MrThisucks' recent post, "Top 10 Pretty Ladies in Negima! Master Negi Magi", was not without substance. Indeed, it examined the many girls in "Negima", carefully evaluating their prettiness, the potential effects of impregnating one of them, and the erotic situations which can unfold in MMA class. However, I found myself worried that he regressed in merely ranking these anime girls by their beauty, rather than any sort of cum-related criteria, like he did in "TOP 10 CUMSLUTS IN FAIRY TAIL (18+ CONTENT)". I think that folks should not fear candidly discussing this stuff. And being that this site is "something something Haruhi" in one of the banners, I thought this series would be great to examine through this sticky white lens.
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CRITERIA
The Haruhi wiki, billing itself as "the wiki about the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, manga, and light novel series that anyone can edit," lists characters, of which 21 are major enough to receive a character image linking to their pages. Of these, 14 are female. Notably, some characters receive multiple pages for different variations on their characters -- for instance, in different timelines or at different points in time. Because the Haruhi wiki is "the wiki about the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, manga, and light novel series that anyone can edit," I will be trusting their judgment on this matter. I will be summarzing their attributes and ranking them by semenness, with the potential for ties in those instances where the semenness cannot be meaningfully distinguished.
Let's get started, and remember, Bouken Desho Desho !
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14. Kyon's sister, Middle School Haruhi (tie)
While most of the female characters in Haruhi are high-school students, and therefore measuring their semenness is abhored by those elements of society which cannot understand the knowledge we might gain from scientific examination of this phenomeon, these characters are even younger. In order to keep my generous funding from the University of Haruhi, I will be giving them a 0.0 semen score.
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12. Kuyou Suou
This girl has a lot of hair. My understanding is that girls don't like semen in their hair. I wouldn't know, so I tried to survey some women, asking them what they thought about this. Check out this video to see what happened!
I should expect that, as an anime character with some seriously big anime hair, this is even more of a non-starter. This chick doesn't care for semen and the statistical chance that she has even been in the tri-state area of some sticky ejaculate is questionable.
Semen score: 0.2
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11. Human Yuki
This human version of Yuki was created when [SPOILERS]
She is pretty shy. Semen? Shy? It kinda is asking for trouble. She might keep quiet or stumble over her words when she sees it. She might even want to be friends with the semen, but it is not to be. Semen and shyness are old favorites, but putting them together is like nails on a chalkboard. It's like, everybody who grew up in the nineties loved nails, and who could forget our friend the chalkboard? It's been so long. It makes me nostalgic.
It's the same with semen and shyness. They're great, but keep them seperate people.
Semen score: 0.7
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10. Haruhi Suzumiya
I know people are gonna get upset to see an old favorite so low on the list. And yeah, we have had some great times with Miya-moto, as she was called by all her closest friends. But semen? She might be the main character, but when it comes to how much semen she is, she just barely cracks the top ten.
Now, you might expect me to say, "It's good to see that her thirst for semen is well-represented because a lot of people draw porn of her," but that shit's not canon. I don't play it fast and loose. Facts certified by the Haruhi wiki only!
Semen score: 1.1
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9. Ryoko Asakura
If you haven't watched the anime, I'm sorry to break this to you, but she is very violent. She will cut off your penis. She will cut off your friend's penis. She has a knife, and she will cut off your nose. She will cut off your pinkie, she has another knife, and she will cut off your left buttock. She also stabs [SPOILERS] in the [SPOILERS]. Then she takes his penis and gets a little semen from it, just that one time. Then she carves a pumpkin. Watch "The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya" to see it all unfold.
Semen score: 2.0
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8. Yuki Nagato
If you were around for the first season, you call her "Yuki Classic." You do so incessantly in front of fans at anime conventions, you do so in front of your family and friends and coworkers and/or classmates. Everyone wants you to shut up about Yuki Classic. You say it to the original creator of Haruhi when you break into his house. He says she is called 長門有希 and that Yuki Classic isn't canon. You return to your home country, disgraced, you ばか.
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In an infamous episode she got the semen from Shamisen, the cat. Although the actual amount of semen was not that much, the unusual circumstances mean the semen score has to be a little higher.
Semen score: 2.7
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7. Sasaki
"Can I be in the anime?" asked Sasaki.
"No," said the executive producer of Haruhi, Geoff Keighley.
"W-why?"
"The anime is no more. Season 3 has been canceled so I can focus my efforts on The Game Awards. It's a showcase of the best of the best in the previous year of gaming. It also has some brand new reveals.
Also, there was a whole lot of semen there. There was a huge orgy and the whole place was flooded. I keep some with me in my briefcase, just as a souvenir. I'm not going to open it, but just the fact that you are in the same room as it means you'll get a pretty high semen score."
That man knows how this works.
Semen score: 3.9
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6. Mikuru Asahina
She comes from the future. In the future semen has contamined the water supply in small amounts, however it accumulates if you drink water a lot. She has a terrible water addiction so when you add it all up it ends up -- look, can you tell that I'm running short on ideas here? Moreover this is the fanservicey character and I'm trying to keep this tongue-in-cheek rather than make people uncomfortable. Please don't think I'm weird, guys!
