Love is a wonderful thing, except if you ask a songwriter who needs a grievance to write a song about. Then, it is The Worst Thing In The World. In many songs, women are demons sent straight down the Valhalla Expressway and getting off at Exit 69, pulling into the small town of A Guy's Heart and stopping for a bite to eat before heading back down the expressway, which is in a looping configuration so the same thing happens all over again with some other dude.
Presumably, these songs are used to drive into people's heads the fact that women can, indeed, be stone-cold bitches. Here are five examples of this theme dating back a few decades.
1. Ruby, "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" (Kenny Rogers and the First Edition)
Right from the start of this song, we get a bad feeling about this Ruby gal. The male narrator (we will refer to him as Kenny) appears to know exactly what her putting on some makeup and doing her hair means. It's date night on the town! Oh...right. Date night without Kenny. That kinda sucks.
But then the next verse...this is where shit really starts getting real. You see, Kenny here is a veteran of a "crazy Asian war" (specific, right?) that has left him somewhat fucked up. And here's his gal Ruby, blatantly going out to mingle with other fellows, while Kenny here has his PTSD to keep him company. C'mon, Ruby. Do you think it's a good idea to cheat on a vet? Kenny just needs some company.
Oh, wait a moment. He's paralyzed too. And traumatized from the Crazy Asian War. And dying, apparently. And being cheated on. Ruby you cold-hearted bitch. Kenny even says he realizes your needs, but that doesn't mean that 1) he is giving you permission to fuck around with someone else, and 2) that you should take advantage of that.
So what does Ruby do? She ignores the pleas of her PTSD-stricken, paralyzed, traumatized, being-cheated-on partner and leaves, literally slamming the door in Kenny's face. This is the 101st time this has happened to Kenny and he seems to have had enough.
This song ends on the verge of poetic justice, as Kenny sure sounds like he is about to make good on that proposition to "get (his) gun and put (Ruby) in the ground". Again, letting the paralyzed veteran operate a gun near someone who he really really hates: NOT a good idea.
Sadly, we don't find out what becomes of Ruby. However, Kenny eventually overcame his paralysis (is that possible? -ed.) and went on to found a successful chain of chicken restaurants, possibly including Ruby as part of the menu. Care for a breast or a thigh, anyone?
2. The Woman, "Requiem" (The Chocolate Watch Band)
We start this song in the middle of an odd situation. Somehow. the guy heretofore known as CWB Narrator is at the mercy of The Woman. In a rather domme-like fashion, she tells him to fall prostrate and beg for her forgiveness, and maybe she will accept it. Being in Please Don't Leave Me Mode, CWB Narrator immediately obeys. The Woman, however, smiles and walks away. You can practically hear the smirk on her face.
In the midst of a couple of "oh no"s and "baby please don't go"s, The Woman prepares to make her exit for good. But she has the nerve to belittle CWB one last time - calling him "young man" - and that's enough to set him off. It's not clear whether it's an act of desperation/passion or rage, but CWB grabs The Woman and pulls her to the ground, where she hits her head. Immediately realizing his mistake, he starts saying "oh no" a few times again.
The next verse is in Latin and has not yet been translated, but presumably it deals with CWB Narrator calling an ambulance, The Woman recovering, and then The Woman taking CWB to court and CWB getting royally fucked by the justice system. This is purely speculation.
However, the song ends with a revelation of just how much of a cold-hearted twatwaffle The Woman is. CWB has been locked up in some sort of insane asylum "that's very dim, although the walls are wide". His only friend is the man who brings him stew - and even he is just "alright too". As if being tormented by The Woman and The Woman's Lawyer and The Justice System In General wasn't enough, to add insult to injury, he has nightmares about her and wakes up screaming "oh no" and "don't go". Hopefully it does not annoy the man in blue who brings him stew too much.
3. The Girl, "Hell Will Take Care Of Her" (The Brass Buttons)
What a cheerful tune! Don't put on your sandals and find the nearest frolic-prone dandelion field just yet, though. Beneath the cheery exterior lies a description of someone who appears to be straight out of the Bitch Club.
