I didn't like it.

At all. At. All.

I know it might seem odd coming from me, since I'm very good with giving things a chance and I try my best to see the good/redeemable aspects of even the most widely hated media. Basically, I'd say I'm an easygoing guy. Not saying it's wrong to be passionate and critical, of course, and it's always refreshing to see people praise and criticize things with well worded, challenging thoughts, so I'm not touting my attitude as superior. Everyone has a way of approaching things, and I stated my way.

But even I can't, in good faith, use my lenient methods to describe this... well, frankly, shit. I thought it was just really, really disappointing at first, but as I think about it more and more, I'm slowly realizing how truly insulting, sub-standard and plain fucking STUPID it really is.

Yeah, you can probably tell I'm coming on strongly about my feelings; I am. When it comes to basically everything, I have a very prominent tendency to sugarcoat my feelings and make them as understandable and accepting as possible. I'm a very tolerant person in general, ultimately. But after seeing what became of this show, I just can't take it anymore.

I need to rant. Bad.

I loved the comic strip as a kid. Next to Calvin & Hobbes, it was one of my favorites due to the satire, humor and art style. Huey and Micheal's contrasting demeanors and viewpoints often made for entertaining reading, the stuff poked fun at in general was endearing to see, and Riley, is... well, Riley. You get my point. I didn't find out about the show until around 2008 or so, but I wasn't sure what to think. Comic strip adaptions of shows never sat well with me; the only one I really liked was Dilbert. Baby Blues' adaption was horseshit (and I didn't even like the strip itself to begin with, so that sure as hell didn't help), Garfield's was okay at best, and basically every other one I witnessed was just dull as shit. I WAS quite tempted to see how supposedly good it was, since at the time, it was receiving a bunch of good reviews, but I relented regardless; if there was one thing I knew back then, it was that I was cynical as hell when it came to TV (hell, sometime during 2008's summer, I made a huge post here on how much I hated TV at the time), and another shitty newspaper comic adaption wouldn't make me feel any more positive about it.

Then I finally decided to give it a go on April 2010.

It was so, SO worth it that it wasn't even funny. What few expectations I had were absolutely blown away from the very first episode; the anime-style animation, hysterical dialogue, well distinguished characters and great music (seriously, look up the mix-tapes on YouTube; they're fucking amazing) instantly made me fall in love with the show. It was rather low-key and quite vulgar, but that's part of what I loved about it; the show wasn't afraid to pull any punches at all, and despite the fact that you could tell it was an adaption of the strip, it often felt like something different and fresh. It didn't go out of its way to differentiate from its origins on the newspaper, but it still kept the satirical spirit of that counterpart regardless.

Unfortunately, my adoration of the show made me start imitating the speech mannerisms of the characters, so understandably some people just thought I liked the show because everyone said 'nigga' a lot. I can assure you, though, that even back then, that was in no way the only reason (or even A reason) I liked it. It's just that it's probably only now that I'm fully explaining why I loved it so much at the time and why I still do to this day.

The next two seasons were even better; each funnier, more energetic and more entertaining than the last. The stark realism of the first season wasn't there, so plots were often wackier, but for me, that didn't ruin the show at all. The satire, humor and likability of the characters were still there in droves, there were still plenty of hints of realism and the already great looking animation and art dramatically improved. And of course, the music was as amazing as ever. I still consider A Date With the Booty Warrior to be my favorite episode of the entire series; 4 years later, and I continue to laugh my ass off each and every time I see it. Just the perfect combination of pants-shittingly hilarious dialogue, parody, craziness and overall Boondocks spirit in my opinion. Oh, and Clifton Powell (Big Smoke!) voices one of the in-mates, so even back then I knew I was going to love it. Alas, no good thing lasts, and I was quite distraught when the third season ended. I quickly declared the cartoon one of my favorites of all time. I found very little wrong with it, honestly.

Then... four years later, a small teaser was released by Adult Swim that instantly grabbed my interest and made me incredibly excited, with the soulful hip-hop that I've come to love from the series and a relaxing tone.

And then the trailer for the 4th season came out. I loved what I saw. A Breaking Bad parody, a small but hilarious helping of Ruckus, great animation as always... but a few things made me ask myself questions.

What's with the dub-step beat? Why does the writing seem a little... different? Where's Thugnificent?

It wasn't necessarily bad; not by any means, really. But there was a distinct... well, difference in feel from what I was used to from the series. It felt less clever and satirical and more by-the-book. I knew Aaron wasn't going to be over-seeing the season like with the previous ones, but it still felt rather jarring to see the changes. Being the guy I am, though, I still wanted to give it a chance, because hey, new Boondocks after almost 5 years! Can't be that bad, right?

As I watched each new episode, though, I quickly began to realize how naive I really was.

The show was NOTHING like it used to be. The wit, energy, heart, writing... just about EVERYTHING that made the first few seasons great was missing. Sure, there WERE some diamonds in the rough like Freedom Ride or Die (which told a fairly well written story about his time as a Freedom Rider, although the ending was pretty dumb), Granddad Dates a Kardashian (a funny take on people who're obsessed with ass implants) and Stinkmeaner: Begun the Clone War Has (the official end to the Stinkmeaner storyline, though I personally preferred how season 3 went about it), but by and large, the season felt much less like The Boondocks and a lot more like a cheap knock-off of it. And it's not just (or maybe even, I don't even know) that the show was so dissimilar to its former self; hell, South Park from seasons 4-14 was quite different from the first 3 seasons, and the show still managed to be hilarious most of the time and kept the spirit of its original self up until season 15, where for me it became heavily hit-and-miss.

If the show still had all the qualities of the previous seasons (intelligent look into American/black culture, great writing, excellent music... you get the idea), just with a different approach to writing, I would've been fine with things changing. However, watching basically one episode of the season was enough to tell me that they wanted to revive The Boondocks for one last season just for the sake of it.

For starters, any development the characters went through was basically thrown out the window, and some were even made really unlikable. Ruckus went from an incredibly racist, horrible human being that nevertheless professed his views in a hilariously line-crossing, surprisingly loquacious way and had an incredibly traumatizing past that, once revealed, at least partially changed his character and made his current personality understandable (though still not in any way justifying anything he said or did over the course of the series), to a dude that basically spouts horrifically racist remarks every 5 seconds with hardly a hint of humor, satire or justification (as justifiable as Ruckus gets, anyway, but still). I went from cracking up constantly at the horrendously offensive stuff he said to just being completely disgusted by it, since they basically decided to say 'fuck it' in terms of making him at least partially more likable despite an entire episode being dedicated to explaining his behavior, making said episode, and every appearance he made afterwards (except 'It's Going Down', where his place in the episode at least wasn't that major and his racist tendencies were fairly toned down in comparison to what was usual at the time), completely pointless.

Tom was never a ballsy character by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing that made ADWtBW my favorite episode was that it taught him to stand up for himself more. The very first episode of the new season? Focuses on Sarah basically walking all over him until Pretty Boy Fleezy steps in and... teaches him to stand up for himself more. What the hell was the point of the plot of ADWtBW if PBF basically all but said that 'Tom's still a total pussy despite the fact that he risked his life to fight off a rapist and succeed'? It's kind of minor compared to my other issues with the season, but it's still something that I wasn't exactly happy with; a classic case of a butt monkey going through development, getting thrown a bone for it, then having said development more-or-less completely reversed because fuck you, we love tormenting him.

Grandad went from a somewhat kooky, grumpy and childish, but ultimately well-intentioned, elderly man to a gullible, near-retarded asshole that got way, WAY too much focus. I know he's a main character, but still, you don't fucking KNOW about Spotlight Stealing Squads until you witness this season; practically every episode this season either focuses on Grandad or heavily features him. That alone got incredibly irritating and I had to keep myself from groaning and changing the channel several times. My patience can only be tested so much.

Riley and Huey weren't any better, which sucks, considering they're also main characters.

Huey's cynical mindset was brought into the light far too much for my taste and basically made him a toned down Lisa Simpson/Brian Griffin (okay, maybe that's not quite accurate, but still). Before, he just gave advice and offered his viewpoint on situations every once in a while and even when he did, it was hard not to agree with him more often than not. He often had a direct hand in the plot as well, so he wasn't just at the sidelines. Now EVERY SINGLE TIME anybody does something even remotely wrong or disagreeable, Huey has to be the one that points it out. It makes him come off less as a reasonable, if cynical, kid just trying to make his good intentions known through compelling speeches and effective action and more a snarky, passive-aggressive little bastard. What doesn't help is that his role is regulated SOLELY to a 'you're doing this wrong' statement generator. He only directly helps keep the plot moving once or twice during the season. It's just really, really annoying.

Riley basically just spends most of his time having either nothing go right for him (hell, the LAST EPISODE ends with him basically being at the receiving end of torment even if he deserved it; I'll get more into it later), bitching at everything or just yelling/making fun of his grandfather. It's not TOO far off from his original personality, I suppose, but at least he got a lot of funny lines in and was a fairly interesting character during the first three seasons. Here? I had basically no reason whatsoever to care for him.

As far as appearances from other loved characters go... no Ed Wuncler III and Gin Rummy . Thugnificent being basically nowhere to be found was a huge blow to me as well. Even if they DID happen to make appearances and I probably just forgot, none of their roles were memorable and this season just seemed to rely on the core cast a bit too much (especially the aforementioned Grandad). It got really dull really, really fast. Ed Wuncler Jr.'s few appearances weren't anything terribly entertaining, unfortunately.

I could go on with this, but I don't know what else to say. Laziness, that's all there really is to it.

The music is also something that really bugged me. There was a distinct lack of awesome beats and fitting tracks that made me tempted to go on YouTube for. Hell, there wasn't even a new mixtape for this season from what I can tell. Only one beat was really used.

The writing also took a pretty massive hit. You know how beyond all the swearing and mature content, there was a sort of... wit or appealing humorous edge to the first three seasons? Like, compare any episode of those seasons to a season 4 episode. You'll know what I mean. It's kind of like comparing The Sopranos to Lost, is what I'm getting at. It's really jarring, and there were way, WAY too few genuinely clever lines or scenes. It just felt extremely atypical of adult cartoons.

If I could condense the remainder of my thoughts at least a bit to avoid rambling, I'll just say that almost everything about the new season bugged the shit out of me. I tried giving it a chance as hard as I could, and I managed to watch every episode, but looking back, I didn't realize until now how hard I struggled to squeeze enjoyment out of the season. Not one laugh or anything.

What bugged me most of all, though, was the lack of interesting portrayals of black culture, which was... well, basically one of the points of the show from the beginning.

To go a bit deeper into why I felt this was such an important aspect of the show: I had Black History month in several of my history classes in high school, and while I was always very, very sympathetic to the plight of the race and never really saw what the hell the big deal was about people with different skin hues, learning in-depth what these individuals had to go through just horrified me in every way. I always hated racism and discrimination, and knowing that, even to this day, it still exists for ANY sub-set of people, whether it be African-Americans, Asians, people with disabilities, homosexuals, what have you, will always greatly enrage me. It's not a choice to have a disability or be of a certain sexuality, much less be a certain race, and I feel you should be proud of what you are in spite of it; it's only as bad as you make it out to be.

I always thought it was interesting that a select portion of blacks used hip-hop, jazz and soulful music as outlets for creativity and stress, and even before I knew of the struggles of the race, I enjoyed rap and such due to beats and lyrics and stuff. The great deal of sympathy I have for what they had to go through, once I found things out, greatly enhanced my appreciation for these genres of music.

My point, though, is that despite cultural, social and ideological differences, I don't see any race as significantly different from one another. Deep down, we're all people, and appearances, behavior, skin color, what have you won't change that as far as I can tell. And part of what I love about Boondocks is that it tore the ignorant/close-minded idiots a new one. Don't like "stupid honkies" or "dumb niggers"? The Boondocks lets you know that you're just looking at a portion of people through stereotypes perpetuated by media and malicious mindsets. It became somewhat less common throughout the show in place of more general storylines, but the intentions/challenges were still there throughout the first 5 years, so it's not as if the show ever completely abandoned it.

I dunno, maybe I'm not exactly right with how I'm looking at this. I might just be talking out of my ass or taking it a bit too much at face value. But one thing is for sure the case; I've always highly respected what McGruder has crafted with his series, and I always will. His views speak to me in a way I might never really be able to describe in a way that's fully coherent.

The fourth season basically undoes this focus and makes the series a typical 'wacky adult sitcom with tons of raunchy humor and n-words and half-assed/occasionally funny satire thrown in for the sake of a message for the people to use on those with opinions different from theirs!'. There's changing the way a show is written and flat-out changing a core purpose into something that spits in the face of it. I was just... really, really, REALLY pissed at what they did to a show I loved so dearly. Only one or two real episodes really had an inkling of what the show once was (the previously mentioned Freedom Ride or Die and Freedomland, though even the latter was ruined by shoehorning in Ruckus' OMG HILARIOUS AND TOTALLY NOT OVERDONE RACISM, so only FRoD harkened back to the old feel of The Boondocks); everything else just felt way too much like Boondocks written by people who didn't understand what made the show special to begin with.

Again, though, I'm not saying that it was solely the fact that Boondocks tore down ignorance that made it special and nothing else; look up and you'll see that I also mentioned the characters, music, dialogue and whatnot. It's just that the focus on cultures was a particularly major part of the show, and to see the show both almost completely dismiss that AND ruin the other elements was just very saddening for me.

It wasn't a complete train-wreck, though; like I said, I enjoyed Freedom Ride or Die, Granddad Dates a Kardashian and Stinkmeaner: Begun the Clone War Has. Not anywhere close to the quality of the previous seasons, of course, but considerably better than the other turds I had to witness.

Then after nine episodes of this generic tripe came the final nail in the coffin that solidified this as a shit-stain of a season and a black mark on the show; The New Black.

Bar Goodlove's (an earlier character that I liked) surprising reappearance, I could hardly find it in me to like the episode. The concept itself was nice; a look into people using gay and retarded as regular insults. The execution? Could've been so much better.

