Hello. I haven't written an entry in a while, it is struggling to think of something to talk about so just mention what I am feeling right now.
I feel absolutely fed up and have been for quite a while. Really sorry but have to let it out and that the wording is all over the place.
I feel like I can't trust anyone. There are perhaps some fantastic helpful, friendly and kind people around here but due to bad experiences both in real life and on here, I can't trust anyone since it is more than just appearances but also their personality that is much harder to read (some people do have false personalities until you really get to know them for what they are). A previous event here really soured my judgement making harder to even trust staff. It is also a sad feeling that I don't have any friends at all, tried my best to forget about it but it does pop up from time to time. Most of the time I have accepted that I won't be able to have one friend and a silm chance if I do get one. Anything further (e.g. girlfriend, wife, family) is completely out of the question.
I have tried since a few years ago to have a fresh start on a different forum (closed early this year) and didn't get a friend even though I did get close with a few people via PM.
Also much to most of the time I feel like I have nothing to say. It is really annoying and admittedly has been my problem for years, literally years to the point where half the time even to my parents I just say that I have nothing much to say. Most of the topics can be summed up in an altered quote:
"I'd like to start with some simple word associations. Just tell me the first word that pops into your head."
Football [referring to soccer] -> Corruption
TV -> Depressing
Music -> Autotune
Weather -> Miserable
Politics -> Corruption
Movies -> Mixed
Alcohol -> Poisonous
Drugs -> No
Skyfall -> Done
How can I talk about things that I don't like? I can't lie and I know it makes the other person annoyed or worse since most people seems to like those things. I even go as far as saying that I'm sorry for annoying any member on this forum.
I don't have a sense of humour at all. How can I create a sense of humour if nothing makes me laugh? The last time I ever laughed was one post elsewhere two years ago and can't remember before then... I do acknowledge SeductiveBaz's and Ted's posts since I know that they are designed to be funny [it is a compliment] but the other members who are known for their humour? Just can't recognise it.
Thinking about needing some help for a long time but sadly it is beyond the reach. For years tried to go to centres but either the government closed them down before I even had a chance of getting some help or for one didn't really help at all (it was claimed to be one that can but it was in a disused bank, got depressed there and were more obsessed about their own bank accounts than helping people, took a couple of months to realise this [it was every week] and pulled out). Threapy is really expensive and can work out the same price as going to University for a year, no joke. Our family doesn't have that kind of money even when saving up like crazy. Even with the threapy it wouldn't work due to my disablity [even says that the threapy is not suitable for people with learning difficulties on a government website]. I do have a disability that affects mental and a bit physical but wouldn't talk about it online.
Anti-depressants aren't the answer either. My mum takes those every day and her mood is well unstable. Sometimes she is depressed, other times funny as in mixed up, sometimes critical like today when a large dog [half the size of a human] was right next to me couldn't move forward or backwards, was right on my leg [the full leg] and she shouted in public to make me feel bad [I have a strong fear of dogs], other times actually okay. My old brother also takes anti-depressants and again unstable mood meaning that they are not working, he also apparently takes very strong sleeping tablets but I don't know since he and his family are miles away from us.
I wanted to have something to do that isn't playing games but I know that I can't do anything talented. Remember this post? I really want to do something like a small project with a few people. It would be a lovely thing because not only will it be a good thing if handled correctly but also quite happy too. Well as happy as I can get anyway. It is annoying when you can't draw, write, make music or any of those things even when I practiced to the point where I gave up. My best drawing looks like one of those dodgy DeviantArt drawings, failed English at school despite trying my best and music back in school I got the lowest grade possible, a U due to being tone deaf. U is lower than a F. For years I had a dream, an idea of something to be remembered. I don't have any large ambitions, hence even when I was younger didn't have an big dreams just small ones. There are a couple of medium sized ones though.
I just feel useless and boring to be honest.
I feel absolutely fed up and have been for quite a while. Really sorry but have to let it out and that the wording is all over the place.
I feel like I can't trust anyone. There are perhaps some fantastic helpful, friendly and kind people around here but due to bad experiences both in real life and on here, I can't trust anyone since it is more than just appearances but also their personality that is much harder to read (some people do have false personalities until you really get to know them for what they are). A previous event here really soured my judgement making harder to even trust staff. It is also a sad feeling that I don't have any friends at all, tried my best to forget about it but it does pop up from time to time. Most of the time I have accepted that I won't be able to have one friend and a silm chance if I do get one. Anything further (e.g. girlfriend, wife, family) is completely out of the question.
I have tried since a few years ago to have a fresh start on a different forum (closed early this year) and didn't get a friend even though I did get close with a few people via PM.
Also much to most of the time I feel like I have nothing to say. It is really annoying and admittedly has been my problem for years, literally years to the point where half the time even to my parents I just say that I have nothing much to say. Most of the topics can be summed up in an altered quote:
"I'd like to start with some simple word associations. Just tell me the first word that pops into your head."
Football [referring to soccer] -> Corruption
TV -> Depressing
Music -> Autotune
Weather -> Miserable
Politics -> Corruption
Movies -> Mixed
Alcohol -> Poisonous
Drugs -> No
Skyfall -> Done
How can I talk about things that I don't like? I can't lie and I know it makes the other person annoyed or worse since most people seems to like those things. I even go as far as saying that I'm sorry for annoying any member on this forum.
I don't have a sense of humour at all. How can I create a sense of humour if nothing makes me laugh? The last time I ever laughed was one post elsewhere two years ago and can't remember before then... I do acknowledge SeductiveBaz's and Ted's posts since I know that they are designed to be funny [it is a compliment] but the other members who are known for their humour? Just can't recognise it.
Thinking about needing some help for a long time but sadly it is beyond the reach. For years tried to go to centres but either the government closed them down before I even had a chance of getting some help or for one didn't really help at all (it was claimed to be one that can but it was in a disused bank, got depressed there and were more obsessed about their own bank accounts than helping people, took a couple of months to realise this [it was every week] and pulled out). Threapy is really expensive and can work out the same price as going to University for a year, no joke. Our family doesn't have that kind of money even when saving up like crazy. Even with the threapy it wouldn't work due to my disablity [even says that the threapy is not suitable for people with learning difficulties on a government website]. I do have a disability that affects mental and a bit physical but wouldn't talk about it online.
Anti-depressants aren't the answer either. My mum takes those every day and her mood is well unstable. Sometimes she is depressed, other times funny as in mixed up, sometimes critical like today when a large dog [half the size of a human] was right next to me couldn't move forward or backwards, was right on my leg [the full leg] and she shouted in public to make me feel bad [I have a strong fear of dogs], other times actually okay. My old brother also takes anti-depressants and again unstable mood meaning that they are not working, he also apparently takes very strong sleeping tablets but I don't know since he and his family are miles away from us.
I wanted to have something to do that isn't playing games but I know that I can't do anything talented. Remember this post? I really want to do something like a small project with a few people. It would be a lovely thing because not only will it be a good thing if handled correctly but also quite happy too. Well as happy as I can get anyway. It is annoying when you can't draw, write, make music or any of those things even when I practiced to the point where I gave up. My best drawing looks like one of those dodgy DeviantArt drawings, failed English at school despite trying my best and music back in school I got the lowest grade possible, a U due to being tone deaf. U is lower than a F. For years I had a dream, an idea of something to be remembered. I don't have any large ambitions, hence even when I was younger didn't have an big dreams just small ones. There are a couple of medium sized ones though.
I just feel useless and boring to be honest.