Like about fifty million other girls in songs of this genre, this one likes to play with the hearts of her lovers. But The Girl goes farther than that. She's so cold-hearted, apparently, that she controls her emotions at will to get what she wants out of whoever's pining for her. "Though her eyes are blue, her heart's as black as night," croons Mr. Lead Singer. Her heart is also "cold as wine", which she should probably see a doctor about.
It seems that The Girl prefers emotional outbursts to verbal attacks in the category of How To Hurt A Guy That Cares For You. Fortunately, Mr. Lead Singer warns you, the listener, about it in advance, advising you to "leave her now and hurt her with your exit plan". It's like a Pokemon battle, but with a girl. I think. Like using Self-Destruct or...something like that. Yes.
Anyway, she's so set in her ways that nothing except hell can bring her down. That's assuming that she can die, which we're not even 100% sure about, and assuming that she's religious, which is pretty unlikely. Maybe a more appropriate title would be "A Mashy Spike Plate Will Take Care Of Her".
4. The Princess, "Princess Of The Gingerland" (The Glitterhouse)
Finally, a song that's not about cheating or lying or serving someone's body parts at a chicken restaurant. This one is in some sort of...gingerland, whatever that entails. There are sparrows that can talk, and also fairies. Make of that what you will.
You know what I envision whenever I listen to this song, which (mercifully) is not very often? "The Magic Lollipop Adventure". It's this horrible cartoon that involves a lollipop, a dragon, some royalty, and GUITARS. Here, I'll link it right here so you know what I mean. This is a pretty accurate representation of the royalty in The Gingerland.
Doesn't that fit right in? If that old fucker is so worried about his lollipop, can't you see him commanding his entire armies to go after ONE person who has stolen a musical instrument? It would not surprise me if the Magic Lollipop Song also featured in "The Magic Lollipop Adventure" was actually performed by The Glitterhouse, due to similar themes between the two.
Anyway, getting to the crux of the matter: why is the Princess such a bitch? For one thing, she makes absolutely no effort to solve the problem on her own. The first thing she does after her precious glockenspiel is stolen is to complain to King Dad. Hey, why bother trying to find it yourself when you could send out an army of 1,800 people to find the person who stole it?
And about that: she's going off the word of a sparrow, of all animals. "I'm sure it was the harlequin," cries the sparrow in a valiant attempt to be helpful. No questions asked by the royalty, the sparrow is the bird to trust here. If he's so smart, why doesn't he have a position in office?? I'll bet you didn't think of that, Lollipop King! My point is, though, that if the Princess hadn't complained about one possession of hers being taken, then an entire war wouldn't have had to be fought over it.
Lives were surrendered. Blood was spilt. Time was wasted. And the dumb ass Princess was the cause of it all.
5. Cecilia, "Cecilia" (Simon & Garfunkel)
This one gets a bit more surreal than the others. Not quite Magic Lollipop levels of bizarreness, but still enough to consider the sanity of the songwriter. This entire song is about one particular event involving Cecilia and the narrator. The narrator is enjoying a bit of hanky-panky with Cecilia in his bedroom, when (presumably after being "finished") he gets up to watch his face. Oh no! Narrator has been replaced in the sack by someone else.
Moving beyond the inherent evil of the act of cheating, consider exactly how well-planned this cheating is. Yes, Cecilia has somehow come up with another guy - out of thin air - within the timeframe of Mr. Narrator getting up, washing his face, then returning. That's maybe a minute overall. Where is Cecilia getting this other man from??
Worse yet, the narrator explicitly states that it's his bedroom. So not only is he being cheated on in his own room, some guy has apparently been hiding out for the extremely convenient interruption of him going to wash his face. My best guess is that Other Guy was hiding in the narrator's closet, or perhaps under his bed. Cecilia should know better than to fuck some guy who goes around hiding in those sorts of places. He probably smells like mothballs and dust anyway.
