So.. in my attempt to get back into active mode on YouChew.. I've hit a snag. My grandpa's bladder cancer spread - it's now in his pancreas and kidney now, and he has 2-4 weeks to live. I often thought of it, his death, because so often after his retirement, he would speak of it, wish for it - and now that it's here, he's afraid.
Today, my wife's jii-chan passed away. That's grandpa for you non-japanophiles. He was 98 years old. Him and Miki's Baa-chan had been married 71 years. I never even met this man - but I'm sad at his passing. Her side of the family is just dealing with it as best they can, and I'm over here on the side offering my constant shoulder to my wife, if she needs it.
It's funny how many similarities there are between my wife's family and mine. I could go into them, but I rather would not - that's not the point here. The point is, there's a whole lot of fucked up shit going on in my life right now.
I have to go up north to visit my gpa because I'd like to see and talk with him before the inevitable happens. I can't do that until Monday because our bank fucking sucks, so.. just have to wait. Then we have to figure out how the fuck we're going to afford tickets to Japan for her Jii-chan's memorial service.. and we just had to pay taxes, and we're poor as shit now.
Every day for the past few days, because of what's been going on with my grandpa, I've just been waking up, making phone calls to family, getting stone cold fucking drunk, and passing the fuck out, with very little in the way of thought, as I've been obliterating my thought process with video games and smoking a shitload of cigarettes. I try to get into the mood to do.. well, anything, and I just plunk down in my chair and drink and smoke and mindlessly kill things on video games because I can't deal with this shit.
Jii-chan was a surprise. He was -really- healthy for his age. Then, all of a sudden, poof. I think my wife is dealing with her grandpa a lot better than I'm dealing with mine. But.. what's done is done. He's gone.. soon my own grandpa will be as well. And the thing is, I never thought it was going to hit me this hard.
My grandpa is younger than hers by about a decade and a half, but he's got Alzheimer's, so he forgets things. He hasn't forgotten me yet, thankfully. Her jii-chan had dementia and, by the end, didn't even remember his wife of 71 years. God, what a horrible fate - I can't fathom how her baa-chan must have felt.
By comparison, my own bitching seems rather inane. But I think she remembers like I do how the person you once knew is no longer the same, and you remember them for what they were. I remember being three years old, shaking the wires on the grapevines, and grandpa yelling at me from the porch, telling me, "Hey you little bastard, stop that!" And even then, I knew what that word meant, ran off crying, and he went, came and found me, apologized for it.. I remember later making wine with him, smashing all those grapes into pancakes, him telling me specifically how much of each ingredient had to go into each batch - and I remember hating the smell of the sulfur we had to use.
I remember when he would have me sit on his lap, and we'd read the various science magazines he subscribed to. He LOVED science - he bought me a telescope for my 7th birthday. Not any of that piddly-ass shit, either, he spent a pretty penny on it - just so we could look at stars and planets together. I remember the first time we found Mars in it, he had tears in his eyes.
We used to collect all the various fruit from my grandparents' place - cherries, pears, apples, blueberries, apricots - he had a garden where he grew all sorts of vegetables too. I remember he used to love his popcorn, so he'd grow what seemed like miles of it. He gave me some seeds and some of his fertilizer - I don't remember the name correctly, but it was giberellic acid - something meant to make them where they didn't flower, or pollinate, or something of the sort. That was when I was five. The fact he trusted me that much to let me have that was a big fucking deal to the five year old t00lishness.
I remember asking him before about Neptune, because I liked its color and I wanted to know more about it. I couldn't have been more than 6. I wanted to know what made it so blue. He started to explain that the colors are due to a planet's composition, but I lost track of what he was saying, and he noticed. "It's blue because it's blue. Maybe you can figure it out someday."
...and with my wife losing her jii-chan.. I know she's got stories like this too.. and now everything gets compiled into a haze of adult life, where we have to figure out costs and such.. how the fuck are we going to Japan? How the fuck am I going to be able to afford heading up to visit my grandpa, then have to come back again for the funeral?
Regardless of what happens, it always seems like there is a cost that everyone must bear simply for knowing someone. It's a cost those people bear without hesitation because to not know that person is a waste - there are always moments you will remember. Granted, some people give you a lot better memories than others, but even with the bad memories you get - someone, even someone that gave you bad memories, will give you ones that are worth remembering. Not the kind of thing you forget, or try to forget - the kind of thing you hold tightly, make something of it, and turn it into something that makes you a better person.
I know that my grandpa made me into a better person, even though when he yelled at me for shaking the grapevines, he hurt me. But he made up for it. And continued to make up for it. And I'm a better person for knowing him. And him leaving this world is going to be hard on me.. but just as he cultivated those grapevines, all those fruit trees, his garden.. he left it in a better place than what it was. I can only hope that when the inevitable happens to me, I can say the same.
