I've just been in need of ranting for a bit, and this place is really the only place I feel comfortable doing so.
Today, I had a phone call while a guest was visiting. My dad took the call and I accidently misheard him and thought the phone call was for the guest, as his mother just pulled up and I assumed that was just her calling to say that she arrived. I ignored it and continued to talk and play video games with my guest. A few minutes later, Dad came back and yelled as loudly as he possibly could right next to me that the phone call was for me.
I'm not sure if I've ever said this, but I HATE being yelled at, or even anyone yelling in my general vicinity. I cry if I'm yelled at and I take things to heart very easily, and my dad knows this, but of course, he doesn't care because his favorite sports team lost, and that automatically gives him the right to take it out on everyone else. When I get frustrated, I take it out on myself instead. I mean, I know that's not very healthy either, but at least I'm not hurting other people's feelings. And hey, at least I'm not throwing chairs and desks like I did in elementary school, or getting drunk and high 24/7 like some people I know in real life. I could always be worse, right?
So after I cry for a while, I go back upstairs and ask my dad, as politely as I possibly can, to be a little more gentle next time and not scream at me at the top of his lungs. You know what he says to me? "Well, you should have listened better. And you're a rude hostess to your guest." Jesus, great job making me feel like you care.
To elaborate a little, my dad is almost never not grumpy. Whenever dad is around, I'm always scared of saying or doing something that will make him angry at me. He doesn't beat me to a pulp or anything like that, but with how scary he sounds when he yells, he might as well be punching me in the face. I have a nagging feeling that he's just pissed because he doesn't have a normal kid, instead being stuck with my sister, who is Bipolar, and me, who has Autism and anxiety issues. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't just walked out and left by now.
I, rather naturally, didn't feel much better after this and I wanted someone to talk to to help me feel better. So I decided to talk to my mom for a bit. That was a mistake I'll never make again. She basically said to me "Put up with it. Your dad is like this and he'll never change, no matter what anyone ever tries to do." So basically, my mom has absolutely no sympathy for me. Would it kill you to say something nice to me when I'm upset for once? Sometimes, I'm surprised my parents didn't hand me off to another relative to deal with or something.
The only person I can talk to that gives me any form of sympathy is my sister. She moved out of the house years ago, which she even admits was one of the best things she could've ever done. She and my mom fought all the time when she lived here. I honestly wish I could move out and stay with my sister, since her and her fiancee are much nicer to me, but they're very tight on money and I don't think their landlord would allow me to stay there anyway.
So basically, my only option is to put up with my parents until my 5-6 years of college are done and I can get a job and move in with a room mate or something. I wouldn't be surprised if I get into a huge fight with my mom or dad at some point in the future and I just get up and leave. They'd probably be happier that way anyway. I admit, I'm the farthest from perfect that a human being can possibly get. I cry easily, I have no self confidence, I'm lazy, I have no talents, I'm downright stupid most of the time and I'm just not a very good person at all.
Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll get so upset over something that I'll try to hurt or even kill myself. I thankfully haven't reached a low like this since middle school, but even then, everything seems ten times worse than it actually is when it's that time of the month. I don't have many friends, so outside of you guys, I don't have very many people to reach out to if things get really bad.
Sorry if I'm sounding like a whiny 14 year-old. I don't get very many chances to vent out my frustrations. Isn't it ironic that I feel more comfortable talking about my problems with a bunch of strangers on the internet rather than my own parents? You guys are really awesome. This is the first forum I've ever been to where I feel like I truly belong, and that you guys actually care about each other instead of being at each other's throats all the time. You don't have to comment on this if you don't want to, I'm just happy to have someone listen.
Maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep. Who knows, now that I've got this blog, I might make some slightly less depressing entries in the future.
Today, I had a phone call while a guest was visiting. My dad took the call and I accidently misheard him and thought the phone call was for the guest, as his mother just pulled up and I assumed that was just her calling to say that she arrived. I ignored it and continued to talk and play video games with my guest. A few minutes later, Dad came back and yelled as loudly as he possibly could right next to me that the phone call was for me.
I'm not sure if I've ever said this, but I HATE being yelled at, or even anyone yelling in my general vicinity. I cry if I'm yelled at and I take things to heart very easily, and my dad knows this, but of course, he doesn't care because his favorite sports team lost, and that automatically gives him the right to take it out on everyone else. When I get frustrated, I take it out on myself instead. I mean, I know that's not very healthy either, but at least I'm not hurting other people's feelings. And hey, at least I'm not throwing chairs and desks like I did in elementary school, or getting drunk and high 24/7 like some people I know in real life. I could always be worse, right?
So after I cry for a while, I go back upstairs and ask my dad, as politely as I possibly can, to be a little more gentle next time and not scream at me at the top of his lungs. You know what he says to me? "Well, you should have listened better. And you're a rude hostess to your guest." Jesus, great job making me feel like you care.
To elaborate a little, my dad is almost never not grumpy. Whenever dad is around, I'm always scared of saying or doing something that will make him angry at me. He doesn't beat me to a pulp or anything like that, but with how scary he sounds when he yells, he might as well be punching me in the face. I have a nagging feeling that he's just pissed because he doesn't have a normal kid, instead being stuck with my sister, who is Bipolar, and me, who has Autism and anxiety issues. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't just walked out and left by now.
I, rather naturally, didn't feel much better after this and I wanted someone to talk to to help me feel better. So I decided to talk to my mom for a bit. That was a mistake I'll never make again. She basically said to me "Put up with it. Your dad is like this and he'll never change, no matter what anyone ever tries to do." So basically, my mom has absolutely no sympathy for me. Would it kill you to say something nice to me when I'm upset for once? Sometimes, I'm surprised my parents didn't hand me off to another relative to deal with or something.
The only person I can talk to that gives me any form of sympathy is my sister. She moved out of the house years ago, which she even admits was one of the best things she could've ever done. She and my mom fought all the time when she lived here. I honestly wish I could move out and stay with my sister, since her and her fiancee are much nicer to me, but they're very tight on money and I don't think their landlord would allow me to stay there anyway.
So basically, my only option is to put up with my parents until my 5-6 years of college are done and I can get a job and move in with a room mate or something. I wouldn't be surprised if I get into a huge fight with my mom or dad at some point in the future and I just get up and leave. They'd probably be happier that way anyway. I admit, I'm the farthest from perfect that a human being can possibly get. I cry easily, I have no self confidence, I'm lazy, I have no talents, I'm downright stupid most of the time and I'm just not a very good person at all.
Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll get so upset over something that I'll try to hurt or even kill myself. I thankfully haven't reached a low like this since middle school, but even then, everything seems ten times worse than it actually is when it's that time of the month. I don't have many friends, so outside of you guys, I don't have very many people to reach out to if things get really bad.
Sorry if I'm sounding like a whiny 14 year-old. I don't get very many chances to vent out my frustrations. Isn't it ironic that I feel more comfortable talking about my problems with a bunch of strangers on the internet rather than my own parents? You guys are really awesome. This is the first forum I've ever been to where I feel like I truly belong, and that you guys actually care about each other instead of being at each other's throats all the time. You don't have to comment on this if you don't want to, I'm just happy to have someone listen.
Maybe now that I've gotten all of this out of my system, I can finally get some sleep. Who knows, now that I've got this blog, I might make some slightly less depressing entries in the future.