Semen score: 5.4
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5. Kyouko Tachibana
She also won't be in the anime. Since finding out, semen has become her favorite past time. She now participates in the semen olympics. She skates on semen, swims in semen, shoots semen out of semen guns at targets. Every four years she stinks of ejaculate. She looks back thankful that she was able to escape the indignity that was being a Haruhi character.
Semen score: 6.8
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Not even in an ironic way.
4. Alternate Haruhi
She is the version of Haruhi with long hair in the movie. She doesn't have any more powers. She can't change reality. She is in a sexual relationship with Koizumi. Unlike the other characters who made contact with semen only occasionally, she is in an ongoing relationship and I assume has to deal with semen every so often. I dunno. Maybe Koizumi just cums all over the supperware. Whatever the cause, the semen score doesn't lie!
Semen score: 7.0
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3. Mikuru Asahina (older)
She's the older version. That means she has had longer to drink the water. And she hasn't overcome her addiction at all. It's very sad and could eventually lead to her breaking the semen scale. I'm glad I don't have to give her the trophy in this sick competition. She has dealt with enough in her life. She chews ice cubes and gulps down water from the local pool. There's sperm in every ounce. Something something breasts.
Semen score: 7.8
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2. Emiri Kimidori
This character is not very well known and is often forgotten by even the most hardcore Haruhi fans. She was not a regular by any means, but her stint brought her to the attention of anime executives everywhere. Suddenly she was landing roles all over the place. Eventually she had a place in the famous Game Awards, where she chose the winner for Most Doritoish Game on the Mountain Dew 64. While she has not made direct contact with the infamous white goo, she always masturbates to bukkake porn.
Semen score: 8.1
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1. Tsuruya
She is the green-haired one who laughs and stuff. She is known for the famous meme comic where she talks to Kyon and always ends by saying "Nyan~". Everybody knows that's the Japanese word for meow.
But let's get to the meat and potatoes. This chick loves semen. She also loves meat and potatoes. She takes jizz for breakfast and lunch. Not for dinner, because she has to leave room for that meat and potatoes. She slurps down semen in a smoothie. She cooks spunk into a souffle. She can't get enough potatoes and meat. It's not a very good diet.
Unfortunately, despite this well-documented fact, the likes of which can be determined through a simple perusal of the source material, not to mention the Haruhi wiki, there's not any porn. If there were, I would spam it all, right here, for you. I would be banned, sure, but you would know that I care about the truth, and that I care about you. Unfortunately, there's just nothing. I'm sorry to let you down.
Semen score: 8.8
+ She loves semen
+ Cinematic 24 fps graphics
- No hentai porn
- Broken promises
CRITERIA
The Haruhi wiki, billing itself as "the wiki about the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, manga, and light novel series that anyone can edit," lists characters, of which 21 are major enough to receive a character image linking to their pages. Of these, 14 are female. Notably, some characters receive multiple pages for different variations on their characters -- for instance, in different timelines or at different points in time. Because the Haruhi wiki is "the wiki about the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, manga, and light novel series that anyone can edit," I will be trusting their judgment on this matter. I will be summarzing their attributes and ranking them by semenness, with the potential for ties in those instances where the semenness cannot be meaningfully distinguished.
Let's get started, and remember, Bouken Desho Desho !
14. Kyon's sister, Middle School Haruhi (tie)
While most of the female characters in Haruhi are high-school students, and therefore measuring their semenness is abhored by those elements of society which cannot understand the knowledge we might gain from scientific examination of this phenomeon, these characters are even younger. In order to keep my generous funding from the University of Haruhi, I will be giving them a 0.0 semen score.
12. Kuyou Suou
This girl has a lot of hair. My understanding is that girls don't like semen in their hair. I wouldn't know, so I tried to survey some women, asking them what they thought about this. Check out this video to see what happened!
I should expect that, as an anime character with some seriously big anime hair, this is even more of a non-starter. This chick doesn't care for semen and the statistical chance that she has even been in the tri-state area of some sticky ejaculate is questionable.
Semen score: 0.2
11. Human Yuki
This human version of Yuki was created when [SPOILERS]
She is pretty shy. Semen? Shy? It kinda is asking for trouble. She might keep quiet or stumble over her words when she sees it. She might even want to be friends with the semen, but it is not to be. Semen and shyness are old favorites, but putting them together is like nails on a chalkboard. It's like, everybody who grew up in the nineties loved nails, and who could forget our friend the chalkboard? It's been so long. It makes me nostalgic.
It's the same with semen and shyness. They're great, but keep them seperate people.
Semen score: 0.7
10. Haruhi Suzumiya
I know people are gonna get upset to see an old favorite so low on the list. And yeah, we have had some great times with Miya-moto, as she was called by all her closest friends. But semen? She might be the main character, but when it comes to how much semen she is, she just barely cracks the top ten.