Today, my wife's jii-chan passed away. That's grandpa for you non-japanophiles. He was 98 years old. Him and Miki's Baa-chan had been married 71 years. I never even met this man - but I'm sad at his passing. Her side of the family is just dealing with it as best they can, and I'm over here on the side offering my constant shoulder to my wife, if she needs it.
It's funny how many similarities there are between my wife's family and mine. I could go into them, but I rather would not - that's not the point here. The point is, there's a whole lot of fucked up shit going on in my life right now.
I have to go up north to visit my gpa because I'd like to see and talk with him before the inevitable happens. I can't do that until Monday because our bank fucking sucks, so.. just have to wait. Then we have to figure out how the fuck we're going to afford tickets to Japan for her Jii-chan's memorial service.. and we just had to pay taxes, and we're poor as shit now.
Every day for the past few days, because of what's been going on with my grandpa, I've just been waking up, making phone calls to family, getting stone cold fucking drunk, and passing the fuck out, with very little in the way of thought, as I've been obliterating my thought process with video games and smoking a shitload of cigarettes. I try to get into the mood to do.. well, anything, and I just plunk down in my chair and drink and smoke and mindlessly kill things on video games because I can't deal with this shit.
Jii-chan was a surprise. He was -really- healthy for his age. Then, all of a sudden, poof. I think my wife is dealing with her grandpa a lot better than I'm dealing with mine. But.. what's done is done. He's gone.. soon my own grandpa will be as well. And the thing is, I never thought it was going to hit me this hard.
My grandpa is younger than hers by about a decade and a half, but he's got Alzheimer's, so he forgets things. He hasn't forgotten me yet, thankfully. Her jii-chan had dementia and, by the end, didn't even remember his wife of 71 years. God, what a horrible fate - I can't fathom how her baa-chan must have felt.
By comparison, my own bitching seems rather inane. But I think she remembers like I do how the person you once knew is no longer the same, and you remember them for what they were. I remember being three years old, shaking the wires on the grapevines, and grandpa yelling at me from the porch, telling me, "Hey you little bastard, stop that!" And even then, I knew what that word meant, ran off crying, and he went, came and found me, apologized for it.. I remember later making wine with him, smashing all those grapes into pancakes, him telling me specifically how much of each ingredient had to go into each batch - and I remember hating the smell of the sulfur we had to use.
I remember when he would have me sit on his lap, and we'd read the various science magazines he subscribed to. He LOVED science - he bought me a telescope for my 7th birthday. Not any of that piddly-ass shit, either, he spent a pretty penny on it - just so we could look at stars and planets together. I remember the first time we found Mars in it, he had tears in his eyes.
We used to collect all the various fruit from my grandparents' place - cherries, pears, apples, blueberries, apricots - he had a garden where he grew all sorts of vegetables too. I remember he used to love his popcorn, so he'd grow what seemed like miles of it. He gave me some seeds and some of his fertilizer - I don't remember the name correctly, but it was giberellic acid - something meant to make them where they didn't flower, or pollinate, or something of the sort. That was when I was five. The fact he trusted me that much to let me have that was a big fucking deal to the five year old t00lishness.
I remember asking him before about Neptune, because I liked its color and I wanted to know more about it. I couldn't have been more than 6. I wanted to know what made it so blue. He started to explain that the colors are due to a planet's composition, but I lost track of what he was saying, and he noticed. "It's blue because it's blue. Maybe you can figure it out someday."
...and with my wife losing her jii-chan.. I know she's got stories like this too.. and now everything gets compiled into a haze of adult life, where we have to figure out costs and such.. how the fuck are we going to Japan? How the fuck am I going to be able to afford heading up to visit my grandpa, then have to come back again for the funeral?
Regardless of what happens, it always seems like there is a cost that everyone must bear simply for knowing someone. It's a cost those people bear without hesitation because to not know that person is a waste - there are always moments you will remember. Granted, some people give you a lot better memories than others, but even with the bad memories you get - someone, even someone that gave you bad memories, will give you ones that are worth remembering. Not the kind of thing you forget, or try to forget - the kind of thing you hold tightly, make something of it, and turn it into something that makes you a better person.
I know that my grandpa made me into a better person, even though when he yelled at me for shaking the grapevines, he hurt me. But he made up for it. And continued to make up for it. And I'm a better person for knowing him. And him leaving this world is going to be hard on me.. but just as he cultivated those grapevines, all those fruit trees, his garden.. he left it in a better place than what it was. I can only hope that when the inevitable happens to me, I can say the same.