The good news is that Cecilia loves the narrator again! Yay! He then falls on the floor laughing, presumably out of happiness that there will be no more strange men popping out of his closet and doing the No-Pants Dance with his woman. I'd probably do the same, but installing a few security cameras around the bedroom isn't a terrible idea either.
Presumably, these songs are used to drive into people's heads the fact that women can, indeed, be stone-cold bitches. Here are five examples of this theme dating back a few decades.
1. Ruby, "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" (Kenny Rogers and the First Edition)
Right from the start of this song, we get a bad feeling about this Ruby gal. The male narrator (we will refer to him as Kenny) appears to know exactly what her putting on some makeup and doing her hair means. It's date night on the town! Oh...right. Date night without Kenny. That kinda sucks.
But then the next verse...this is where shit really starts getting real. You see, Kenny here is a veteran of a "crazy Asian war" (specific, right?) that has left him somewhat fucked up. And here's his gal Ruby, blatantly going out to mingle with other fellows, while Kenny here has his PTSD to keep him company. C'mon, Ruby. Do you think it's a good idea to cheat on a vet? Kenny just needs some company.
Oh, wait a moment. He's paralyzed too. And traumatized from the Crazy Asian War. And dying, apparently. And being cheated on. Ruby you cold-hearted bitch. Kenny even says he realizes your needs, but that doesn't mean that 1) he is giving you permission to fuck around with someone else, and 2) that you should take advantage of that.
So what does Ruby do? She ignores the pleas of her PTSD-stricken, paralyzed, traumatized, being-cheated-on partner and leaves, literally slamming the door in Kenny's face. This is the 101st time this has happened to Kenny and he seems to have had enough.
This song ends on the verge of poetic justice, as Kenny sure sounds like he is about to make good on that proposition to "get (his) gun and put (Ruby) in the ground". Again, letting the paralyzed veteran operate a gun near someone who he really really hates: NOT a good idea.
Sadly, we don't find out what becomes of Ruby. However, Kenny eventually overcame his paralysis (is that possible? -ed.) and went on to found a successful chain of chicken restaurants, possibly including Ruby as part of the menu. Care for a breast or a thigh, anyone?
2. The Woman, "Requiem" (The Chocolate Watch Band)
We start this song in the middle of an odd situation. Somehow. the guy heretofore known as CWB Narrator is at the mercy of The Woman. In a rather domme-like fashion, she tells him to fall prostrate and beg for her forgiveness, and maybe she will accept it. Being in Please Don't Leave Me Mode, CWB Narrator immediately obeys. The Woman, however, smiles and walks away. You can practically hear the smirk on her face.
In the midst of a couple of "oh no"s and "baby please don't go"s, The Woman prepares to make her exit for good. But she has the nerve to belittle CWB one last time - calling him "young man" - and that's enough to set him off. It's not clear whether it's an act of desperation/passion or rage, but CWB grabs The Woman and pulls her to the ground, where she hits her head. Immediately realizing his mistake, he starts saying "oh no" a few times again.
The next verse is in Latin and has not yet been translated, but presumably it deals with CWB Narrator calling an ambulance, The Woman recovering, and then The Woman taking CWB to court and CWB getting royally fucked by the justice system. This is purely speculation.
However, the song ends with a revelation of just how much of a cold-hearted twatwaffle The Woman is. CWB has been locked up in some sort of insane asylum "that's very dim, although the walls are wide". His only friend is the man who brings him stew - and even he is just "alright too". As if being tormented by The Woman and The Woman's Lawyer and The Justice System In General wasn't enough, to add insult to injury, he has nightmares about her and wakes up screaming "oh no" and "don't go". Hopefully it does not annoy the man in blue who brings him stew too much.
3. The Girl, "Hell Will Take Care Of Her" (The Brass Buttons)
What a cheerful tune! Don't put on your sandals and find the nearest frolic-prone dandelion field just yet, though. Beneath the cheery exterior lies a description of someone who appears to be straight out of the Bitch Club.
