To think that it was just a few months ago that I was being hugged by my relatives as they celebrated my journey into university. And then a few months after that, I actually started that journey. It is one that I surely knew I had the wrong expectations for, but as to how they'd be wrong would remain a mystery to me. Much like high school, I feel a mixture of emotions, but the difference is how these emotions came to be mixed and how strong they are. That, and I've become my own person, with my own schedule, my own ambitions, and my own way. Still need my own income and my own house...my own car too...probably don't need to be completely bounded by the demands of school...okay, so I'm half-independent right now. But the point is that this is the time where my character is put to the test and where I can see my maturity evolve. It certainly has gone through some changes, that much I'm sure of.
I would talk about Frosh first, but there's so little to say about it. I mean I did talk to some people but then contact went kaput (mostly my fault but they didn't bother much either so...). The events were pretty forgettable too. So instead I guess I'll talk about roommates. Our residence basically has this living room/kitchen area and we each have our own rooms. I live with three other guys. One's a Chicago Jew who speaks with a serious monotone and laughs at everything, another is a Cali-Windsor Asian who has a half-dudebro, half-decent guy attitude that tends to throw me off at time and the last one is a Kenyan who I'm pretty sure doesn't want much to do with us for one reason or another (though I wouldn't blame him). There's the standard ups and downs of living in close quarters with these guys. Most of my gripes come from how I'm reduced to being the maid around the house. I'm the one who mostly cleans the dishes or takes out the garbage and it really makes me empathize that much more with my mom. Though it's not like back home I didn't take out the garbage or clean things. But you know what I mean.
Being around them, it becoming tricky figuring out when I'm out of line and when they're out of line. I'm not the most normal of human beings, I'll admit that. At times though, they had their share of dick moves and general obnoxiousness. They were thankful to introduce me to some other friends and I expanded my social situations by meeting a plethora of other folks. I didn't have the best of luck at the start. I got so annoyed one time that I walked away from the group of friends to my residence because of one insensitive bitch and the general feeling of not being included. When I confronted her, I realized that I was more in the wrong and felt like shit. It didn't help that I wasn't getting too much support from the others but I don't blame them since I was acting rudely. The smoke eventually cleared up and I just accepted my disdain for her quietly. Things changed when in one party, an incident occurred that made her a lot more intolerable and my point was proven. At this point, it has all settled over and I'm glad to still have the group of friends with my roommates, and I'm confident to call my roommates friends.
Outside of them, there's only two other places where I have met people. Classes and clubs. The former I managed to befriend a Chinese gal who seems to know her shit in math (although she is pretty damn lazy when it comes to completing assignments), a Azerbaijani fellow in Comp Sci who's a really chill dude and a female Torontonian in film studies with very interesting fashion choices. I only hanged out with two of them, and with one of them it was only with an assignment. The latter was not much of any help considering my time schedule was not working in my favor and everyone had already someone with them. It's not that I can't break the ice, it's just that I need to time those moments right. The times I went to the clubs were so rare though so it wouldn't have made much of a difference if I did try something I had to quit fencing and swimming on the count of my knee. Not much was lost with fencing, the people there are too closed off from each other. Swimming on the other hand I do have to wonder whatever became of this one lady that I would often have small talk with. Might have not been much, but she was a nice person.
I guess that was the largest fault about university, how poorly I handled time. Either I was putting too much on my plate, not enough, or just didn't manage to follow through with my schedule. There were conflicts that I had to accept because academics supercede clubs/personal business, and there were moments when I could have done something that could have played into my personal tastes but didn't take the chance on the count of feeling really down in the dumps. A good chunk of the time was spent completing my work and I had a good amount of it. I'd be drained afterwards and wouldn't want to bother because I'd accentuate the negative.
Classes were more weird than they were daunting. Certainly I am shocked to get marks that aren't in the A-B range that I used to ride on, but it's nothing too unexpected. Actually, to be fair to myself, some classes were actually relatively decent and manageable. They weren't a walk in the park for sure but I felt a little more interested in what I was doing. Programming especially had this because I would spend a lot of my time typing away at code after I learned something in class to understand it. It's really fun in a nerdy kind of way. I do wish that math was better taught though, university just seems to reinforce my negative feelings for it. Though I can't be placing the blame too much on them, there are certainly a few things that I'm fucking up on. I think I blame most of my negative marks on my poor management of time and the situations and possibly my rocky social environment. Though it's not fault of others that it became rocky more than it is myself. Or maybe it is them. I dunno.
There is an upside though, I have gone out more. I have seen the city of Toronto and I do love it. It's wonderful to look at it when it is night-time, especially that beautiful CN Tower with its colorful lights and super-expensive elevator ride to the top of it. I've gone to its bars, seen its surburban areas, its ghetto-like areas. I've seen its shining lights, its splendor and its sin. I've experienced good times, even though there's small and usually with my roommates friends. I have slowly integrated myself into the world and realized that while progress is slow and things have been unstable that there is a chance for it to get better. And most of all, I have finally felt the first step of intimacy, even if it was an error that could become grievous if it were advertised properly. All I need is to get my artistic and Hispanic environments in check and I'll be on my way to self-fulfillment.
Overall, this first term has been wild. I feel like making a short film about what's happened so far (which is what the title is meant to be) due to all the emotional madness that I've gone through but there's a few things holding me back from that. Not only would the time be tricky, but making a film by yourself is a lot harder, and not just on the technical side. Not that I would have to make the film by myself but it might be more convenient. And I guess maybe my greatest gripe would be that I'd be falling into the "independent/low-budget production of your own life in artsy-fartsy ways" cliche, but I guess a lot start that way. Or in a similar way. I guess I've been inspired by the films I've seen in class and I'd like to take my shot at it. I always think to myself that I have a great deal of props and ideas to have a film be made but that I don't have motivation or the crew to make it happen. Maybe in the next seven terms I'll get that crew or at least find outlets to express myself outside of what I do here. Though I'll be happy to share whenever I feel it necessary.
