MrThisucks' Top 10 lists - Top 10 Inmates in Orange Is The New Black

I thought I'd take a break from the usual anime-related list to bring you a list on appreciable women in a show I really like. Orange is the New Black, unlike anime that I usually watch, is a dark comedy/drama main focus on some bitch-ass bitch named Piper Chatman who turned herself into a prison because her lesbian girlfriend was a drug mule blah blah blah. Piper and her gf Alex both are pretty lame characters that I've grown sick of. Who I love is the supporting characters, for this show provides a wide cast of diverse women, all who have their own personality and drive and, especially, backstory. Well, I'm gonna shut my mouth and get on with this goddamn list.

#10-CLAUDETTE PELAGE


This hard ass motherfucker has been MIA for the last two seasons. Why? Because she choked a guard out for yelling at her because of her makeup. OK so out of context that makes her seem nuts, but it was something she did do. Claudette was introduced as ,of course, Piper's new cellmate who would bitch at her for little shit. But what did you expect? She's in jail, not summer camp. She came to America from Haiti and ended up being a maid her whole life, and ended up in jail for what I thought was murder, but this wiki I'm reading is saying otherwise. What lead me to believe it was murder is her episode where they reveal their whole story it clearly shows her murdering someone, quiet coolly actually, for beating one of the younger maids. But just because ONE PERSON contradicts that, its open to speculation. Now I know y'all been waiting for me to talk about her sexually so...umm...I guess not now. She's pretty old. Maybe in her younger days? I'm not into Haitians too much.

#9-NICOLE "NICKY" NICHOLS


This is the women you've been looking for, you perverts. Nicky is a heroin-addicted, sex-crazed lesbian who likes to joke around and slut around. Her exact felonies also are a little ambiguous, but it definitely had something to do with heroin. She caters to the Requiem for a Dream audience, but despite that we never see any ass-to-ass scenes. We do, instead, get the best carpet munching in the series. Look at her, she's a doll! Unlike Piper the surfboard, and, well I can't say Alex isn't pretty. I've been wanting to see lewd Laura Prepon since the 70's. That seen with Poussey and the German girl was ok, and Boo ruined her own sex scene. Throughout that scene I was making these sounds. Anyway, she's also been a real snarky character, and probably one of the most realest motherfuckers around. Well, when heroin isn't involved. Man, this girl just loves heroin. She could star in her own movie with those crazy jazz songs with the fast drums and the crazy saxophones going crazy then slowing down but just when you think it stopped it just gets CRAZIER and the you realized one of your heroin buddies stopped moving for a while. Plus what a great head of hair!

#8-NORMA ROMANO


I wouldn't say season 3 jumped the shark, but it got fucking nuts. One of the reasons is this bitch right here. Norma used to be Red's lackey. She's mute so naturally everyone would walk all over her, even more so because she's a pretty sweet person. The first instance was where she sang shocking everyone at the Christmas pageant. Nothing else especially crazy happens for a whole season, until season 3, where we learn she was in a cult. A cult she had been in since probably her early teens into relatively old age. She was vulnerable because of her stutter, and taken in only to be one of many wives for this heretical cultist, who, after the other multitudes of women he married freed themselves of his manipulation, got stuck with the old quiet ugly one. I love in that flashback when that cultists' car breaks down and the way he says goddamnit makes me shit myself laughing. Not like, feces come out my ass shit myself, you know, just laughing hard. Once the cultist figures out he can't become a bird, he projects his anger on Norma and tells her she wasted her life following a man who acknowledge himself as a false prophet. So what does she do? THROW HIM OFF A CLIFF, CALLING HIM A SON OF A BITCH! Years later, in Litchfield Prison, after many of the prisoners begin to seek guidance from her, she LEADS THEM LIKE A CULT! Hugging and rubbing and making women just as vulnerable as she was years ago, follow her like she followed that dude way back. It all comes crashing down later, but still history repeated itself! Would I bang her? Her younger self without a doubt. Look at her. Her beauty withered away to some sick polygamist who wanted her the least of his wives. She was a rose given to a man without love. A Thanksgiving feast turned to poison. Poor, poor Norma.