So, SO Much better.
Obviously, I thought the whole season was bad as is, especially compared to how great the first three seasons were (keep in mind that this is, again, one of my favorite cartoons of all time, so I had high expectations for the final season despite Aaron not being involved), but I at least thought they'd step it up a BIT more for the series finale. I probably should have known better, and I'm most likely looking at it through rose-tinted bias goggles, but I still can't begin to express my disappointment.

The overarching plot introduced early in the season (The Freeman family being poor, which in itself wasn't handled too well for the most part) was pretty much just left on standby for whatever reason and no changes were made to the status quo. Which really doesn't make any sense, since this is the FINAL EPISODE and considering all the interesting elements they introduced, including the plot, I would've loved a proper wrap-up, but I guess that was just asking for too much. Either way, you simply don't introduce a major story, decide to not bother with an ending, and just expect viewers to forget about it at the end of it all, but the writers just didn't seem to get that. Sure, it was already focusing on a potentially good concept, but they could've at least made it a side-plot or scrap it early on as a surprise so they could go all out with the world of The Boondocks and give us one hell of an ending.

Beyond that, the episode's execution of the concept... alright, actually. Better than other episodes, that's for sure. Would've been perfectly fine as a standalone episode, really, but not as a season finale, much less, again, a SERIES finale. When you take that into consideration, that's why I'm so disappointed at the writers just playing it safe and making a normal episode instead of a knockout finale. The jokes in general at least got a few smirks out of me for a change, which I DEFINITELY can't say for the rest of the season, where I mostly either just got a huge "meh" feeling or wanted to change the channel as soon as possible.

But a part of me was still on my toes. I knew this was an Adult Swim show, so a part of me still had hope that these guys would pull out some crazy shit at the last minute.

Nothing of that effect ever came, though. It just ended abruptly with Riley being chased by the special needs people, and what (very) little enjoyment I got out of the episode, and effectively the entire season, was quickly crushed as a result of that, knowing that this was the end of a show that they could've spent time building towards an insane final plot-line or whatever and instead chose to cash in on the popularity and laurels.

I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. I had a feeling in my heart that felt like a hole was cut through. Instead of thinking to myself "woah, best ending to a cartoon ever, this reinforces my love for The Boondocks", I thought "...WHAT. THE HELL. WAS THAT.".

And as you can most likely guess, I did not mean that in a good way by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't a 'holy shit' what the hell, it was a 'what the fucking motherfucker fuck was that abysmal, appallingly written bullshit' what the hell.

I've seen countless things I've loved throughout the years changed to generic pandering bullshit, abominations or something that appeals to executives. I've done my best to tolerate it all, as I know not everything's perfect and there's some sort of reason for most things, no matter how twisted or poorly explained.

Once again, I might just be taking this far, far too seriously. I might just be exaggerating the hell out of my views and making the final season writers out to be heinous monsters instead of dudes that just wanted to write a season for one of my favorite shows (which, as an idea in itself, I greatly appreciate despite the execution being every type of shit). Really, no one's the monster here. They simply did what they wanted (from what I can tell, anyway...) and that was that. You know what they say; if life gives you lemons, use them!

But my stance remains; I never thought, out of all things, The Boondocks would be subjected to this kind of atrocious handling. It's one of Adult Swim's most popular shows, and it's gotten a good amount of views over the years, so maybe I should have expected a certain set of eyes to look into it. Regardless, to see something I love so much become this in its final days is just something I cannot let slide without giving my thoughts on it. I really do love this show, and I love it enough that I'm not ashamed that I'm passionate about it, even if its a bit too much. Though at the end of the day, it's not comparable to an epidemic, natural disaster or a church bombing. It's just a show based off a comic.

Still a shame to end all shames, though.

Was it fate that brought us together? Was it an act of some benevolent God? Had the planets aligned toward this very spot? Had I subconsciously wished upon what I had mistaken for a falling star? Perhaps… or perhaps this was merely another mysterious and rather unexpected intervention of that incomprehensible character known as dumb luck. Whatever the case, I stood, with a ghastly expression of dumbfoundedness upon my own hastily shaven face, no further than ten meters away from a fallen angel.

She laid still on the ground before me, staring straight upward at the very heavens she had most assuredly had been cast down from, her unblinking cerulean eyes glistening in the moon’s pale light, her perfect bosom, beneath which I knew must lie the purest of hearts, remaining more still than the ground that laid beneath her. Indeed, the fluttering of her pearlescent gown in the gentle evening breeze merely accentuated her stillness, giving the appearance that the entire world itself was centered about her angelic form. Had it not been for the dark liquid surrounding her upper body, dampening her long, silvery light hair, as well as the grass and vegetation around her, this would have truly been a scene of the utmost ethereal beauty.

The only explanation I could fathom for such a template of perfection to be banished to our own unsightly little rock was an act of envy on part of lesser divine beings who despite their own elegance, must have paled in comparison to this impeccable specimen. For as I stared, still every bit as awestruck and disbelieving at this scene, her pale flawless skin seemed to give off its own light underneath the full moon, a glow that rather than illuminating the surrounding area, made all things else become dim and utterly insignificant. I dared not draw closer, for fear that I would never be able to leave her side; for I knew the longer I stayed, the more time Mother Nature would have to expose her cruelty upon the angel’s unblemished body.

I tried not to let thoughts of how her heavenly figure would begin to decay, how the maggots would feast upon her celestial flesh, and how the devils of the wild would have their way with her. As I turned around and continued my evening stroll, I simply fixated in my mind the image of her motionless blue eyes staring up at the stars that were as perfect and radiant as her own skin, allowing the scene to become a permanent part of my recollection, where I would be able to revisit it in all its excellence, unmolested by the passage of time or the trials of nature.

Let’s first clear up why exactly I am reviewing this. I was going through a bunch of crap in my basement from grade school and found this little paperback tucked away. It used to be one of my favorites as a pre-adolescent young dude. But then again, so did shopping carts, Sonic the Hedgehog fanfics, and TheFamilyLawnmower. So, with that out of the way, let’s see how this book stacks up to other works such as Master Harold…and the Boys.


Let's read.

First off: it’s about furries. Well, not furries, but anthropomorphic mice. The fact that it’s a rodent-based work with a storyline pretty much automatically puts it above, say, Sonic ’06. Ha ha! With the obligatory Sonic reference out of the way, let’s move into the characters that we’ll meet.

First off, we’ve got Geronimo Stilton. He’s described as “a learned and brainy mouse” in the preface to his book. That he gets author credit for. He may be brainy, but he sure isn’t humble.
Next up is Thea, or “the one with the eyelashes”. She’s female and the younger sister of Geronimo. Lord knows the Stilton parents are not consistent with names, but whatever. She’s persnickety and shit.
After that is Trap, the incredibly-unfortunately-named cousin of the two miscreants protagonists. He apparently owns a store called “Cheap Junk For Less”, which, presumably, is a division of Kmart. Only kidding, these are mice, you idiot. They don’t have Kmarts. Let’s be realistic here. He’s got quite the beer belly as well.
And finally, the runt of the litter is Benjamin, “Geronimo’s favorite nephew” as the preface states. Wow, Geronimo! You and your books must be a real hit at family gatherings! Anyway, somehow Trap’s seed managed to bumble its way into some poor woman, and li’l Benjamin popped out a few months later. They both wear red suspenders so you know they’re related.


Ken Penders strikes again!

The first thing you notice once you get to the actual “story” (as Geronimo Stilton and his questionable judgment would call it) is that holy fuck the author sure does like to use many different fonts, almost all of which appear to be from 1998. They are in color as well.


Textual healing

Chapter One opens with an exclamation! “We Want Stil-ton!” exclaims the title! And you can be damned sure that that is not a cry of someone who loves cheese! As Geronimo Stilton enters his office at The Rodent’s Gazette, he sure is relieved that no one recognized him. “Because, you see, I am Geronimo Stilton!” he helpfully points out to the reader. Oddly, as soon as he gets up to the window of his office, everyone recognizes him. Perhaps this is why they don’t paint names on the windows of people’s offices any more.

Turns out that Stilton, in his long quest to become New Mouse City (I wish I was making that up)’s biggest fuckup, basically turned the phonebook into a reference as accurate as the TVTropes page for YouTube Poop. As he gazes down at the angry throngs torching his phonebooks, he begins to receive angry phone calls and faxes. Presumably, the one correct phone number in that phonebook was the one for his own office. Nice going, Geronimo Stilton!

He finally gets so afraid of dealing with the consequences of his fuckuppery that he manages to persuade Trap and Thea and Benjamin into going full Styx and sailing away. Make that flying away, as he somehow learned to operate a hot-air balloon. Off they fly for the Fuckup Islands, presumably to visit the rest of the Stilton kin.

But then, out of the clear blue sky, come CANNONBALLS! Right through the fabric of the hot air balloon! And just like that, the plot advances as subtly as Hulk Hogan going bowling.

The crew somehow float on over to the ship from whence the cannonballs flew, which is manned by CATS. The rodent equivalent of the Darwin Awards is on the horizon for Geronimo and company. But don’t worry, dear reader, they are anthropomorphic cats, and so they take them onto the ship because they are pirates. Spouting cat puns all the way, the mice are somehow not eaten in favor of…snails. Not anthropomorphic snails. Just regular snails. God only knows where they come from, probably the snail black market.

Twenty-five pages in, we finally meet the villain. He is a cat called the Black Bandit, due to the fact that he is a bandit who dresses in black. No pussyfooting (ha ha!) around with the naming conventions. Lest the reader get the impression that Geronimo Stilton is good for anything, he promptly bullshits that they left Mouse Island (again, really) due to a disease outbreak. The Bandit responds by sending them off to be killed and eaten. Clearly disease prevention is not a strong suit among cats. Anyway, due to Thea implying potential sexual favors towards the cook in order to avoid being killed, they stay in a jail cell for a bit.

Benjamin, who has not learned yet of the Stilton family tradition to be a complete moron in all aspects of life, devises a plan to escape that involves filing through the bars of their cell. Geronimo and Thea decide to cover up the noise by singing. For once, it works. Incidentally, this comes as more of a surprise to most readers than, say, the initial capture by the cat clan.

As nighttime falls, Geronimo Stilton, Mouse Of Action, discovers a plan of the ship conveniently engraved on the cell wall. “Slimy Swiss Balls!” he exclaims. He writes it down in the diary that the cat jailer somehow allowed him to retain. These are not smart cats.

In possibly the world’s most anticlimactic escape scene, the mice escape the tower.

Geronimo, to his credit, devises a nifty little plan to get the cats off the ship. He explains that the all-metal ship is so hot that it is burning up, and so all they need to commandeer the ship is a fire. What he doesn’t take into account is the fact that this makes NO FUCKING SENSE, because metal is NOT FLAMMABLE, and it doesn’t BURN, it MELTS, holy shit you’re an UTTER MORON.

Then, in a direct violation of thermodynamics, the ship catches fire and the cats jump overboard and just like that, the mice have a ship that they have no idea how to control. Slimy Swiss Balls! How they didn’t burn up is left to the imagination of the reader.

I’ll leave this quote here. “I climbed into bed, avoiding the rug. It was made of soft gray fur. It might have been mouse fur. I tried not to think about it, but it was hard. I could almost hear that poor rug squeak!” What the fuck, Geronimo Stilton.

Of course, being a pirate ship, there is treasure on it. Geronimo finds an old coin. Thea and Trap and Benjamin find treasure. Slimy Swiss Balls!

Having somehow steered the ship on course, the failure-prone foursome arrive back in New Long Mouse York City Island or whatever. Again, let me emphasize that the entire point of this little voyage was to avoid a career-ending fuckup. Less than a week later, G-Stil and his companions are given a hero’s welcome. The ship is turned into a pizza parlor and the spoils of the ship are used to buy other stuff.

How does it compare to Master Harold…and the Boys? It doesn’t at all. For one thing, it’s not written by Athol Fugard and is about mice. It’s also not set in South Africa, only mentions dancing once and takes place in a single-race vacuum of Mouse People.

The moral of the story is: running (or flying, or sailing) away from your problems will make them better, no matter how badly you’ve botched things.

Harvestman’s Rating: 3 slimy swiss balls out of 10

I don't get it, why is ibEconomy so godawful? I just went on a performance binge this afternoon and 95% of all the issues were from this stupid application. All these choices these guys made just scratches my head so much, I don't even understand.

First off, ibEconomy is the application we use for the shop and points. Caught up? Good.

While, scouring the site for slow pages, I came across the point shop tab on profile pages. On it, there were two slow queries taking more than 0.1 seconds to execute. Following one of them was a cache refresh of 66kB of data. Strangely, this was being refreshed every single time, so I was assuming the cache, for some reason, was incorrectly assuming the data did not exist in cache and was adding it. But no, that wasn't even the case, right in the middle of the code, with no checks, this function is called

#make sure we have item cache
$this->registry->ecoclass->acm( array('banks', 'stocks', 'lts', 'ccs', 'shopitems') );

I mean, sure the comment makes sense, it's good to have cache before you try to access it, and going by the comment, you would think this function would check for cache, and if the data doesn't exist, create it. However, what acm does, is a straight up recache. Doesn't matter if you already have the data cached, you're going to recalculate it by using very expensive queries. I mean, what? What's the goddamn point of using cache if you're going to recache it every single time you load the page? We aren't even changing any data in this, we're just grabbing it. You know what should've been done? Don't even call this, if the cache is empty, it's empty. I'm assuming this was a result of some bug where the cache didn't exist, but the fix is not to recache everything!

#make sure we have item cache
$cacheTypes = array('banks', 'stocks', 'lts', 'ccs', 'shopitems') ;

foreach($cacheTypes as $type)
{
    if(!isset($this->cache['ibEco_' . $type]))
        $this->registry->ecoclass->acm( $type );
}

There, now it won't recache unless we don't have the data in cache. I'm sorry, I guess 5 lines is not as efficient or cool-looking as 1 line.