Now, you might expect me to say, "It's good to see that her thirst for semen is well-represented because a lot of people draw porn of her," but that shit's not canon. I don't play it fast and loose. Facts certified by the Haruhi wiki only!
Semen score: 1.1
9. Ryoko Asakura
If you haven't watched the anime, I'm sorry to break this to you, but she is very violent. She will cut off your penis. She will cut off your friend's penis. She has a knife, and she will cut off your nose. She will cut off your pinkie, she has another knife, and she will cut off your left buttock. She also stabs [SPOILERS] in the [SPOILERS]. Then she takes his penis and gets a little semen from it, just that one time. Then she carves a pumpkin. Watch "The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya" to see it all unfold.
Semen score: 2.0
8. Yuki Nagato
If you were around for the first season, you call her "Yuki Classic." You do so incessantly in front of fans at anime conventions, you do so in front of your family and friends and coworkers and/or classmates. Everyone wants you to shut up about Yuki Classic. You say it to the original creator of Haruhi when you break into his house. He says she is called 長門有希 and that Yuki Classic isn't canon. You return to your home country, disgraced, you ばか.
In an infamous episode she got the semen from Shamisen, the cat. Although the actual amount of semen was not that much, the unusual circumstances mean the semen score has to be a little higher.
Semen score: 2.7
7. Sasaki
"Can I be in the anime?" asked Sasaki.
"No," said the executive producer of Haruhi, Geoff Keighley.
"W-why?"
"The anime is no more. Season 3 has been canceled so I can focus my efforts on The Game Awards. It's a showcase of the best of the best in the previous year of gaming. It also has some brand new reveals.
Also, there was a whole lot of semen there. There was a huge orgy and the whole place was flooded. I keep some with me in my briefcase, just as a souvenir. I'm not going to open it, but just the fact that you are in the same room as it means you'll get a pretty high semen score."
That man knows how this works.
Semen score: 3.9
6. Mikuru Asahina
She comes from the future. In the future semen has contamined the water supply in small amounts, however it accumulates if you drink water a lot. She has a terrible water addiction so when you add it all up it ends up -- look, can you tell that I'm running short on ideas here? Moreover this is the fanservicey character and I'm trying to keep this tongue-in-cheek rather than make people uncomfortable. Please don't think I'm weird, guys!
Semen score: 5.4
5. Kyouko Tachibana
She also won't be in the anime. Since finding out, semen has become her favorite past time. She now participates in the semen olympics. She skates on semen, swims in semen, shoots semen out of semen guns at targets. Every four years she stinks of ejaculate. She looks back thankful that she was able to escape the indignity that was being a Haruhi character.
Semen score: 6.8
Not even in an ironic way.
4. Alternate Haruhi
She is the version of Haruhi with long hair in the movie. She doesn't have any more powers. She can't change reality. She is in a sexual relationship with Koizumi. Unlike the other characters who made contact with semen only occasionally, she is in an ongoing relationship and I assume has to deal with semen every so often. I dunno. Maybe Koizumi just cums all over the supperware. Whatever the cause, the semen score doesn't lie!
Semen score: 7.0
3. Mikuru Asahina (older)
She's the older version. That means she has had longer to drink the water. And she hasn't overcome her addiction at all. It's very sad and could eventually lead to her breaking the semen scale. I'm glad I don't have to give her the trophy in this sick competition. She has dealt with enough in her life. She chews ice cubes and gulps down water from the local pool. There's sperm in every ounce. Something something breasts.
Semen score: 7.8
2. Emiri Kimidori
This character is not very well known and is often forgotten by even the most hardcore Haruhi fans. She was not a regular by any means, but her stint brought her to the attention of anime executives everywhere. Suddenly she was landing roles all over the place. Eventually she had a place in the famous Game Awards, where she chose the winner for Most Doritoish Game on the Mountain Dew 64. While she has not made direct contact with the infamous white goo, she always masturbates to bukkake porn.
Semen score: 8.1
1. Tsuruya
She is the green-haired one who laughs and stuff. She is known for the famous meme comic where she talks to Kyon and always ends by saying "Nyan~". Everybody knows that's the Japanese word for meow.
But let's get to the meat and potatoes. This chick loves semen. She also loves meat and potatoes. She takes jizz for breakfast and lunch. Not for dinner, because she has to leave room for that meat and potatoes. She slurps down semen in a smoothie. She cooks spunk into a souffle. She can't get enough potatoes and meat. It's not a very good diet.
Unfortunately, despite this well-documented fact, the likes of which can be determined through a simple perusal of the source material, not to mention the Haruhi wiki, there's not any porn. If there were, I would spam it all, right here, for you. I would be banned, sure, but you would know that I care about the truth, and that I care about you. Unfortunately, there's just nothing. I'm sorry to let you down.
Semen score: 8.8
+ She loves semen
+ Cinematic 24 fps graphics
- No hentai porn
- Broken promises