#7-TASHA "TAYSTEE" JEFFERSON


This girl gets a shitload of screen time, and for good reason. Taystee is a fun, loving woman who really shouldn't be in jail. She's a nice person who's only caregiver was a sick, twisted criminal. Taystee is an orphan who was taken up by a woman and future inmate Vee, a malevolent women who took in orphans to use as pawns for her drug trades. When Taystee started to become too much of a functional member of society, Vee said "Listen, bitch. You either help me sell drugs or you lose your little family of orphans." Rather than having no one, she had to live a life of criminality. In prison, she's the chill bookkeeper alongside Poussey, who for a while had a huge lesbian crush on her. Then Taystee was all like "Nuh-uh girl, I like dick. No offence." So naturally Poussey took it offensively and since has been a little disconnected with the gang of onscreen black chicks. Even so, she still cares for people she is close to. Always looked at Poussey forlornly when Vee messed with her, helped her curb her alcoholism, helped Crazy Eyes get over Vee's death, cried for that one dude that died. There's a lot of potential in Taystee as demonstrated in that episode when they get that job fair thing, and like her, is locked up from the world. Would I hit that? Yeah, she looks like she likes to cuddle.

#6-MARISOL "FLACA" GONZALEZ


I'd be her friend in real life. Like, if we went to school together I hang out with her and listen to The Smiths with her in one of our rooms. If she came over, I'd make pupusas with her and if I went to her house her mom would make posole and we'd chill. I'd speak in my usual pseudo-intellectual demeanor and she with her caustic but wondrous tone, or however you'd describe the way she speaks. Hell, I'd be the boyfriend in that episode with her backstory. Flaca was a character that was easy to not give a shit about. Her and Maritza were two inseparable shit talkers along the sidelines of the prison, making snarky remarks about everything. However she did have her moments like this picture I used from the mock job fair and when she blackmailed Bennett. But I gave a shit. I gave a shit hard in her backstory episode where we find out she wanted to upstage her boyfriend in high school who sold drugs by selling fake drugs. Wacky amirite? Unfortunately, due to the one-upsmanship the writers faced with themselves, this crazy kid on a placebo-induced LSD trip FUCKING JUMPS OFF THE SCHOOL ROOF, killing himself. This season dealt with a shitload of topics and it nails the head on the justice system not focusing on the root problem of troubled teens. In this case, it wasn't Flaca's fault for selling the kids fake drugs that made him kill himself, but for no one providing care for his depression, which they barely mention, but I caught it. I'm watching you, writers. Anyway, Flaca proves herself as another young, ambitious woman who is held back by prison much like Taystee, but Flaca is actually a little bit of a criminal at heart. C'mon Flaca, did you really have to sell them drugs? Would definitely marry and have little flaquitas.

#5-PATRICIA "TRICIA" MILLER


A youngster among the prison, Tricia was a straight up girl who was a tad insecure and feared her girlfriend in prison would forget her. Tricia had a hard time for a long time. She was homeless before she was in prison, having to steal in order to survive. But she was not a thief. She had a list of the various things she took and planned to pay all her dues as she went along. Unfortunately, she was unable to complete that task as her life was cut short due to drug addiction. Red and Nicky tried to get her off the stuff, but she was given a bag of Oxycontin and took the whole thing. She was then hung by Pornstash to cover up the death as a suicide. A sad character. I wish she was able to stick around. She was nice and wasn't a criminal. She was just going through a lot of hardship and was too stubborn to take handouts. We didn't get to know her long, but I was attached to her for the short time she was there.