Now if that wasn't bad, which is it, this next thing just baffles me on two levels. The next slow query I saw was returning over 6000 rows, one for each member in order of who has the most points. This confused me because the point shop page doesn't even show you what you're rank is. So I found this lovely bit of code

#awfully big query just to grab 1 number (rank)
$member['eco_rank'] = $this->registry->mysql_ibEconomy->rankMembers( ($this->settings['eco_worth_on']) ? 'eco_worth' : 'points', $member['member_id'] );

Oh good, they know they suck and instead of trying to find a better solution, they left it in. To be fair, MySQL does not have window functions (despite being in the SQL standard since 2003) which would have made this easier, but seriously querying AND returning all members every single time you want to see your rank? Here's something! You have the person's points cached and loaded already. Use it in the query! Grab a count of people who have points more than you, and then, get this, add 1. You did it! You got the rank of a single person! You didn't waste any resources scanning every single member! But that's not the best part. $member['eco_rank'] is not used ANYWHERE after it's set. Seriously, I traced every bit of ibEconomy's code that was called after setting the rank, nothing mentioning the rank. Good job, you're incredibly incompetent.

So, here's my fix

#awfully big query just to grab 1 number (rank)
//$member['eco_rank'] = $this->registry->mysql_ibEconomy->rankMembers( ($this->settings['eco_worth_on']) ? 'eco_worth' : 'points', $member['member_id'] );
		

Doing both fixes cut the execution time down from 2 seconds to 0.5 seconds. Not only that, the cache isn't being regenerated every single time someone is trying to view their points, but rather when something changes (you know, when it makes sense to).

Sorry for being extremely bitter about this, but I'm just baffled this got into their final product, these aren't even difficult problems to solve. I'm afraid how they'll handle their update once IP.Board 4.0 comes out, everything has to be rewritten for it and ibEconomy isn't a small application; it has way more features than what we use it for. We'll see how it goes, but I can say with more certainty that this application isn't going on my "must wait for update before moving to 4.0" list.

Ever since I saw some previews of this game, I've been dying to check it out. When I heard it was also coming out on the 3DS, I was even more ecstatic! When I went to the event known as SmashFest (a one-day event that took place at specific Best Buy locations where you could try the game well before it is to release), I got to try the game myself. Though I wasn't exactly a fan of having to use the Wii U Pro controller instead of the good, old GameCube controller, I still look forward to this game's release sometime around Christmas 2014 for the Wii U version and on October 3rd, 2014 for the 3DS version.

I've always wondered why Nintendo never thought about a portable version of the Super Smash Brothers game before until they came around to making this. Guess I can't say they haven't thought about it anymore, can I? I am, without a doubt, stoked to see Nintendo making a version of this game for the 3DS that appears to be just about as good as the Wii U version.

There are a ton of characters to pick and choose from in this game. There's anyone and everyone from Mario and Luigi to Little Mac from Punch-Out!, your own Mii characters and the female Wii Fit trainer from (well, what else?) the Wii Fit series! I'll admit that I think some of the character choices are a bit lame, such as the female Wii Fit trainer, but I could most certainly be wrong on the character's moves.

The courses to pick and choose from are great, though some have very distracting backgrounds from the course itself actually moving while you're trying to battle your opponents. That can be a heck of a distraction and make gameplay more difficult.

Since I'm fully accustomed to playing the game with a GameCube controller, trying out the Wii U Pro controller due to it being our only option was a challenge for me since I'm not used to the button layout or just about anything with the controller. I'm sure Nintendo will allow many different controller types to be used during gameplay with this: probably just about anything from the GameCube controller to the Wii Classic controller to the Wii U Pro controller (of course).

All in all, this game looks to be a (*chuckles*) smash hit. The game appears to be a great addition to the Smash Brothers series in addition to a wonderful addition to the catalog of games for the Wii U and 3DS systems. I'll most definitely be getting a copy of the 3DS version once it comes out, and (if you want) you're welcome to battle me online.

I found this Tumblr post called "Our World Is Surreal" that I made a while ago. While it may be outright silly, there's something about it that I really like about it. Dunno, it's like some bizarre, possibly naive charm that it holds. For your reading pleasure, here it is.

Note: I’m aware that what I’m about to type is the type of analysis that attempts to sound as if its message is something new when it could just be a rewording of something that is already battered to the ground time and time again. I simply just wanted to get to talking.

It is already evident that when you listen to music that you like, it brings about an euphoric feeling of self-realization and gets your mind to flow with multiple emotions and thoughts that perhaps will get you to create something of your own. Music is a medium that regardless of being something that you can not see, you definitely feel its presence. You know that when you hear good music, it changes you, it starts to define more of you. I have always been a person that has enjoyed music, and it was only later on in my life that I have understood the grander beauty that music has to offer. I appreciate various genres of music, and find that my favorite tunes invoke a clear picture in my head that I would like to be able to share with others. Lately though, I have found that certain types of music have tangled themselves into my mind to the point that my perception of the world around me has changed.

The sort of music I talk about is hard to really explain genre-wise since I don’t know exactly what this is specifically classified as. All I know is that it is avant-garde electronic music that may use select samples in a specific way to create this feeling of being lost in an enchanted forest. Songs like Flying Lotus’s Zodiac Shit and Odesza’s How Did I Get Here manage to trigger a surreal sensation when you hear them. You start to wish that everything you saw right now acted like a Dali painting, as you would venture into some akin to the subconcious of a drug addict who frequently consumes LSD. They also give off a spiritual vibe that trip-hop artists like Nujabes or Pogo give off, but crank it up to a level where you’re expecting the laws of reality to crumble away. Keep in mind that while the images you conjure from listening to this songs are purely fantasy, the undertone of spirituality remains constant.

Spirituality is an important part of who I am as a person. Mostly this comes from my upbringing, since I was born a Catholic. Slowly my connection to religion disintegrated and vanished away, to a point where it was not much of a concern anymore. It was a part of me, but it did not define me. It did not help that I was seeing the other side of the coin where these fundamental ideas that I grew up with were being challenged with a more realistic view. Yet I was always told that “understanding religion is based on faith”. Once I started to construct my own view on the world, the question of faith came up once again. I pondered the question of if there was such a thing as God for a long while. I knew that there was a lot of facts that rejected such the idea to be possible. Then it hit me. We are a very small part of the grand world we live in. That world is a small part of an even larger world that exists. How can we be so certain that there is not something outside from our point of reach? Perhaps the idea of God existing is not a ludicrous one, but perhaps the perception of it is a little more different.

After realizing this, the next part was to explain to myself why I thought this. I knew that I could not base it on actual evidence, so I had to fall to the idea of faith. Did I still have enough faith to assure myself that there was an omnipotent being that create the world? As you would imagine, the answer was yes. I would then ask myself why do I still have faith. The way I see it the world around us is surreal on its own. While our imaginations are vast and can create wonderful works of art, the world is a natural masterpiece. Think about it, the world created tastes, smells, sounds, senses and sights that we can not even dream about creating. Every creation that we have made has derived from a multiple array of different aspects of the world. The world itself created every single one of these aspects from scratch. A human is unable to imagine a new color because we do not know how that’s even possible. Sure, we could say that something looks like a combination of different colors, but that’s not the same as magically conjuring up the color red without any other color being remotely similar to another. In essence, nature is God’s painting.
While we can not create something so magnificent as a new color, there are still achievements that come from our own design. Watches, computers, music players, buildings, weapons and more have been passed down from generation to generation, with the original inventor being the breakthrough to a new way of living. We continue to evolve as the years go by, for better or for worse. The grander miracle of life and the human experience though becomes commonplace that we don’t act in awe over something so simple as being able to fly from one place to the other. Yet, at some points I find myself enjoying the simpler things in life. Finding a certain angle to take a picture of a building makes me admire the shape of the structure, even though it’s relatively common. Seeing fog envelop a city skyline at a distance could make you feel anything from intrigued to helpless. Even something so arbitrary as a pair of dice can get me wondering about how this world is built.

With all this said, I still know that the world harbors people who are ignorant, immoral, manipulative, insane and/or desensitized. I know that there is still a lot about this world that I will never understand until I die. I understand why people act cynical, misanthropic or nihilistic. Sometimes I even am one of those three, whether I have good reason to be or not. Yet, I always know that there is this third eye in my mind that is opened up to seeing something beyond the confines of this world. That for every step back, there is a step forward. I hope that as the years go by that I still everything around me with a surreal beauty that the music that I’ve listened to could offer.

As you all know (undoubtedly because I've pounded it into your skull with all my posts and profile customizations), I really love classic video games, especially arcade games. Unfortunately, arcades have really lost popularity due to the prevalence of home video game consoles with graphics equivalent or better than their coin-op equivalents. Because of that, most arcades around America have closed their doors due to lack of business, leaving very few good ones around. I've decided for partly historical purposes to archive and rate descriptions of all the arcades I can come across. Now is especially a good time as any, given my vacation is next weekend, giving plenty of chances to visit locations new to me.

I'll try to write down all my observations about the locations I visit, including lists of notable games, pictures of the layout, and general opinions on the quality and maintenance conditions of the machines.

Here is a breakdown of my rating standards for the critique categories:

Fun value (machine variety, amount of machines, condition, and quality:)

1 star "Complete crap": A very sparse collection of machines, with little to no entertainment value, either due to lack of maintenance, prevalence of redemption machines instead of entertainment ones, or other reasons.These kinds of places aren't really worth the trip in the end. Unlikely to have classic machines or pinball tables due to their higher maintenance demands.

2 stars "Pretty bad": A lower-quality assortment of games, lacking anything significantly interesting or well-maintained worth playing. These places aren't recommended, but could still be a bit fun for those with lower expectations. These arcades may have classics and pinball tables, but don't expect them to be in terribly good condition.

3 stars "Not bad": A nice collection of fun games, boasting a decent amount of variety in their genres. If you're in the area of this arcade, it's worth a visit. These arcades are more likely to have classics and pinball tables, although they may be in a bit of disrepair compared to higher-rated arcades.

4 stars "Great": A very good assortment of fun games, covering quite a few types of genres and themes. When you're in the mood for a game, these are prime material. If these arcades have pinball or classics, expect them to be in good shape.

5 stars "Awesome": A excellent amount of variety in all the games, with obvious care put into their maintenance and upkeep. These arcades are pretty likely to have classic games and pinball tables, spanning both popular titles and possibly more obscure games, all in good repair.

Hospitality (facility conditions, game organization, and staff helpfulness):

1 star "Unprofessional": An unclean atmosphere, inexperienced or practically nonexistent staff who won't be able to help with malfunctioning games, and sloppy organization of games and other related items.

2 stars "Bad": Slightly dingy facilities and atmosphere, attendants with little training in maintenance , and rather strange game organization.

3 stars "Ok": Nothing special, but not a disaster either. Expect attendants to be reasonably helpful, but don't count on them to be able to fix it right away if you get a pinball stuck or something. Organization of games is decently thought out, but a little clumsy at times.

4 stars "Welcoming": Helpful and knowledgeable staff, clean facilities and sensible organization, possibly divided into eras or genres.

5 stars "Very hospitable": Smart staff capable of fixing problems quickly, very clean conditions, and well-thought out machine organization.

Final rank (pretty much my general opinion of the location, taking into account the other factors):

1 star: Don't bother going to this location.

2 stars: Unless you're in very close proximity and just have to play a game, there are much better places to visit.

3 stars: You could probably find better places, but this is worth a try if you're in the area.

4 stars: This arcade is an excellent choice for those looking for a game. If you're looking for some games, and it's nearby, don't pass it up.

5 stars: This place is worth visiting alone, either for the quantity and variety of the games, or for any historical machines they may have.These locations are a destination in themselves for many arcade lovers.

Anyways, if there are any issues in my system, please tell me. I hope to begin writing about locations soon. If you're interested, be sure to check back when I make a new entry!

Not sure if this would be fitting in this kinda thing, but this is big news for me, so I'll put it down. On Tuesday, July 22nd, I'll be flying from my home area in the Midwestern United States to Florida to stay down there for just under a week. Part of the big reason we (as in me and my brother who is fellow YouChew user BUHL and some other family members) is because it will be my dad's birthday this week.

I'll be sure to bring my laptop with me so I can keep up to date on stuff (including on here, of course).

Boy, this is certainly becoming more and more like a personal blog that would be more fitting on Blogspot or a YouTube vlog. I'll just stop now before this gets any worse.

WARNING: Some spoilers ahead!

In 1964, Italian filmmaker Sergio Leone (1929-1989) directed the film A Fistful of Dollars, the first in a trilogy known as the "Dollars/Man With No Name" saga starring Clint Eastwood, fresh off the western-themed television series Rawhide. This picture was one of a kind, as it brought the Italian spaghetti western to the mainstream in America when it was released in theaters under United Artists, the same studio that produces the James Bond and Pink Panther movies. The film followed the Man With No Name, portrayed by Eastwood, playing two rival sanctions like a fiddle in a small, ghost-like town in order to bring justice back to the people.

Films like this back in the 1960s were controversial for the time due to their heavy use of violence, which to this day is pretty tame compared to today's films, despite the picture still retaining the R-rating. It also contributed to the then on-going debate on what a real western is, similar to how film director Fred Zimmerman made a contribution called High Noon in 1951, in which there is only one shootout scene in the entire picture. In the end, the combination of Leone's direction and cinematography, the music of expert musician and composer Ennio Morricone, and Clint Eastwood's portrayal of the unnamed protagonist made Fistful a staple of the Western genre.