Like about fifty million other girls in songs of this genre, this one likes to play with the hearts of her lovers. But The Girl goes farther than that. She's so cold-hearted, apparently, that she controls her emotions at will to get what she wants out of whoever's pining for her. "Though her eyes are blue, her heart's as black as night," croons Mr. Lead Singer. Her heart is also "cold as wine", which she should probably see a doctor about.
It seems that The Girl prefers emotional outbursts to verbal attacks in the category of How To Hurt A Guy That Cares For You. Fortunately, Mr. Lead Singer warns you, the listener, about it in advance, advising you to "leave her now and hurt her with your exit plan". It's like a Pokemon battle, but with a girl. I think. Like using Self-Destruct or...something like that. Yes.
Anyway, she's so set in her ways that nothing except hell can bring her down. That's assuming that she can die, which we're not even 100% sure about, and assuming that she's religious, which is pretty unlikely. Maybe a more appropriate title would be "A Mashy Spike Plate Will Take Care Of Her".
4. The Princess, "Princess Of The Gingerland" (The Glitterhouse)
Finally, a song that's not about cheating or lying or serving someone's body parts at a chicken restaurant. This one is in some sort of...gingerland, whatever that entails. There are sparrows that can talk, and also fairies. Make of that what you will.
You know what I envision whenever I listen to this song, which (mercifully) is not very often? "The Magic Lollipop Adventure". It's this horrible cartoon that involves a lollipop, a dragon, some royalty, and GUITARS. Here, I'll link it right here so you know what I mean. This is a pretty accurate representation of the royalty in The Gingerland.
Doesn't that fit right in? If that old fucker is so worried about his lollipop, can't you see him commanding his entire armies to go after ONE person who has stolen a musical instrument? It would not surprise me if the Magic Lollipop Song also featured in "The Magic Lollipop Adventure" was actually performed by The Glitterhouse, due to similar themes between the two.
Anyway, getting to the crux of the matter: why is the Princess such a bitch? For one thing, she makes absolutely no effort to solve the problem on her own. The first thing she does after her precious glockenspiel is stolen is to complain to King Dad. Hey, why bother trying to find it yourself when you could send out an army of 1,800 people to find the person who stole it?
And about that: she's going off the word of a sparrow, of all animals. "I'm sure it was the harlequin," cries the sparrow in a valiant attempt to be helpful. No questions asked by the royalty, the sparrow is the bird to trust here. If he's so smart, why doesn't he have a position in office?? I'll bet you didn't think of that, Lollipop King! My point is, though, that if the Princess hadn't complained about one possession of hers being taken, then an entire war wouldn't have had to be fought over it.
Lives were surrendered. Blood was spilt. Time was wasted. And the dumb ass Princess was the cause of it all.
5. Cecilia, "Cecilia" (Simon & Garfunkel)
This one gets a bit more surreal than the others. Not quite Magic Lollipop levels of bizarreness, but still enough to consider the sanity of the songwriter. This entire song is about one particular event involving Cecilia and the narrator. The narrator is enjoying a bit of hanky-panky with Cecilia in his bedroom, when (presumably after being "finished") he gets up to watch his face. Oh no! Narrator has been replaced in the sack by someone else.
Moving beyond the inherent evil of the act of cheating, consider exactly how well-planned this cheating is. Yes, Cecilia has somehow come up with another guy - out of thin air - within the timeframe of Mr. Narrator getting up, washing his face, then returning. That's maybe a minute overall. Where is Cecilia getting this other man from??
Worse yet, the narrator explicitly states that it's his bedroom. So not only is he being cheated on in his own room, some guy has apparently been hiding out for the extremely convenient interruption of him going to wash his face. My best guess is that Other Guy was hiding in the narrator's closet, or perhaps under his bed. Cecilia should know better than to fuck some guy who goes around hiding in those sorts of places. He probably smells like mothballs and dust anyway.
The good news is that Cecilia loves the narrator again! Yay! He then falls on the floor laughing, presumably out of happiness that there will be no more strange men popping out of his closet and doing the No-Pants Dance with his woman. I'd probably do the same, but installing a few security cameras around the bedroom isn't a terrible idea either.