#4-TIFFANY "PENNSATUCKY" DOGGETT


Pennsatucky, the once main antagonist of the show, has been through a lot of shit. You'd think she'd become irrelevant after Piper beats the shit out of her(hell, wouldn't it be CRAZY if she got killed on Christmas that season? How over-the-top would the show have to be to keep that up, huh?) or after none of her old meth-head friends hang out with her, but she's a more interesting character than that lame ass Piper. Pennsatucky was, at the beginning, a religious zealot who was in jail for getting mad and shooting a woman who said "The next abortion's on the house, ya whore." She then went in and blasted her to smithereens with a shotgun and a group of radical Christians who had planned to bomb that abortion clinic pumped their fist in the air, chanting "Yeah, yeah!" as she proceeded to murder that woman. As Christians fought for her freedom, believing she murdered for a religious cause, she believed she was "chosen" and tried to heal a girl in a wheelchair who had nerves of steel, which was made apparent when Poussey said "You think you hard cuz you in a wheelchair?" Then Pennsatucky got into a fight with Piper, who fucking rekt her shit. She was sent to Chicago to await execution and everything...or at least I wished she was when I saw that episode. Fuck Piper. Anyway, in season 2, she became...cute. It was weird because once her teeth got replaced, her mannerisms became more playful and she became friends with Healy and they cheered each other up and she got a new haircut and had all this transition. Getting beat by Piper was probably the best thing to happen to her. She got new friends and even got to get driving privileges, which ultimately led to her getting raped. It was awful and heartbreaking. In season 3 she gets escorted by this new guard Coates, who tries to shill for red velvet donuts and looks like he's a guy you'd hire if Steve Buscemi was busy. Pennsatucky, being her new, playful, friendly self became fast friends with Coates. But then things got weird when they went out to feed ducks and he made her fetch a donut off the ground like a dog. I was like "Dude, what the hell." Which reminds me last night I saw this episode of Undercover Boss and in the Hooters episode they showed this guy who had his employees have bean eating contest to leave work early. It was really disturbing, but I bet it will make great poop material. Anyway, Coates and Pennsatucky's relationship becomes more close and yet worse as they kind of start dating and then Coates ends up raping her and she just sits there and takes it. And its awful! She's a prisoner so she has no credibility if she's not pregnant and is helpless. And sure, it shows in the past how she whored herself out for Mountain Dew, but c'mon man, you shouldn't go around raping prisoners. So in an act of revenge she drugs him and plans with Boo to shove a broom up his ass, but she doesn't have it in her and instead has a "seizure" in one of their rides together, letting herself get replaced with Maritza, one of the Latinas, who is probably going to end up another victim. I don't know, I have a thing for rednecks I think. I love My Name I Earl. Would I bang? She's had enough. I'd be her BFF though.

#3-LORNA MORELLO


The only crime committed here is not loving Lorna. Its a travesty, she's a doll! Lorna is the glimmer of hope in their miserable prison. She's this living homage to the women in 1950's era pin up girls. She was always planning was her and Christopher were gonna get married. She had to break up her relationship with Nicky to tighten herself up for him, only truly gets angry when people mock her and Christopher's relationship, and is always keeping herself pretty. So why is this beauty in jail? Well for one she committed tons of mail fraud, the other is that she and this Christopher guy aren't a thing. She actually is a very deluded stalker. ONE date, and she was ready to blow him and his fiance up with a car bomb. This woman. Look at her. She's made of glass. She was the van driver for most of the series and one day strayed away to break into Christopher's house. If she was left alone with a van, you'd think she'd escape to anywhere but no, she goes and breaks into that man's house! She then goes and breaks in, looks at stuff while crying, and puts on a wedding veil and takes a bath. It's weird, but it's sad to see how desperate she is for love. After this ordeal, Christopher actually goes and visits her, but to her dismay, he goes and reveals to everyone that she's a psycho and say "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" and she is forever embarrassed for not having a real boyfriend. Then when Nicky gets put in maximum security, she cries her eyes out and looks destroyed! She just gets one punch in the face right after the other. Or more accurately, a punch to the heart. But she's strong, and persist on, and GOT MARRIED !!!! After exploiting a bunch of dudes who try to hookup with inmates, I would say my favorite of the group is that weeaboo who I thought was played by David Anthony Higgins who played Craig Feldspar in Malcolm in the Middle, but it turns out its played by some nobody named Brian Silliman so now I don't give a shit, she ends up marrying one named Vincent who she fucking uses to get revenge on Christopher. by claiming he's been acting like a pervert and Vince goes with a couple buddies and beat the shit out of him. Finally, she gets the love she oh so deserves. I WANT TO BE VINCENT!