It would then be followed by the 2nd film in the trilogy, entitled For a Few Dollars More in 1965. Unlike Fistful, which was around 90 minutes in runtime, Few Dollars ran for approx. 2 hours, and it was more epic and action-packed than the last film. In this installment, the man, once again played by Eastwood, teams up with a retired Spanish army colonel named Douglas Mortimer, portrayed by Western legend Lee Van Cleef, to catch the most notorious, cold-blooded bandit in the West, named El Indio, played by Gian Maria Volante, whose reward for capture was a staggering $10,000, including various amounts for the rest of his men. The movie, similar to Fistful, became a hit with many audiences, despite the dismissal of numerous film critics at the time, including then-newcomer Roger Ebert, who would later come to respect movies like this as his career went on. Today, the film is considered a classic and one of the greatest Westerns ever made.

Since the saga was a trilogy, however, the series would have to end with a big bang, and that's exactly what happened. In 1966, Sergio Leone made his magnum opus The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, a 2-and-a-half hour western of epic proportions. In fact, just calling the film "epic" would be an understatement. When I watched it for the first time on DVD, I was instantly hooked, and I hailed it as one of the greatest motion pictures ever made. Today, I still do, and I wasn't alone when I thought that. On IMDB, it's ranked in the top 10 of the greatest films of all time amongst the user consensus. Critics past and present have also praised it, and those that dismissed Italian westerns in the past rethought about these types of films and what kind of an impact they hold in cultural society. In my opinion, this is a flawless, perfect movie. If the movies were actual people, this would be the movie that would look at past westerns and go "Pshaw. I could make that more badass. Stand back you pansies. Let me show you how it's done." No disrespect to those classic westerns out there, mind you, but in all seriousness, this movie represents the true spirit of the western genre with flying colors.



The movie first shows us who's the "good", who's the "bad", and who's the downright "ugly". Starting with the "ugly", we have the no-good bandit Tuco (played by Eli Wallach), who is constantly on the run with a bounty on his head, and every bounty hunter known to man is after him. Then, we have the "bad", who is the hired hit man Angel Eyes (played by Lee Van Cleef), who gets paid to hunt down and murder certain people who "forgot" to pay their debts, or are hunted for revenge. He'll also take anyone's money, even from his victims, and see his job through no matter what. Lastly, we have the "good", who is the Man with No Name (once again, played by Clint Eastwood), who in this picture is called Blondie. He's a bounty hunter always looking for his targets for the sake of earning an honest living, as we have seen in the previous movies.

As the film proceeds, there are good reason why each of these characters are labeled as such. We see each of their exploits in their first third of the film until they come across rumors going around that a cashbox of $200,000 in gold coins was buried in a grave by a Confederate soldier named Bill Carson. Blondie and Tuco encounter the dying man while going through the scorching desert, finding out that the rumors are indeed true. Carson, in his final moments, tells both Blondie and Tuco half of where the cashbox is. Tuco knkows the location of the cemetery, and Blondie knows the grave the cashbox is hidden under, and not one of them is telling. Angel Eyes also knows about the cashbox from one of his victims, and he too is searching, even going undercover as a Yankee general. This becomes a race to find the cashbox and claim the $200,000 up for grabs, and not even the American civil war between the Yankees and the Confederacy will stop them from getting to their destination.



Right as the film starts, we are welcomed with a fitting opening theme and a well-crafted title sequence containing the shots of our main characters and stills of the movie we are about to see revealed with paintbrush and sand grain effects, mostly shots of the civil war segments. We are then opened up with shots of a bounty hunter staring blankly into the camera, followed with a cleverly wide shot of the abandoned town where Tuco is hiding. This brings up one of the highlights of the picture: the cinematography. Director Sergio Leone uses the camera angles and longshots he utilized in the two previous films in the saga and kicks it up a notch, from the large deserts to the battlegrounds where the Confederacy and Yankee forces do battle.



There is one scene in particular near the end of the picture in which the three main characters stare at each other in the middle of the cemetery in a stand-off. We see the trio spread apart slowly in a giant flat circular area in the middle of the cemetery that looks like it was made specifically for this event, accompanied by the triumphant musical score by Academy Award nominee Ennio Morricone. This, combined with the overhead shot of the cemetery circle, the eyes of the characters, their hands near their guns, and their poses come together like bread and butter, making it one of the most iconic scenes in motion picture history since the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, which was made 6 years prior.



The film's iconic music is also a highlight. Composer Ennio Morricone, who has composed the music for the previous films, as well as numerous other spaghetti westerns, creates a sweeping score that sets the tone in every scene, from the most sinister moments to the hauntingly beautiful. The main theme alone gives the whole western genre its identity, thanks to its hauntingly iconic vocals, harmonica, flutes, trumpets, and drums. If I were to hear this music in concert performed by an actual orchestra, I would do nothing but stand up and proudly clap my hands in a standing ovation. There's just nothing else I can describe the music. It speaks for itself.

Lastly, what really holds the film together, besides the music and cinematography, are the films three main characters: Blondie (Man with No Name), Angel Eyes, and Tuco. All three of them create the ultimate case of rivalry, as each of them has their eyes on the same goal, and they are willing to go through hell and back to get their hands on the prize, even if they hate each other's guts with a passion or encounter the horrors of the American civil war, torture, and even betrayal, all for $200,000 in gold coins.

The movie is much more than a masterpiece. It's a fucking powerhouse. Not since the likes of Shane and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance has a western had me on the edge of my seat and hooked the entire way through. Director Sergio Leone was not the kind of guy that would make bullshit for the sake of earning a quick buck. He was a visionary in his own right, and he treated filmmaking as a true artistic medium. The silver screen was his canvas, and the camera was his brush. In my opinion, it represents what makes a movie epic through its imagery, music, story, and characters. A fitting end to an iconic trilogy. In my opinion, it is arguably the best western ever made in general, and it's one of my most favorite motion pictures of all time.

I loved Steel Panther from the first moment I heard/saw them. They are an extremely raunchy comedy/hair metal band that manages to be hilarious and catchy in a way few bands do. Most of their songs are dirty novelty songs but their strong musicianship transcends the novelty aspect. They are indeed very talented musicians who could easily succeed without the comedy act, but the comedy is what really sets them apart from other bands. Their live shows are consistently very well received. They are also known for their off the wall, dirty and absurd music videos reminiscent of 80s hair metal but taken to an extreme that few have ever gone before.

It's also awesome that these guys are over the hill and their band came out in the 2000s but they still dress like hair metal rock stars of the 1980s. In fact, their sense of fashion and the visual aspect of the bands videos is one of their greatest strengths. Unfortunately, their videos are pretty much all super raunchy so I don't think this is an appropriate place for me to post them. Not only do they have a ton of music videos on youtube, they also do weekly segments such as 'Science Panther' where the guys from steel panther give horribly inaccurate scientific information.

All You Can Eat is the fourth album from Steel Panther and it was released on April 1st,, 2014. They released the video for the first single 'Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the Word' months before the album in order to generate awareness. I loved the song and the video from day one so I was eagerly anticipating this album.

Upon release, I had somewhat mixed feelings about the album. Some of the songs are nothing more than silly novelty songs to listen to once in a blue moon. However, a few songs on the album are among the best the band has ever recorded. Not to mention, all three music videos they have released from the album thus far have been amazing. 'Glory Hole' is probably the filthiest music video I've ever seen, but it's also incredibly fearless, hilarious, well shot and it really encapsulates the band and the song perfectly. The main single/first video from the album 'Party Like It's the End of the World', is the most straight forward song on the album and doesnt come off as a novelty at all. It's just a fun song and video that reminds us all to live life to its fullest. The second single off the album 'The Burden of Being Wonderful' is also much more of a typical rock song and less of a novelty. The video for Burden of Being Wonderful is funny but I also like the message that it's who you feel like you are inside that matters much more than what you look like on the outside etc.

As for the non-singles off the album, I wasn't all that impressed. '10 Strikes Your Out' is catchy but the rest of the non-singles are either raunchy novelties or just some of the bands weaker songs. All You Can Eat is diverse and somewhat progressive for the band, but it's not as consistent as their last two albums. Overall, I'd give the album an A- because it really is a nice addition to Steel Panther's discography and the videos are great but some songs are much stronger than others.

Their other two great albums 'Balls Out' and 'Feel the Steel' are a bit more consistent but both have a few songs that are pure novelty raunchyness. I feel that new 'fanthers' of Steel Panther would be better off listening to Feel the Steel and Balls Out before checking out 'All You Can Eat' but all three are great and their music videos are unparalleled in their raunchy hilarity. Just be aware that their videos are definitely not for kids and in fact would have difficulty ever being shown on tv, even after midnight.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is perhaps one of the weirdest things to come out on TV. Sure cartoons are known for their bizarre nature, but they are usually kept rooted by their narrative or demographic. Aqua Teen, on the other hand, loosely ties everything together to revel in a modernization of absurdity which I like to call neosurrealism. This particular brand of neosurrealism is a by-product of channel surfing, stoner comedy, and every single non-sequitor in Western animation to date mixed in with a urban and contemporary paint-job. It follows the story of a mostly noble box of fries (Frylock), a total jerk of a milkshake (Master Shake) and a child-like meatball (Meatwad) who get themselves and their seemingly only neighbor: a misogynistic, perverted, sports-obsessed boozehound (Carl), into all sorts of madness. The heroes are incompetent and the villains are more treated as annoyances or delinquents. The show is a continuity defiler, as inconsistencies run rampant, especially since it starts with a cold open involving Dr. Weird, a nucking futs scientists and his assistant, Steve. Recently they've gotten to the habit of changing the title of the show, as well as the opening, but whatever you see in the opening will not reflect at all what you are about to witness. And to top it all off, it's as cheap as a Hanna-Barbara production. But by god, it was the first stepping stone in creating the [as] that we know today and it's just a ton of fun. So I've decided to count down my favorite 20 episodes. Why 20? Because the show would stop at 100 but since they go for half the time, I have to count 20. SO LET'S GET THIS BALL ROLLING.

20. Chicken And Beans



Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1 had already come by to show the shift in style that the show had gone with, which really only amount to a better use of animation allowing for some interesting set-pieces and gimmicks to emerge. Aqua Something You Know Whatever was no different, but it had quite a hilarious selection. This one is certainly no different. Meatwad becomes a musician and invites Carl to a gig in which he sings a song about chicken and beans being his favorite dish. Carl only comes for the beer that Frylock can pay for with the credit card, but Meatwad is at least happy he got someone invested. At the gig, Master Shake tries to make Meatwad choke when singing the song which prompts Meatwad to puke over Carl out of nervousness, making him feel like he blew his chance at being a big shot. Being the tactful friend that he is, Master Shake shows Meatwad a video he posted online of the botched gig, but then it's revealed that the views are astronomical. Meatwad becomes a complete sensation which prompts his ego to elevate itself and causes Master Shake to try and out-do him with a cover of Big City Nights called Bruschetta Nights.

One thing that makes the episode is the songs that are played throughout. Chicken And Beans is pretty much a mockery of white-guy-on-acoustic-guitar songs which only end up getting big for their sound rather than their content. Bruschetta Nights is equally as absurd but Master Shake tries so desperately to become a big hit with the constant exposure of it. The first gig is a great part as you have Carl shouting compliments simply because he's getting alcohol out of the deal, Meatwad talking about a dream and Master Shake jeering Meatwad and coming up with quips when Frylock tells him to stop. Meatwad's egotistical attitude is great as well because it still keeps his character's maturity in check but elevates the jerkiness that he rarely ever plays. It's even better when he gets confronted by Frylock as he eventually reverts back to his old self.

19. The Last One



As previously mentioned, the villains in the show are a complete joke or simply inconveniences in the lives of the Aqua Teens. The Last One makes full awareness of this fact as the Mooninites (probably the most famous characters in the show aside from the main four) try to round up a plethora of antagonists so that they can come up with a plan to destroy the Aqua Teens. Most of the characters were pests to the Aqua Teens or to Carl but a few of them were just people that the Aqua Teens ended up "helping". To say it centers on their plan to bore a single screw into the Aqua Teens' heads (literally, they only have one screw which they dub THE SCREW OF DAMNATION) is about as laughable as their organization. While the Moonitites call themselves the leader, they generally muck about doing pointless tasks and attacking people for arbitrary reasons. They name themselves after the days of the week spouted by a giant robot rabbit aptly named Rabbot, and end up adopting a highway before they proceed with their plan. The way that all the characters bounce off each other with their attitudes makes for a wonderful clusterfuck and the anti-climax becomes all the more reasonable and hilarious as a result. As for the Aqua Teens, you only see them at the end but when they come across the leau

18. Bible Fruit



The show is weird, that's indisputable, but what becomes weirder is when they venture into a darker kind of territory in a somewhat straight fashion. Granted the show is all about blood, explosions, and crassness but at times it tries to get to get you with some uncomfortable laughs. Luckily the scenarios become so over-the-top and nonsensical with the choices placed that you can set it aside. Still, with that said, this episode was probably one of the only times I felt weird in an uncomfortable way. The episode centers around Frylock meeting with a group of born-again Christian fruits who hang out at his place. The leader of the religious group, Bert Banana, is a repressed alcoholic, drug and sex addict and domestic abuser who has a fiancee named Tammy Tangerine and a friend named Mortimer Mango. Bert is the showstealer, switching from a chirpy, faith-heavy Good Samaritan to a vile, paranoid monster. The whole situation is played for laughs and it's made well by how quick the shifts in attitude are as well as how the cracks of the persona fall down to cause havoc in the house. But the things that Bert ends up shouting and the way he treats his fiancee could very well be in a well done second-rate domestic thriller. By far the best part is just how Frylock manages to slink his way out of the situation and tricks the fruits with Master Shake as a distraction.

17. Last Dance For Napkin Lad



One thing that I was hoping to see from the reincarnations of the Aqua Teen was episodes that would semi-reflect the title. I know, how absurd of me to expect that in a show that pretty much doesn't follow itself from the start. But Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1 was nice enough to give me this as a sign that it was thinking about the idea. The title opening is one of the best with the Aqua Teens being these badass cops that stop the previous bad guys to a rocking theme and some wonderful renditions of the characters in a better art style. Hell, if I wanted to ask for more it would be episodes that had the animation of the opening with it. But that's beside the point. The episode in question deals with the Master Shake and Meatwad being criminals, Frylock being a double-agent and Carl being a spy who has been tracking the Aqua Teens down to try and arrest the other two. Master Shake goes under the name Flint, Meatwad's Ryan and Carl is the alias of Lars, who in reality, doesn't wear a moustache. The whole confrontation deals with the execution of a "Napkin Lad" who causes Frylock to become entangled in a mess with Ryan and Flint.

