I decided that maybe I should come back for a moment to clarify why I have left youchew for the time being along with closing many of my other online accounts. I've pretty much been a mess for a long while now, more so than most realize. This past year and a half in particular has been very, very rough on me. I may look fine on here and on other websites and hell even at school but its all pretty much an act. On the inside I am for the most part a very sad and terrible person. Everything that could go wrong has ended up going wrong for me. I feel lonely and left out both irl and online, my parents are constantly fighting, I'm literally grounded from pretty much everything because I'm failing classes, I have nothing I really I see myself living for. I hate myself so much too, I can't even look myself in the mirror. Occasionally when left alone I find myself yelling and degrading myself. It's pretty obvious but I suffer from some really bad and often extreme depression. I think about killing myself daily. Somedays when it's very serious I hurt myself. Other days I write these rambling tangents about how much I hate myself and my life and how I want to die. I feel like all I am now is an angry, bitter, and jealous person. I can never feel happy for a long period of time.
I think about my future and the present a lot. The more I think about it the more hopeless I find it all. I feel like I can't make friends anymore and that I have no chance at all to be in any romantic/intimate relationship. The few friends I have online I'm practically chasing away by burdening them with my problems. I have little chance of getting into a good college because I have fucked up high school, and even if I managed to get into college what would I do then? I'd have to pay for that all out of pocket and then if I graduate I spend the rest of my life in an office alone. I'll die alone and I'll die from my own hand I know that for a fact. I turn 18 this year I should be having fun and thinking about the positive future ahead of me but I can't it's none existent to me.
On top of depression I suffer from anxiety, OCD, and ADHD. The OCD and anxiety practically go hand in hand. I feel like if I don't do something as mundane as setting a water bottle down a certain way or walk in a certain path that bad things will happen to me. Panic attacks and break downs happen somewhat frequently for me
I left youchew because I started bringing these feelings and their effects to the forums through my posts and constant need to instigate shit. I never wanted people to see that side of me here. I also know that probably no one here actually cares though, I hardly talk to anyone here, even on Skype.
I think about my future and the present a lot. The more I think about it the more hopeless I find it all. I feel like I can't make friends anymore and that I have no chance at all to be in any romantic/intimate relationship. The few friends I have online I'm practically chasing away by burdening them with my problems. I have little chance of getting into a good college because I have fucked up high school, and even if I managed to get into college what would I do then? I'd have to pay for that all out of pocket and then if I graduate I spend the rest of my life in an office alone. I'll die alone and I'll die from my own hand I know that for a fact. I turn 18 this year I should be having fun and thinking about the positive future ahead of me but I can't it's none existent to me.
On top of depression I suffer from anxiety, OCD, and ADHD. The OCD and anxiety practically go hand in hand. I feel like if I don't do something as mundane as setting a water bottle down a certain way or walk in a certain path that bad things will happen to me. Panic attacks and break downs happen somewhat frequently for me
I left youchew because I started bringing these feelings and their effects to the forums through my posts and constant need to instigate shit. I never wanted people to see that side of me here. I also know that probably no one here actually cares though, I hardly talk to anyone here, even on Skype.