#2-BROOK SOSO


Ok, I know someone is gonna be like, "Of course MrThisucks is going to put the Asian high up." I'm not crazy for Asians, despite me having a blog loosely dedicated to critiquing their female anime characters, making a ton of YouTube Poops using anime, watching a fair amount often, listening to some Japanese music as I'm typing this, I don't care that much that she is Asian. I ain't got yellow fever or anything, but I must say, she is in my opinion the prettiest inmate. How could you smile like that while your in prison? Soso is a hilariously naive character who often annoys inmates and drives them off most of the time with her chatterbox-like tendencies.She is one of those activist girls who is against the 1% and refuses to shower to have her natural smells and is force to bathe, which is fucking demoralizing for her. She even rallies up a hunger strike which she herself can't commit to and is one of the founding members of Norma's cult, later excommunicated for disagreeing with Leanne Taylor. She first goes to Litchfield and becomes friends with Piper, but Piper, being the bitch that she is, trades her for a blanket. Fuck Piper. Anyway, she gets pity fucked by Nicky, and then she goes through a cycle of isolation and being left out as she tries to fit in with her activism and chattering and I think one episode she was talking about one of those click-bait movie theories about Weekend at Bernie's and everyone hated her. All this unfolds before my eyes and I'm just like "Go home to someone who loves you please!" Everyone hates her and I'm not sure why. I would think being stuck in prison and having someone who spouts a bunch of things that can be explored in depth for hours, hours which they definitely have, would be a godsend. Maybe because I'm close to Soso's age group and want to be with people like her. I want to end her search for friendship. I'll enjoy her presence, but alas, not many feel the same. The end of the 3rd season shows her going through depression, and Healy offers antidepressants, but the Soso, who is against chemical use, goes to the other counselor and gives her some advice and shit. She compares being a friend with the counselor like being friends with the lunch lady at school and decides she should take the pills, an act which symbolizes her disposing her former self and accepting that she needs to change in order to survive jail. Instead, however, she see's a bunch of pills laying around and tries to kill herself. I'm not going to lie, I cried a little. I got made fun of by my brother and felt like whenever I attach to a character, this show takes them away from me hard, as if its real life, where good people go bad or die. THANKFULLY it was just a bunch of benedryl and Poussey and Taystee found her just in time to quietly make her vomit all those pills and guide her around as recovers from taking all of those pills.Then she straight up tells Healy he's a crappy counselor and becomes friends with the black girls. A happy ending to a tragic character. I don't care about any sex when it comes to Soso. I just wanna make her happy. I'll carry a boombox over my head outside her window, shout with her at the bow of a ship, and if she marries someone else I'll be there to object as dramatically as my passion may be. We can do improv together, watch movies together, and hell, even protest together. I want to grow old with Soso. I want to go back in time and experience all the hardships and awkwardness of adolescence alongside her hand in hand. I want to wipe her tears if they shall ever fall. I would not treat her like a human, for it would be disrespectful. I would treat her like so much more. Soso is definitely the best girl, so why is there still one more spot left?







#1-ROSA CISNEROS


I might not have much to say, and there isn't much to be said, but man, Rosa was the best. If Soso is the best girl, Rosa is the best woman. Rosa was a bank robber, who wanted to pretty much be the next Bonnie and Clyde. She robbed banks with her boyfriend and two other dudes, but on one robbery, her boyfriend died in her arms. To fill the void in her heart, she fell for one of the other fellow bank robbers and on another robbery, he died of a heart attack. The last robber refused to kiss her, and after that heist went so well, and a lone heist landed her in jail, she realized every man she kissed was doomed to die in a heist. She spent the rest of her lonely life, rotting in prison and was dying of cancer, with nothing left but to have a good sense of humor about it, which was a little sad when you think about those times she joked about it. "What, you got cancer too?" she would tell Healy. But in her last days, when she found out she was gonna have a couple weeks left and all she could do at that point was wait, she had one last heist with a young boy with cancer and they robbed a drunk nurse for $60. She saw him crying later and thought her cursed was gonna kill him, but he went into remission and that's why you see her laughing right here. As she goes back to prison, Morello gives her the vans and says "GO AND DON'T LOOK BACK!" and she does! On her way out of prison, she see's Vee and rams her, sending her into the sky and says "That woman, always so rude," as Don't Fear the Reaper plays and dies in a blaze of glory. She was truly worth shedding tears for. She couldn't love because everyman would die, and couldn't bear children because of the cancer, and just had to be in jail. I just want to give her a hug.


Thanks for reading!