Okay so maybe it's not the same premise as the opening but the action-packed nature is still there. It plays off as if it were an intense thriller with better animation gimmicks and all these twists and turns but they still keep to their tone by making nothing add up in the end. You end up asking a lot of questions that you shouldn't ask and you just have to be taken in for the ride. A ride that involves noodle soup recipes and flying submarine cars.

16. Hands On A Hamburger/Dickiesode



It's hard for me to pick which one of these episodes was the better episode to include one of my favorite characters on the show, Dr. Wongburger. For those of you unaware, Dr. Wongburger is a reasonably-educated and incredibly eccentric freak who becomes obsessed with the very thing he takes form of and changes his body constantly much to the chagrin of his family. His debut episode, Dickiesode, involved him running a restaurant where if you pulled the bottom of the cup, you had a chance of either winning fabulous prizes or getting your dick ripped off for his dick ship. That episode does one of the funniest and most suspenseful introductions to a villain and is actually a substantial threat when it comes to Aqua Teen enemies. The rest of the episode deals with Carl becoming a woman and then the Aqua Teens trying to get the dick back, both of which lead to some wonderful moments, but it's Dr. Wongburger who steals the show. Voiced by Tommy Blancha, Dr. Wongburger spouts such great lines as "I have an advanced dickgree in dicknology" and "They crave dick, as we all do" with a deep and disturbing voice that makes them all the more amusing. His minions are also a riot as they abide the mad man's demands.

Hands On A Hamburger on the other hand, mostly revolves around a contest where the last person to have their hand on a giant hamburger gets to keep the thing. Master Shake does his best to get everyone around him out of the game, all with hilarious tactics. Probably my favorite ones are when he gets a little child out by having them count on their fingers, trying to give another guy a handjob, and lighting someone's hand on fire. When it comes down to him and Frylock, he goes full throttle with the tactics which seem to get him nowhere as the seasons turn. It almost becomes futile for the battle to go on as the burger decomposes, but Master Shake is still hesistant. You eventually get the reveal of Dr. Wongburger when Master Shake leaves but not without his hand stuck on the burger. This makes Dr. Wongburger less of a crazy villain and more of a crazy man in general. While he's not as prominent as his debut, the episode still makes his appearance a complete riot. (Also if you're wondering why I didn't put The Creature From Plaque Lagoon it's because I don't think it was as great as these two)

15. Rocket Horse And Jet-Chicken



This is probably one of the only episodes, if not the only episode where there is a different animation style completely throughout the episode. And in keeping with the wonderful craftsmanship of the show, it's done a la kids' drawings. The episode centers around Meatwad meeting Rocket Horse and Jet Chicken, a washed up crime-fighting duo that take signatures at a car dealership. Rocket Horse has no positive words to say about his co-star and Jet Chicken is disgruntled by an operation done by a doctor who already warned him that he was drunk during the ordeal and that he was still forced to do the deed. The whole episode has a bit of an injokey feel as it seems as these characters that Meatwad comes across already have something established in a sense, but it's so much on the surface that you eventually ignore. What you can't ignore is George Lowe playing as Jet Chicken since he really captures that degenerate, disgruntled attitude that comes with someone that really doesn't care much for their craft...whatever it is. The whole experience passes off as a sloppy slippery slope which Meatwad's innocence doesn't seem to register and Rocket Horse plays a great straight-man to the maltempered Jet Chicken.

14. The South Bronx Paradise Diet



Here we have a simple sitcom-like plotline: Carl and Meatwad are locked in a duel to see who can lose more weight, with Frylock betting to buy Carl a case of his favorite beer if Carl wins. A basic premise like this gets a very interesting turn when it turns out that Carl is losing weight with a special candy bar that ends up being parasites that turn him into an anorexic insect-like being and Master Shake is doing everything in his power to sabotage Meatwad's chances by playing to his weak will power. Meatwad is wonderfully inept at following through with the workout and makes a really good remark about how all the good food ends up not being good enough for you which many can sympathize with. It also gives a glimpse to Carl's psychology regarding working out in the sense that there's really no point in doing so if you're going to die anyways (that eventually becomes this gem of a video.). Really though, it's a very simple premise with some different takes that one has to see in order to truly enjoy it.

13. Revenge Of The Trees



If there's one thing that this show does really well is being able to escalate the absurdity of a situation as the episode goes on. With Revenge Of The Trees, not only does that happen, but the second half truly becomes the icing on the cake. The Aqua Teens have a Labor Day BBQ, with Master Shake opting to flash-fry an entire cow filled with all sorts of fattening junk in a giant fryer. After Labor Day is over, the oil is left outside the Aqua Teens' house to rot and Frylock demands that Master Shake take it to the proper recycling facilities. With the help of Carl, they dump the oil in the woods which then prompts Carl to get in trouble and Master Shake to be summoned twice to Wood Court. Wood Court is another prime example of their brand of a comedy of errors as the system is completely broken and biased and tries so very hard to properly incriminate Master Shake but fails completely miserably. The trees constantly yell how Master Shake is guilty and should be sent to Tree Jail or killed, using Carl's skin as notes but not really having anything properly down when the time comes for it. And crazier yet, their laws are written in a book which is made of trees which is exactly what the whole court is against. It is incredibly accurate to say they are out of order, much in the same way that an elevator is. The only difference being is that there's a lot more laughing and you don't have to be afraid that you might have to end up shitting in a corner if the elevator doesn't descend/ascend with you in it.

12. Space Conflict From Beyond Pluto



I'll be the first to say that I'm not that much of a fan of the Plutonians as much as everyone else is. That's not to say that they aren't really funny when they can be because if such were the case then I wouldn't have put this episode on here. I guess I only say that in comparison with the other space-based characters that are recognized in the show. As it stands though, their introductory episode is great filled with such bits as grilling watermelons, "one man's waste is another man's soap" and Master Shake entering a horse's anus and liking it. The chemistry between Emory and Oglethorpe is a great one as you have Oglethorpe being head-strong and brash and Emory being relaxed and just going with the plan as if he had nothing better to do. Oglethorpe's lines are made much better by the random inclusion of a German accent and how he just wants things to go his way despite his way not being properly planned out.

11. Mayhem of The Mooninites/Revenge Of The Mooninites/Remooned



Much like Dr. Wongburger, it's really hard to pinpoint a single episode that the Mooninites do really well in. In fact, there's a lot more Mooninites for this list to come, but for the sake of the final spot on this half, I have to give it to the first three central episodes involving them. Each episode has the Mooninites inexplicably arrive and disrupt the routine of the Aqua Teens. Ignigknot and Err are a wonderful pair of Atari sprites that act like know-at-all overloads who in reality are nothing more than petty thugs with relatively weak weaponry they hardly use. Each of the three episodes has the two of them trying as best as they can to get the better out of the Aqua Teens and being thwarted by Frylock's powers. The first one, Mayhem, has them corrupting Meatwad into becoming more thuggish, which results in the Mooninites showing off the powerful yet ineffective Quad Laser. The second one, Revenge, involves them using a Foreigner Belt that they obtain by conning Meatwad, which results in some great banter between them and Carl and ultimately results in Carl defeating them as opposed to Frylock. The third one, Remooned, has the Mooninites trying to cash in a check which is in reality a radioactive bill from their uncle. Each episode has their great moments as they revolve around what the Mooninites seek to achieve and the way they react to the Aqua Teens. One of the most noteworthy parts of these episodes is that most of the banter that stems from Err is improvised. It makes a lot of sense when you consider his hyperactive attitude being bounced off by Ignigknot's solemn snark. And probably the best part is just when you see Ignigknot giving the finger to Earth as hard as he can.

“Grr... agh! Dammit, just piss off! Sahra, would'ja try and get this stupid thing off me!?”

“I'm doing my best, Naomi... so if you would try and hold still for just... a moment...”

A bowstring twanged loudly, sending an arrow whistling through the air of the overgrown ruins, and the young man glanced over his shoulder, startled by the exchange going on behind him. He watched with grim satisfaction as the sharp, silver arrowhead crashed full-force into a flame-coated wildcat that was scratching and snarling at the shield its target, a blonde-haired woman in brilliant armor, hoisted up. The strength of the sniper's shot sent the lynx flying into the nearby bookcase with a heavy slam, knocking a few ruined leather bindings loose from the high shelves; they fell, one after the other, onto the prone body of the monster, adding insult to injury.

“Skylar, on your flank!” Another voice, notes of steel playing in its usual softness, called out, and the explorer swiveled around at the yell of his name, bringing his arm up just in time as a sticky tongue wrapped around it, and a purple lizard started tugging, trying to pull him in. There was a sudden flash, accompanied by singing metal, and there was a screech of pain as a limp stump snapped back into the creature's gaping mouth. Skylar looked up at the slender figure standing between him and the anoir, who wiped blood from her katana, a red smear staining the side of her short padded dress. “I'll finish this one off, you go and check on Damien, okay?”

He shot the cream-furred beastwoman a grateful thumbs-up before jogging towards the dead end of the corridor, kicking up dust and bits of ruined tile, his boots stomping against the floor. There was another pained screech from the lizard, and he did his best to ignore the battle, instead craning his neck towards the ceiling, waving his sword at the other man high above his head. “Hey, Damien! Have you found that book yet?”

“Nope, nothing so far!” Came the reply, and Skylar found himself having to jump back as the medic practically flung a book at his head. The warrior ran a hand through his dark hair until his bracer bumped against his forehead; he stared at the pages, which looked like they had been half-eaten. “Just let me look a little bit longer, I'm sure that this was where I saw it! This spot is too familiar to not be the right place, I'm telli- look out!”

The medic held on tightly to the wall with one hand, pointing anxiously with the other, his coat and satchel waving from the abrupt motion. Skylar followed the finger and hastily sidestepped the jabbing claw of a dark gray scorpion, anger burning in its beady yellow eyes. He raised his shield defensively, digging his heels in before drawing his sword.

The monster scuttled forward on pointed legs, rearing back and swinging its other claw with surprising speed; the blow glanced harmlessly off of Skylar's shield, but he felt his feet skid against the floor, his sense of balance lost momentarily as he stumbled backwards. He awkwardly swung his blade to try and counter the attack, and there was a slight cracking sound. Tiny chunks of exoskeleton broke off from the damaged pincer, and the scorpion halted for a split-second before redoubling its approach, seeming completely unfazed.

Skylar shook his head and bounced on the tips of his toes as he regained his bearings, easily jumping over the monster's strike, stomping hard on its carapace before hopping away. He placed a palm on the hilt of his sword, concentrating, focusing, sensing energy swirl around the weapon. When he felt the metal start to warm up, he opened his eyes and raised his sword, which was now pulsing red with magic flames. The glow alone made the scorpion recoil in fear of the strange new threat that the warrior had created, its legs laying flat and its claws snapping together in an attempt to look menacing.

“This'll work just fine!” Skylar yelled, to nobody in particular, as he dashed forward, sharply pivoting as he drew near the scorpion, and his blade erupted into burning, flickering flames. He slashed at the creature's limbs, watching intently for the strike's result.

He smiled – the heat had worked! Both pincers clattered to the library floor, severed in half, the momentum of the attack even outright tearing them from the monster's body.

The explorer's satisfaction was short-lived, however, when the scorpion mimicked his movements, spinning around before he could react, its tail laying flat on the ground, the barbed tip ripping effortlessly through his pants and landing a deep cut on his leg. Skylar hissed in pain, caught off-guard by the vicious strike, and kicked at the creature, sending it up into the air and into the bookcase across from them both. The man grit his teeth as he quickly stole a glance at Damien, who had returned his attention to scouring the ruined library. He turned back towards his foe, his neck feeling oddly leaden all of a sudden, and the scorpion got back to its feet, curling and uncurling its tail as it stared the explorer down.

“Get back!”

The monster turned and looked at the newcomer that was sprinting towards it, her katana sweeping upward in a mighty slash, and it vainly lashed out to try and sting the beastwoman, instead losing all feeling in its limbs and then losing consciousness soon afterward. The scorpion's glare grew dull and lifeless as its body cleanly split in two, and the beastwoman danced around and swung again, lopping its tail off completely just for good measure, a link of flames imbued in her second strike.

She stared at the dead creature, glaring right back at it for a second, two seconds, three seconds... and then she inhaled deeply... and exhaled deeply, letting her posture slump as her tension subsided. Taking a look at her blade and grimacing, she wiped it again on her dress before returning it to its scabbard, sighing as she stepped away from the growing pool of scorpion blood.

“Daaamn! Nice kill, Hanae! Not that a bug like that could be a match for us, eh?” The bushi perked up, her ears twitching as armor clanked behind her, and Naomi ran up to her side, grinning toothily at the corpse laid before them. Another, lighter, set of footsteps alerted them to Sahra's presence, and the young girl pushed past both of them without a word, taking her goggles off and adjusting the red band that tied her bangs back.

“Aha, I found it! Hey, I found it, everyone, look!” Hanae and Naomi both peered at Damien, who was waving an unadorned tome at them, excitement evident in his face, his unkempt hair bouncing around. He waited for a moment, taking in the height he had climbed to. “But... uh, ahah, I'm not sure if I can make my way back down! Can one of you catch me?”

“Oh, you dumbass!” Naomi snorted loudly at the man on the bookcase, dropping her shield and hammer to the ground before walking to the base of the wall, wading through a small pile of destroyed papers and holding her arms wide. “Here, just jump and aim for me!”

