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Stegblog - Something Depressing!

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You most likely simply know me as Steg. I am that "guy" who used to make videos of Dr. Egg saying the penis. You may or may not know me beyond these videos. You are likely unaware that I am an emotional guy. I say guy, but some of you know me as a girl. And then there are those of you who know me as that guy who pretends to be a girl. But this post isn't about me being trans, it is about my ongoing battle with depression. I do not have a proper reason for writing this post. It is likely because I just want to vent my emotions a little bit. So sit back and enjoy a little story about the ups and mostly downs of my life. I have been thinking about this stuff a lot lately, and unfortunately have no one to talk to about it, so you people get to read it instead. Lucky you! I guess it's worth warning you that it may be pretty depressing.

I have been battling with mental health problems since around the age of 10, although they were not nearly as bad as they were back then as they are now. My first 4 years of primary school were simply. I just went to school and talked to my friends like everyone else did. But in my 5th year something happened and to this day I do not know what, but whatever it was it made everyone turn on me and started 3 years of constant bullying which I was barely able to deal with. The details of this are too much for me to want to talk about, but it was the beginning of what my life is today. Once I left primary school, things happened in my life which just made me scared to go outside through fear of being beaten up. The only time I left my house was to go to high school, and thankfully no one at the high school knew about my life and I didn't have any problems. High school was okay. I wasn't bullied, but I was a bit of a troublemaker which wasn't very nice, but I can at least say some of the moments in which I caused trouble were justified. But nothing is really worth mentioning. The things that happened to me in primary school and what was going on in my family life stuck with me through my 5 years of high school and some of it still sticks with me today, and it had a significant effect on how I performed in class, but nothing bad really happened.

But let's just fast forward to 2008, when I left high school. I tried to get into art college, as art was the only thing I was good at. I was good at other things, but I threw those away in high school because I was an idiot. Rugby and the violin are two things that spring to mind. But to escape from the problems I was having, I just made up little characters and drew comics with them. But no college would accept me. I am not sure why, my grades were good and I had grown out of my troublemaker phase. I have a feeling that my guidance teacher from high school is to blame as she always made things worse for me by giving me bad referals, but I can't be so sure. Anyway, the more I got rejected from college, the more I stopped caring. I tried to find jobs too, but nowhere wanted me. And I just fell into a deep depression, with some details I would rather not mention. I ended up just turning into the type of person who sits playing games all day, but I do not regret that. I made a very good friend in mid-2009, and we talked every single day and played games, and whenever I was feeling down he would always cheer me up, and I would also try to do the same for him. I still had no luck getting a job or into college, but I didn't stop trying. About a year later, I met someone and we started dating, so that was nice. But it wasn't enough to make me happy, as I just kept feeling worse with every single job/college that rejected me. And then eventually this one person who actually loved me started to reject me too, so that made me feel even worse.

So I bought a cat. A weird reaction to your life falling apart, but it worked. I called her Yuki, and I played with her every day and it always brightened me up. And then at last, I am accepted into college! I didn't get into the course I wanted, or even my second choice, but I didn't care, I just wanted to do something with my life. I stuck with college from 2011 to 2014, making friends and genuinely enjoying life for the first time. I started to go out more, traveling to England every few months to visit my friends and going to conventions around the UK. But when I left college, my life started to go downhill again. Here I was with a diploma in Travel and Tourism, and having hopes that maybe I could get a job traveling around as that was something I enjoyed doing, but everywhere rejected me still. Eventually, at the end of last year, I got a job working at a Royal Mail sorting office. Not something I thought I'd be doing after 4 years of studying travel, tourism and aviation, but oh well, a job is a job and I needed money. And even though all I had to do whilst working here was sort mail by postcodes and classes, it was pretty fun. I was working night-shifts so it was a nice way to spend the night, otherwise I'd have been spending it being unable to sleep. I wasn't there to make friends, so I just kept to myself most of the time, but on my second day of work I was paired up with a girl who I could tell liked me, and I liked her too. We got to know each other and became friends. Things happened to her though, and she had random panic attacks, and being the kind sole I am I stayed with her for hours and hours each day to make sure she was alright. Eventually we started dating, and I thought it was the turning point in my life. I had a job, I had a girlfriend, and I had friends.

And then came the new year. "Happy New Year!", people would say. There was nothing happy about it. The job I had was only temporary, however many people were asked to stay on after the new year. I wasn't one of those people. I was back to having no job. But hey, I still had everything else! But not for long. For some reason my best friend whom I had known since 2009 and who I mentioned had helped me through my depression decided he didn't like me anymore, and it broke my heart. It has been 3 months, and I have been trying to get in touch with him, but I have been ignored every single time and it hurts so much. He was the only reason I went on my computer, and the only person who I trusted enough to talk to about my problems. Whenever I try to play a game now, I am just reminded that I've lost the only person in the world I enjoyed playing these games with. Call me petty for caring so much about someone I played games with, but he was an important part of my life. I tried to accept it and just keep living my life, but it all got to me. I broke things off with the girl I was seeing because I wanted to make myself better and I cared too much about her to want her to deal with me, and thankfully she was understanding of that, however we don't talk anymore (although that is mainly to do with the fact I don't like talking to people, rather than avoiding each other). I started to see a therapist and after many sessions I was diagnosed with a mild form of schizophrenia. That, combined with the fact that throughout my life people - including my closest ever friend - seem to just turn on me for no reason, has resulted in me often going to great lengths just to avoid talking to anyone. I guess part of me thinks that I don't deserve friendship. It's funny how much your life can change in the space of a week. It doesn't help that there is so much hostility in this world everywhere I go. I go outside to the shops and I will see people being jerks. I'll go into town and I will see people ignoring someone in need. The news is filled with stories about murders and wars. I will log into Facebook and my news feed will be filled with people arguing over the stupidest of things. I do not want to point fingers, but even when I am here, a place which has always been here for me as a refuge from all the bad things in the world, I see people acting hostile towards other people for the stupidest of reasons, and that really gets to me. It baffles me as to why people in this world respond to negativity with further negativity. I know it's probably hilarious coming from someone as emotionally broken as I am, and probably even more hilarious to those of you who think I am nothing but a petty little troll, but responding to stupidity with aggression isn't the way to solve problems.

But I am sorry, I do not want to turn this into a "grr fuck you guys!!!" post. I honestly don't know my reasoning behind this post. I guess I had to vent my emotions some way, seeing as just 4 months ago I had the best friend I could ever hope for, a job, and a girlfriend. And then just like that, I have nothing, and don't even have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it. This is just a summary, as I guess I'm not really prepared to go into details publicly about any of this stuff. I don't know where my life is going. I am isolating myself from people and am quickly running out of money. The dreams I had just a few years ago are gone, and I now spend each day just sitting in bed watching the TV and occasionally playing video games, but as I mentioned earlier I do not enjoy video games very much anymore. Part of me believes that one day everything will be back to normal, and that I will have my friend back and can begin trusting people again. The more realistic part of me believes that I'd be lucky if I were to make it through another year.

Thank you for putting up with me. I am sorry if there have been times in when I have been a nuisance to any of you. When my emotions get the better of me, I say and do stupid things.

It may sound like it, but this is far from being a "farewell" post. I apologise if none of it makes any sense, as I do not wish to go back and read it. I am also afraid that someone will see this who I do not want to see it, so please don't be surprised if I want to delete it. One of the reasons I never talk about this stuff is because I am afraid that people follow me everywhere I go online and read everything I say so that they can make a big deal out of it and make me feel like shit because that is just how they get their kicks in life. I guess I'm just an easy target. Or maybe I am just paranoid.

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