Damien shuffled around until he was facing outward, pressing his back strongly against the various other books, his tiptoes on the edge of the hollowed stone. He inched forward a bit, bent his knees, swallowed dryly, and let go of the shelves, springing off of his foothold. He abruptly swerved down as his ankle clipped a stray vine, and he plummeted towards the ground. “OkaaAAAAAAAH! CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME-”

Hanae's jaw dropped at their friend's misstep, and she sucked in a breath, stepping over and watching her teammate scramble around in a panic. Before she could try and help, however, the medic collided with the fortress' head, sending them both into a sprawling heap. The beastwoman couldn't help but giggle quietly at the sight, and she turned away to hide her amused smile. Damien was the first to sit back up, but he yelped in surprise as he was rudely yanked back down.

“What are you thinking!?” Naomi barked angrily, sitting up herself, brushing the stray parchment off of her armor, some of it falling to pieces at the touch. Damien's arm shot into the air, holding their leather-bound prize aloft, and he broke into a round of chuckles, which only seemed to annoy the woman more. “You're seriously laughing about this!?”

Hanae chose that moment to step in, offering both explorers an open palm. They glanced up at the beastwoman, glanced at each other, then took her grasp, and she helped them back to their feet, leading them over to Sahra, who was carefully carving the barb out of the scorpion's tail tip with a small knife. Damien hummed at the sight of the monster, digging into his bag and pulling out a cleaner, well-kept journal, as well as a sharpened stick of charcoal.

“Oho, this looks like some of the other scorpions we've seen before!” He muttered, quickly opening his book to a random page and starting to doodle. Sahra finished her work and slipped the needle into a small pouch on her belt. “Hey, Skylar, I was busy looking for that DNA book so I didn't see you fighting. What did this thing do, huh? Anything interesting?”

The warrior didn't answer, and Hanae cocked her head in confusion, turning around as Damien stopped drawing and repeated himself, raising his voice louder.

She gasped, her heart skipping a few beats as her eyes went as wide as saucers. “S-Skylar!”

Her frightened cry startled the other three explorers, and she ran over to the warrior in question, slowing to a stop just a couple paces away. Her teammates let out similar noises of dismay, and she hesitantly reached out, inching forward until she grazed the man's chin, his sword and shield still held forward to defend himself. His skin was cold to the touch, rough and gray – the sensation made the beastwoman flinch, covering her mouth in shock. Naomi, Damien and Sahra rushed over as she drew back, and the fortress walked around their friend before tapping his ear. The sound of metal against stone was unmistakable.

“What the hell... what the hell?” The woman said, uncharacteristically quiet, unable to stop herself from staring at the frozen swordsman. She tugged the top of his green shirt, then his scaled mail, looking down at his back. She then let the clothes snap back to the warrior's neck, letting out a confused huff and folding her arms. “What the hell! He's been totally turned to stone!”

“My god...” Damien mumured. Hanae felt the man nudge her, and she stepped away, letting him take a proper look at Skylar's face. She reached out and brushed her fingers against his own, gently wrapping her hands around the clenched fist, rubbing her thumb on the warrior's glove. Any other time, the gesture would have been comforting. It took a few minutes, or what seemed to feel like a few minutes, for the beastwoman to tear herself away from the sight, and she looked aimlessly around the library corridor, finally settling on watching her studious teammate scribble notes in his journal.

“So what's up with him?” Naomi asked, stomping back around and attempting to look over the medic's shoulder. He hunched forward each time she tried. “Was this because of that scorpion thing?”

“I... I have no idea!” Damien's voice trembled, caught halfway between curiosity and horror, and he swiftly dotted a sentence and slapped his book shut, standing up straighter to reveal his utterly baffled expression. He blew his bangs out of his face, blindly grasping at the various tubes and wraps of medicine stored in his coat pockets.

“You what!?” The armor-clad woman growled her reply, looking skeptically at her teammate. When he nodded at her, she walked over and gave him a strong noogie, digging her knuckles into his scalp. “Are you joking with me here? You're the team nerd, Damien, you're the one who's supposed to know about this kind'a stuff!”

“Well I don't, okay?” He shot back, wincing at the fortress. “I don't think any of us have ever had someone just turn to stone before and I don't have enough medicine to cover Skylar's whole body!”

“We... we need to get back to Tharsis. We need to get back and get Skylar to the clinic, and quickly,” Hanae said firmly, stepping away and looking at the other three explorers. She blinked when she saw Sahra, who had already gotten their bundle of maps out and was looking over one of them. Damien ducked away and nodded at the bushi's words, and Naomi nearly lost her balance, catching herself before her gauntlet punched into the floor, groaning in frustration.

“We're not far from where we left the Procne.” A stoic Sahra ambled over, holding their map of the library out for all to see. “But it would be hard for us to carry Skylar through the shortcut with the way he is now, and with the food we've gathered, I don't know where we'd bring him. It'd be better to use a warp wire.”

All eyes turned to Damien, who stared back for a moment before realization dawned on him. He dug into his satchel. “Oh... ah, right. Hang on, it's in here somewhere...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I'll be honest with you all... I never thought I'd see a case of this during my time in Tharsis. Heck, I never thought I'd see a case in my life! But you sure did it, Zephyrus... you sure did it.”

The old, bearded man hobbled around Skylar's prone form, inspecting it through a pair of big, round glasses, his remark not telling the four explorers very much at all. Hanae looked out the window as the clinic drifted into silence once again, feeling more than a little relieved at the emptiness of the room. The rush to carry Skylar through the wharf and down to the clinic, aided by a helpful group of guards, had left everyone feeling very, very drained. The early afternoon sun cast a bright glow throughout the city, and the beastwoman watched as the outside world passed them by.

“So that means you actually know what to do about this, right?” Naomi said, glancing sideways at Damien as she spoke, impatiently tapping her foot against the floorboards. The older physician turned towards the team's medic, who was frowning unhappily at the armored woman. The frown quickly twisted in to a sheepish grin when he noticed that the doctor was staring at him.

“Hrm... yes, you could say that,” The doctor replied, squatting down and squinting at the small hole in the swordsman's pants, revealing his stone knee. He blew on it before beckoning everyone to take a look. Hanae's eyes flicked over at the gesture, and she slid out of her chair, tracing the thin scrape that the old man was pointing out; it was pink, the only part of Skylar that wasn't stone. “I'll have to consult my books, but this is clearly where the scorpion wounded him, and that's a good place for me to start, hoh!”

The group let out a collective sigh of relief, and even the corners of Sahra's mouth twitched upwards happily. Hanae stood back up, an invisible weight lifting from her shoulders, and her tail wagged a couple times. She locked eyes with the elderly man as he got to his feet; a pleasant sparkle played on his features, and the dimples in his cheeks were hidden by his facial hair. His mind seemed to wander somewhat, and he thought hard before continuing his diagnosis.
“It will take some time, however. He won't be de-petrified until tonight or maybe tomorrow in the morning, and he won't be going on any explorations for a few days more,” He said deliberately, obviously trying his best to sugarcoat the news for the four of them.

“That's fine, sir,” Hanae answered before anyone else could respond, giving the doctor a polite, reassuring wave. The bushi ignored the slack-jawed look that Naomi was giving her, and instead shook her head, brushing back a few strands of her hair when they fell in front of her arms. “I'm... we're just glad that you're able to treat it at all, really.”

“Damien. Book.” Naomi turned towards the medic, who quirked an eyebrow up at her.

“What-”

“Just gimme the damn book, I'm gonna go to the bar!”

“Alright, alright! Geez...” Damien stiffened at the terse reply, and he grabbed his satchel, undoing the flap and rummaging through it for a couple seconds, finally pulling out the book from the Echoing Library. He held it outward, studying its cover with a passionate smile, but the fortress swiped it out of his hands and stomped, livid, towards the clinic's door, opening it and then slamming it shut as she left.

The noise brought a new face running from elsewhere in the building, and a woman in a puffy blue dress peeked her head in through the wooden frame, bringing the smell of baking bread and roasting meats with her. “Oh! I'm not interrupting anything, am I, dears? After all the guards earlier, I wasn't sure when I heard the door...”

Hanae smiled sweetly at the innkeeper, and Damien and Sahra got out of their seats, the former cheerily waving. She eased herself into the room, leaving the door open behind her as she hurriedly walked over to the explorers, pulling them all into an impromptu group hug. The beastwoman sniffed, the scent of food wafting around the woman's dress, so strong that it briefly overpowered anything and everything else in the room.

“No... miss... Dalla!” Sahra exclaimed, wriggling free, and Dalla took that as her cue to let go of the others, glancing down at the young girl, who corrected her hairband, then checked inside all of the pouches on her belt. Satisfied that nothing was out of place, she made for the door as well, looking behind at her teammates. “It was... just Naomi, being the way she usually is. I'm going to catch up and keep an eye on her. I'll be at the bar if you need me.”

“Okay, Sahra!” Damien cupped his hands to his mouth and called out to the sniper, speaking quickly so she would hear him before the door closed again. “Be careful! Make sure that she doesn't get in any fightsanddon'tdrinkanythingsheoffersyoualright!”

The hinges creaked slightly when the knob stopped moving, and the clinic's caretaker cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. Dalla squeezed Hanae's forearm, sending her a doting wink, and the beastwoman nodded at the innkeeper with a small, thankful smile, watching as she departed, returning to whatever work she had to do. After a second more, she turned back to the elderly physician, who was thoughtfully eying both her and Damien.

“Well... anyway...” The old man trailed off, pausing for a moment in case there were any more interruptions. Damien opened his mouth, then realized that the doctor wasn't finished speaking, and closed it. “Treating the petrification will take some time, and I'll need my full attention to do it, so before I get started, I was wondering if we could discuss payment?”

“Ah... oh! Oh, of course,” Hanae blinked in surprise, then exhaled, feeling mildly embarrassed at her own forgetfulness. She walked back to her seat and grabbed a coin pouch that was neatly tied to her katana, leaning against an empty bed. Her ears flicked as she counted out their money; one, ten, twenty... one hundred or so was the usual fee, she remembered that quite clearly, at least.

“Uh, doc, I was wondering,” Damien said, raising his hand and walking over, and the old man nodded at him to continue. The medic didn't seem to notice, too busy giving Skylar another thorough checkup, pinching his nose, attempting to close his eyes, and looking at the scratch above his knee. “Since you're going to be treating him, could I stay here and maybe help you out, do you think? That way I'd know what to do if we were all in the Echoing Library and this happened again.”

“Hoho, that sounds just fine, my boy!” Came a quick reply.

Damien grinned excitedly as the warm smile returned to the old man's face, but found himself wheezing right afterward as the elderly man clapped a hand against his back, accidentally winding him in the process. Hanae looked away from re-counting the payment at Damien's grunt, watching him take a couple deep breaths. He reached into the pockets of his coat and brought out a roll of bandages, then a couple flasks filled with colorless fluid. The other doctor shuffled around and peeked at her, expectantly thrusting a arm out, and she gingerly slipped the handful of coins into his palm, shyly looking back out the window.

“Would you like to stay as well, miss?” The elderly man asked, and the beastwoman glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes, feeling her face turn red when she saw the knowing look that he wore. She nodded demurely, and the old man's smile widened considerably. “Well, I'm glad to hear that... because I may need both of you to help take off some of the armor your pal's wearing, hoh!”

Hanae's eyes widened and her cheeks flared up even further, and the doctor laughed heartily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sahra silently stalked through the streets of Tharsis, slipping through the crowd of various explorers with ease, the Sahrimnir Inn soon vanishing completely from her sight. People seemed to jump in surprise as she pushed and sidled her way past them, only to relax and wave at her. Inwardly, she rolled her eyes, not recognizing a good amount of them. She wondered how many people were novices heading to the mine just outside of town... she turned sideways when she noticed a small gap between two warriors in golden plate, stepping through without even feeling them bump her.
That was something she was going to miss when she started to grow taller.

“Sahra! Hey, hey! Sahra!” She narrowed her eyes at the sound of her name, scanning back and forth for whoever was calling her. It didn't take long to notice the other young girl waving her arms wildly at her, her brown overalls – and to a lesser extent, her face, too, Sahra noticed – stained with layer upon layer of soot and grime from her job at the atelier. “I didn't realize that ya were back home!”

“Hello there, Wynne.” Sahra waved a simple greeting at the energetic girl, who suddenly grunted when a soldier bumped her side with his spear. The sniper peered around the plaza for a moment, spotting an empty wall near some building or another. She grabbed the apprentice blacksmith's wrist, leading her out of the middle of the street. “What brings you out of the shop?”

“Me? Aw, I'm on a lunch break, hehe,” Wynne replied, letting out a chuckle as she scratched at the back of her head, her own pair of goggles moving just slightly. Sahra leaned against the wall and stretched, feeling the quiver of arrows dig into her waist. “Ain't no big deal, just a busy day as usual, ya know. But what about you? Weren't you an da rest of da crew out exploring up past da big mountains?”

Sahra nodded, letting her arms fall to her sides, and as she rested them on her belt, she remembered the barb from the scorpion. The girl glanced down at the various pouches for a moment, debating whether to bring it up. She looked up after a second, making a mental note to stop at the atelier sometime later. “We were. Skylar had picked up another request from the bar. Someone was looking for a book in the Echoing Library, and Damien remembered noticing it a while ago.”

“Just one little book? In dat big of a place?” The apprentice replied, tilting her head in thought. Sahra raised her head a little in surprise, only to lower it soon after; Wynne was probably exaggerating about the ruins as usual, and she just happened to be right this time- “I've seen da maps of dat place, a few other explorers were showing em off ta da boss! Were ya really able ta find it?”

Sahra sighed, turning her gaze towards the center of the city, the mass of figures blending together as she tried to trace what path she could take from here to the bar. Naomi was probably already there, and that thought nearly made her frown worriedly. “Yes, we did, Naomi's taking the book over right now. I was on my way to catch up with her. She... wasn't very happy when she left the clinic.”

“The clini- wait, da clinic!?” Wynne blurted out, staring in alarm at her friend's words, balling her hands into fists. “W-w-what happened? What happened down in da library, Sahra!? C'mon, tell me that nobody's gonna...”

Sahra rolled her eyes in response, but the pained expression on the apprentice's face was enough to make her force a serious smile; the explorer hoped that the rare gesture would help alleviate Wynne's innocent, childlike concern. “Nobody is dead or going to die, Wynne, no. There were some monsters near the spot the book was in, and one of them turned Skylar to stone before we killed it. That's why we're back in Tharsis now, he'll be recovering for a few days.”

“Woah... stone? No way...” Wynne whispered, awestruck.

The conversation slowed to a stop; Sahra was more focused on looking for the bar, and the apprentice blacksmith didn't seem to have any more to say. The sniper stood up, moving away from the wall, and she was about to leave when her bow slid down her arm a little, its string gently holding her back. She gave Wynne, who had grabbed the end of the weapon, a patient look.

“Sorry, eh... do ya think it'd be okay if I went an checked on Skylar?” She asked, grinning awkwardly as the explorer peeled her grasp off of the bow. “I'm going ta da inn for lunch anyway, so it ain't like I'd be going outta my way or nothing!”

Sahra paused, mulling the question over. She felt more than a little happy that her friend was so worked up, but... well. It wasn't really her decision to make anyway, was it? She folded her arms, letting a genuine smile onto her face this time. “I don't know how Skylar would feel about it. He is petrified, after all. But Hanae and Damien were still there when I left, and I think they would be glad to see you. Just ask the doctor first.”

The young girl beamed, jumping up and throwing her arms around Sahra, embracing her tightly for a few moments before letting go and walking backwards towards the street. “Thanks, Sahra! Heh, now I'm really starvin! See ya later, alright?”

Sahra simply held up a hand as the apprentice blacksmith jogged away, standing in place and watching her friend until she couldn't see her anymore, and she stared into the heart of Tharsis itself afterward, feeling content with herself. She reached back and rubbed an itch on her neck. A strange, dusty something made her stop, and she looked at her glove. The sniper winced. Soot was clinging to the hard fabric.

Her happiness dampened, Sahra curled her fists and marched forward, ducking and weaving through the crowd again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dancing Peacock wasn't usually so empty at this time of day.

Kirtida hummed to herself, grabbing a mug from underneath the counter and wiping it down with a washrag, searching in vain for any more imaginary smudges that might still have been on its rounded surface. The bartender looked away from her work, absently scrubbing the heavy glass as she scoured the room, checking on the few occupants; she thanked Kismet for making her good at multitasking. A portly maintenance worker was slacking off on one of the couches, Sophie was sitting on the empty stage, rifling through her bag of equipment, a couple arcanists were sitting in the corner and chatting to themselves, their drinks barely touched and probably forgotten.

Nobody looked like they needed anything, and the tanned woman shoved the mug back among the rest with a sigh, carelessly letting the cloth slip from her grasp. It was satisfying to not be busy for once, of course, but it was also quite boring, which Kirtida hadn't been for... months, maybe. The sensation was unwelcome, and she traced a fingernail around the bowl of dried fruit that she usually left out for the easily-inebriated.

The chime of a bell signaled the door being opened, and she spun on her heels, reaching up to fix the bejeweled veil sitting on her head. When she saw who entered, she almost groaned. A knight with short blonde hair, decked out in heavy plate armor, noisily trudged over, hopping up onto a barstool without even saying a word.

“Well,” The bartender broke the silence, leaning down and steepling her fingers. The explorer looked at her irritably, blinking a couple times, which Kirtida took to be the closest thing to a 'hello' that she was going to get. Maybe someone was stuck in the clinic? “It's a little early for you to be coming in for a drink, hm?”

“Just gimme something strong, will ya?” Naomi tersely replied, and the fortress reached around and slammed a book onto the countertop, drumming her fingers against it before roughly shoving it over to the bartender.

The movement nearly knocked over the bowl of dried fruits, and Kirtida just barely managed to grab it before its contents were flipped onto the carpeted floor. She leveled a scolding glare at the younger explorer, and tried to calm down when she turned to put the food back, grabbing the mug from before and walking to the end of the bar, looking at the bottles on one of the higher shelves. After moving from cork to cork, the bartender finally took one, opening it up and letting the rich, amber liquid flow out into the glass, foam rising until it reached the very top.

Kirtida strolled back and held the ale out to Naomi, who took it in both her gauntlets, drinking deeply; she downed half the glass before she put it down, exhaling heavily as she did. She had perked up compared to moments ago, but the bartender could tell that her mood was still far from perfect. “So how are you doing?”

“Crappy.”

“Clearly.” She replied without missing a beat, her words dripping with sarcasm. The knight didn't notice – or care – in the slightest, lifting her ale into the air and polishing the rest of it off with one swift motion. Kirtida leaned onto the counter, and her wrist bumped against the book Naomi had brought with her. While her customer was preoccupied, she picked up the old, weathered tome, scanning over both the back and front. Both sides were featureless, the details probably lost to time and age. “So what's with this? Something of Damien's?”

Naomi gave her an incredulous look as she put her empty mug down again. “Are you serious, Kirtida?”

“What?” The bartender's mind started to race, trying to figure out what the fortress meant.

“God dammit... you know, the job!” Naomi swore loudly, lashing out with her arm, gesturing towards the bulletin board that hung on the nearby wall. Kirtida leaned sideways over the counter, narrowing her eyes. Now that she looked, there were a few empty tacks still stuck to it... ohhh...! The knight on the stool shook her head, and she realized that her realization was plain as day on her face.

“Yes... that's right, I'd forgotten you had all come and taken that request,” Kirtida said, retrieving the opened ale and gently shaking it towards Naomi. The fortress nodded curtly at her, and she tipped the bottle forward, refilling the mug with one hand and idly flipping the first few pages of the ancient book with the other. She couldn't make heads or tails of the odd charts and diagrams, aside from a string of double-helices. “The researcher who was wanting the book on monster DNA. I'm sure he'll be happy that you found this for him.”

“He better be, because I'm not happy!” The explorer growled and took another, smaller, swig of her drink, then grabbed a handful of dried fruit, stuffing it into her mouth. Kirtida closed her eyes and massaged her temples. The alcohol seemed to be helping Naomi talk, at least, which was progress. “Bah, forget it... maybe I'll just go out to the mine and blow off some steam, those giant baboons there make good punching bags...”

“Well then, what's got you all riled up?” The bartender scooped the book up into her arms, slipping it under the counter, away from the dishes cluttering the rest of the shelves, swapping it for the flask of strong medicine left as the job's payment. “You're always the first one here to celebrate whenever you and the rest of the Zephyrus Guild finish a request, so... just call me curious.”

Naomi let out a heaving sigh, slumping over until her chin was resting on the wooden surface, one of her cheeks rising and falling as she idly chewed. The knight stayed like that for a few minutes, staring blankly at the wall of the bar. “Guuuh... a scorpion turned Skylar to stone, so we're not gonna be exploring for a few days. It's stupid, I know, okay?”

“S-stone?” Kirtida did a double-take. She had guessed that one of her friends had gotten hurt, but whatever she had been expecting, it hadn't been something like that. She hurried back over to the fortress, her scarves and jewelry rustling, and set the elixir down. “Goodness...”

“No, not goodness. Badness,” Naomi replied, and Kirtida furrowed her brow. She almost wanted to laugh at the woman's obliviousness, but didn't – she couldn't really tell if it was an attempt at a joke or not.

“But surely there's other things that you can spend your time doing, no?” She asked, taking the empty mug and wiping it down again, wryly noting in her head that she actually had something to clean from it this time. Naomi mumbled something incoherent and ate a second helping of snacks, letting her cheek fall into her other gauntlet. Kirtida slid the mug next to the explorer's elbow and wrung the now-damp dishrag out.

“Can I get another drink?”

“I don't think the others would like you to get drunk while the sun is still up.”

“Oh, come on!”

The tanned woman looked around the room worriedly as Naomi yelled in annoyance, hoping that nobody was too disturbed by the knight's outburst, and she frowned when she noticed the maintenance worker, who had fallen asleep on the couch. She squinted; it looked like the lazy man might have even been drooling. After scanning over the rest of the bar, she leaned in close to her nearby customer, her voice turning stern.

“Absolutely not, especially if you keep shouting,” She whispered, and she pointed out the elixir of nectar that the fortress hadn't collected.

The explorer's brown eyes followed the digit, and she reached out and glumly snatched the flask, resigned to her current sobriety. Kirtida smiled, biting back a laugh as Naomi started to slide the medicine bottle between her palms, and the door bell chimed again, catching the bartender's attention; she turned to look at the new arrival, her eyes widening slightly at the young girl that was solemnly walking over to the two of them, slipping her bow off of her back and resting it against an empty stool.

“Hello, miss Kirtida,” Sahra said as she hopped onto the stool, and Naomi's head shot up, jerking sideways to stare in surprise at her teammate. The sniper shuffled a bit in her seat before resting her arms on the countertop, glancing at the racks of drinks on the opposite wall. “I would just like some water, or juice, if you have any, please.”

The woman smiled slyly at the girl, clicking her tongue as she grabbed a smaller, wooden cup and started searching through the bottles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Okay... let's put it down on three. One... two... three-!”

Hanae held in a breath as she and Damien bent over, laying Skylar's set of scalemail next to a bracer and armguard, and she brushed away a few beads of sweat that were trickling down her bangs. Damien huffed, sucking at his sore fingers as he stared at the loose latches attached to each side of the collar, and the beastwoman wondered if he was regretting his suggestion to open them up, even if it had finally made it possible to take the scalemail off at all. She stood up and took a step back, her heel landing on the remains of her friend's shirt – she hoped the swordsman wouldn't mind that they had to cut it in half – and she quickly gathered the ruined garment up, draping it over its owner's backpack.

“Well, if you don't mind me saying so, hoho, he certainly would make for a fine-looking statue the way he is now, wouldn't he?” The physician remarked with a chuckle, and Hanae glanced behind her back at the bearded old man, who was still fiddling with the sword and shield that were stuck in the petrified explorer's grip.

After a few more vain attempts, he gave up and walked away, letting Skylar's form come into view again. The bushi gazed briefly at the dynamic pose the warrior was in, arms thrust outward as if he was about to deflect a mighty blow from an invisible opponent, with a pained, but utterly determined, expression frozen on his face. Damien pushed past her, grinning humorously as he circled around their teammate, searching for any more wounds that they might have missed.

“So now that we've gotten his armor off, what do we do next?” He asked, hopping onto an empty bed and bouncing a bit as he looked to the clinic's elderly caretaker, who started leafing backwards through one of his medical books, abruptly stopping as he came to a particular section.

“Hmm...” He grunted in reply. “Oh... hm, that's a bit of a problem.”

“What?” Hanae's ears twitched, and she worriedly loped over, catching herself just shy of reading the book over the old man's shoulder. His head turned to look around, and the startled man gasped, then exhaled, making the beastwoman feel a little sheepish. Damien jogged over as well, the supplies in his satchel shaking noisily. “Please, what's wrong, sir?”

“Hoh, sorry to accidentally get you two worried, it's nothing bad.” The doctor waved dismissively, moving over to let both explorers read over a short passage he was pointing to. Hanae's eyes darted back and forth as she reciting the writing in her head: boil the flowers in fresh water for five minutes or whenever nectar is extracted... mix in the aloe leaves until the scent of the flowers is no longer strong... strain the liquid into a new container to remove the solid matter... her head started to spin a little at the detailed instructions, and the medic standing next to her leaned in, reading closely.

“Wow... this is complicated... and it's really interesting!” Damien exclaimed, quickly grabbing his journal so he could jot down some notes, scribbling so energetically that Hanae worried, only for a moment, that the charcoal stick might tear through the paper. “But what's the problem then, exactly?”

“Like I said, nothing big. We just used up the last of the nectar flowers we had on hand the other day, so I'm gonna have to go and get some more for this,” The old man replied, scratching under his grizzled chin. Damien raised his head at that, leaving his notes unfinished.

“Why don't I just go and get them?” The explorer offered, shrugging at the older man.

He got a grin and a thumb towards the window in response. Hanae and Damien looked out at the busy Tharsis streets, the latter absentmindedly closing his notebook, putting it back in his satchel, and tugging on the edges of his coat as the doctor spoke up. “That's kind of you, my boy, but I was thinking of sending you to go and draw some water up from the well! You'd be better at it than me.”

Damien straightened up and gave the clinic's caretaker a single, sharp nod, and he turned to walk out of the room. Halfway, he realized that he needed the notes in his journal, and he bowed his head, slinging his bag over and rooting through it. Hanae felt her fur bristle when a 'clunk!' rang through the air, the medic having bumped his head against the wall while distracted, and he stumbled back a step, glimpsing his audience behind him. The explorer chuckled awkwardly as he turned the doorknob and departed.

“I'll stay here in case any more injured explorers need to be brought in, then,” Hanae said softly, turning towards the clinic's caretaker, who smiled gratefully at her from behind his glasses.

“Then I'll leave this here with you, just in case.” He lightly tapped his open medical book, folding the corner of the page over before making for the exit, no doubt headed right for the atelier.

The bushi's gaze lingered on the door for a few minutes before she turned around and walked over to her chair, lowering herself into it and leaning back; a beam of sunlight landed right on her seat, and she let the pleasant warmth sink into her, her muscles all relaxing at once. The clinic fell into a tranquil silence, only intruded upon by Hanae's breathing and the occasional muffled noises coming from outside. She stared at the ceiling, hair falling against her back and tail wagging softly on the floor.

Something heavy clattered elsewhere in the inn, making the building shake, and the beastwoman's katana rattled – or rather, her wallet rattled against the weapon's handle. She glanced at the little leather pouch out of the corner of her eye, and gingerly picked the scabbard up, holding it across her lap. Deft fingers undid the string that had only recently been re-tied, and she let the bag fall with a jingle, returning her blade to its resting place.

Skylar was the one who carried most of their money around, mostly as a precaution after Naomi's miserable loss of a drinking contest – that must have been the first or second month they had all formed the guild, Hanae mused thoughtfully – and he was typically the one to pay for their supplies and most other things they ever needed. She set her wallet at her feet and picked up the warrior's backpack, opening it up and searching inside for the team's coin pouch; the bushi wondered whether Sahra would stop at the atelier as well, to sell the spoils of their battle in the library. Her face fell when she remembered the needle the sniper had cut from the scorpion's tail. What could possibly be forged out of something like that?

There was a short, wooden sound. Hanae looked up, sucking in a surprised breath, one arm still stuck inside of her friend's bag. The door creaked just a little, and a gloved hand, holding a roasted bird leg, poked through the opening. The beastwoman cocked her head, not entirely sure who the hand belonged to, and she sat up, carefully placing Skylar's backpack next to her chair, watching the clinic's doorway all the while.

“Hello? Ey, doc...? Can I come in an take a look around?” A young voice piped up, its accent as unmistakeable as it ever was, and Hanae let go of the air she had held in her lungs, a small, cheerful smile wriggling its way onto her muzzle.

“The doctor isn't here right now, Wynne,” She called back, getting to her feet and brushing at her dress, and the apprentice blacksmith burst into the room, letting the door swing open completely as she ran into the clinic. Her mouth was half-full of food; she must have come to the inn for lunch. Wynne wrapped herself around the bushi's waist, giving her a tight hug, and Hanae affectionately fluffed the child's ponytail. “Hello, sweetie... it's good to see you.”

“S'good ta see you too, miss Hanae!” The girl replied, and she pulled away from the beastwoman after a few seconds, taking another chomp of Dalla's excellent cooking and grinning happily, gulping the bite down before continuing. “I saw Sahra while I wuz walkin over here an she said Skylar got himself turned ta stone!”

Hanae blinked, staying still for a brief moment, then she turned around, somberly nodding her head towards the petrified explorer that stood nearby. Wynne looked where she pointed and gasped in surprise at Skylar's form, running over and staring at the swordsman. The bushi slowly followed after the apprentice, a forlorn sigh escaping her lips as she reached out and touched the man's shield, using a couple fingers to trace a wavy line down the solid metal.

“Aw... woah...” Wynne muttered under her breath, leaning back and forth, and she stood on her tiptoes, poking and prodding at Skylar's forearm. She dropped to her heels at the feeling of the rough stone, then hopped right back up and grabbed the outstretched limb with her free hand. “Woah woah, he really made outta stone! It's like he's a statue, huh?”

Hanae lightly motioned at the girl to let go, inspecting the explorer afterward, as if he was the most fragile thing imaginable. Sure, he felt like stone, and probably was stone... somehow, but... she shook the thoughts away, patting Wynne's shoulder. “The doctor was saying that he would make a good statue too, you know.”

“He looks cool! An look at da muscles he gots! I never realized how strong he's gotta be, he looks like he could be inna painting!” The apprentice replied, quickly jogging around Skylar's figure.

Hanae's eyes went wide, and she brought a hand to her cheek, looking past the warrior's sword and shield as the full force of Wynne's innocent statement hit her like a crate from a foodapult. His upper body really was like a statue; without his shirt or his armor on, if she didn't know better, she would have mistaken him for an impeccably lifelike sculpture. Her vision wandered, from the man's head, to his chest, until she reached his belt and pants, which were suddenly hidden from view behind Wynne's overalls.

The beastwoman rapidly shook her head, breaking out of her daze as the girl in front of her imitated Skylar's pose, hoisting an imaginary shield close to her while simultaneously holding out her roasted bird wing, swirls of steam still wafting up from the partially-eaten meat. Hanae giggled at the young blacksmith, who turned around with a cocky grin on her face. “So, how da ya think I look?”

“I think you do look pretty cool, Wynne,” Hanae said, squatting down and stroking the child's hair, resting her hands on her knees when the child ducked under her arm. Wynne moved to the side, grunting somewhat as she punched at the air, finishing her attack with a playful uppercut.

There was a flash of light as the sun gleamed off of the apprentice blacksmith's goggles, causing the bushi to wince and shield her face, and Wynne jumped, looking out the window when she noticed. “Aw no! I musta lost track of time, I gotta get back ta the shop! I hope da boss ain't too mad... sorry, miss Hanae! See ya later!”

The girl took an enormous bite of her lunch and made a mad dash for the doorway, her boots pounding loudly against the floorboards until she had left the inn completely. Hanae strode to the window, peering through the pane of glass just in time to spot a shock of bright yellow hair zooming down the street that led down to the Tharsis plaza. Sighing, the bushi stood back up, once again finding herself alone in the room.

Well, not completely alone, she thought to herself, looking at Skylar. Her mind strayed back to the apprentice blacksmith's words from just a few minutes ago, and she ambled back to the petrified explorer, giving him a once-over. She never would have admitted it in front of the girl – or her teammates, either, really – but Wynne was right, Skylar was surprisingly muscular for being so lean... she bashfully bowed her head as she thought about the idea of getting a proper chance to look.

A niggling voice in her head said 'well, why not now?', and the beastwoman's jaw slackened at her own thoughts, fingers partly curling, her eyes darting from side to side as she looked around the now-deserted clinic. Slowly, she inched forward, moving her hand bit... by bit... by bit... until she lightly, almost-imperceptibly, touched her fingertips against the warrior's abs.

Time seemed to slow to a standstill as she eventually rested her palm on the muscles, shivering, brushing upward onto Skylar's chest, moving across the contours of his body, feeling her face heat up, cheeks burning, scrunching her eyes shut as she reached over with her other hand and leaned in close, feeling her breath as it hit her friend's face-

“Hey, Hanae, I'm back! Would you mind helping me with this water?”

The bushi yelped in shock, her arms snapping backwards as she jumped away from her petrified friend, turning to look at Damien. The medic was hunching over in the doorframe, holding a bucket of clear, fresh water near his feet, and he gave his teammate a confused look. She barely noticed as the white-coated man waddled into the room, setting his load down in as soon as he was out of the way.

“Uhh...?” He said, his eyebrow quirking upward. “Something wrong? You look kind of... red.”

Hanae covered her face with her hands, utterly, absolutely, positively mortified, and she ran past her teammate, her light footsteps drowning out a whimper of embarrassment as she escaped, skidding on her heels and sprinting towards the city gates. Damien flinched, staring at the spot where the cream-furred canine had just been standing, and scratched at his wild hair, unsure of what had just happened.

“...was it something I said?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hanae slowed to a stop just outside of Tharsis, glad that the guards only gave her a passing glance as she ran out of the city, and she waited for a few minutes until she finally pulled her hands away from her eyes. The well-traveled dirt trail wound southwards, a small fork leading towards the forest mine, and she scampered over to a large oak tree that rose high above her head, just a few paces off of the beaten path. Her legs trembled, both from exhaustion after her long sprint and from her lingering embarrassment, and she swooned as Skylar jumped to the forefront of her mind again.

The beastwoman sank to her knees, overcome with shyness, and shook her head, her hair falling around her shoulders. “Ohhh... oh my goodness, what was I even doing... I shouldn't have done that...”

A fresh breeze swept through the field, the tall grass waving along the rolling hills, and her ears flicked from side to side, the wind running cool against her fur. Hanae lifted her head and gazed out at the distant countryside, watching quietly. A few birds caught an updraft and soared into the sky, chirping as they went. There was the occasional bee that buzzed by, trying to choose from the colorful patches of flowers that dotted the land. And far, far out on the horizon, the gigantic trunk of Yggdrasil loomed over everything, glowing and pulsing as ethereally as ever.

A large shadow passed over the field, and the bushi looked up at the skyship that was taking off, its propellers whirling as the unseen pilot guided it away from the city, whisking its occupants off on an exploration. The sun seemed to have gotten a little lower than it had been before.

Wait... that's right, they still had food packed away on the Procne that needed to be unloaded, didn't they?

Hanae slowly stood up, taking a deep breath before turning on her heels and ambling back towards Tharsis, hoping, but not expecting, that the cargo wharf wasn't as bustling as it usually was. An unconscious smile was on her muzzle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Sahra, do you think that I could learn some cool tricks from the bu... bu... bush, or whoever the hell they are, if I asked one about it?”

“Hm?” The sniper looked up from her cup of sugar carrot juice, blinking at the blonde fortress that casually lounged on the other side of one of the Dancing Peacock's plush sofa. Kirtida had shooed its previous occupant out of the bar, scolding him for nearly drooling on the cushions or something similar, and both explorers had gladly taken the seat when she offered it to them. Sahra knew it was just a way for the bartender to get Naomi out of her hair, but didn't really mind. If anything, she applauded the idea. “Mm, sorry. What were you saying?”

“I said, do you think that I could learn some tricks to do with my hammer if I went and asked the bushes or one of those other folks about it?” Naomi repeated slowly, kicking out and crossing her legs, smacking the blunt end of her weapon a few times for good measure. The metal rang somewhat, though the noise was thankfully muffled by the cushion the hammer was resting on.

Sahra narrowed her eyes at the older woman's words, taking another sip of her drink before resting it on the cocktail table. She had an inkling of who the knight was talking about... but there was no harm in making sure. “Bushes? Bushes who?”

Naomi frowned in annoyance, bringing her hands up to her head, sticking her thumbs on her head and stretching her index fingers out in imitation of horns. “You know who I'm talking about! All of those beastpeople, like Hanae, except she came from the south like the rest of us and Kibble and all of them were in the mountains and everything!”

“Naomi, his name is Kibagami, not Kibble,” Sahra replied coolly, noticing a couple bushi sitting at another table, who her friend had caught the attention of, and when they looked over at her, the sniper gently gestured towards her teammate and rolled her eyes. Both warriors grinned back in silent acknowledgment, turning around and minding their own business. An oblivious Naomi waited for the girl to continue, which she did. “And if you can't even remember their leader's name, I don't think any of the bushi would be very willing to train you.”

Naomi slumped over in disappointment, a grumble escaping her lips as she glared at her teammate, though Sahra knew there was no real malice behind it. The two of them left the conversation hanging, keeping to themselves as the bar started to get busier, explorers of all sorts starting to visit for a late afternoon break. A low current of murmuring started to fill the room, the air growing more energetic as people swapped stories, laments, the latest gossip. Sahra watched as Kirtida left the counter, replacing the melted candles inside one of the hanging lanterns.

“Well... well, screw you, I'm gonna go and ask about it anyway!” Naomi suddenly stated out of nowhere, and she boldly pounding a fist into an open palm. Sahra glanced sharply at her teammate, who was starting to get off of the sofa, yawning hugely as she gathered up her equipment.

“That seems like a bad idea.” Sahra hopped off her seat and slung her bow over her shoulder in a single movement, and Naomi shot the young girl a stubborn look. “We're all already tired from exploring and looking for that book, and then having to carry Skylar in to the clinic. You've been drinking, too. How many did you have before I got here?”

“What's that supposed to mean, huh? Kirtida only let me have one bottle of ale, Sahra, I'm fine! Be... besides... haww,” The knight said, yawning again in the middle of her response; she remembered to cover her mouth this time. “I'm just gonna ask, that's all. If, eh... one of them says sure thing, then I'm gonna ask if we can start tomorrow, and if they say no, then I'll challenge him or her to a duel or something and train that way! I can thrash any of them in a fight anyway!”

Naomi stomped past Sahra before the shorter girl could protest, raising her arm and aimlessly waving goodbye as she opened the door to the bar, pushing through a small crowd of people that were about to enter. They voiced a chorus of 'excuse me's and 'pardon's as the knight wandered into the plaza, and Sahra sighed, quickly gulping down the rest of her carrot juice before reaching into one of her belt pouches. Kirtida had earned herself a hefty tip today.

Dropping a handful of coins into the empty cup, the sniper brought it over to the counter, sliding it across the polished surface until she saw the bartender catch it. The tanned woman looked over at her and winked, raising the cup in a mock toast. Sahra nodded, and was about to make for the door when she paused, lingering on the group of explorers that were just starting to look for a table. Ambling over, she reached up and tugged on an incredibly voluminous white sideburn.

“Oh? Oh, hello, who might you be?” The pale explorer asked, squatting down to be level with the young girl's eyes. She let go of his hair and pointed over to the vacated sofa, and the other explorer followed her arm, smiling broadly in understanding when he saw the cushioned seats. “Ah! Hey, everyone, look over there!”

The rest of his team quickly spotted the couch, and they made a beeline for it, laughing and thanking Sahra as they went. The arcanist waited for a few more moments, though the bounce of his heels showed that he was about to walk away as well. “Thank you, miss.”

“Sorry about Naomi. I'd better catch up to her,” She replied, turning and heading for the door, muttering under her breath. “And she calls Damien a dumbass...”

The man furrowed his brow, his smile vanishing from his face, and he kept still, thinking hard about the strange remark. “Naomi... w-wait, you can't possibly mean lady Naomi of the famous Z-Z-Zephyrus Guild!?”

His jaw dropped, and he ran over to the door, swinging it open and poking his head outside, but the sniper was already gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damien exhaled, nudging the empty water bucket over to the chair near the window and watched as the older doctor returned from the inn's kitchen. The clinic's caretaker was carrying a small bowl of steaming, boiled liquid, protecting himself from the scalding heat with a handful of bundled washcloths. The explorer grinned at the sight of the mysterious mixture, feeling his excitement swell up again as he started to doodle a simple picture of the bowl in his journal.

“Is that all you needed the stove for, dears?” Dalla's voice called, and the innkeeper peeked her head into the clinic, waving an oven mitt at them. The bearded physician turned and nodded. “Just let me know if you need anything else!”

“We will, ma'am, thank you!” Damien called back , and the woman waved again before leaving them be.

The explorer glanced around the bearded physician's side, still sketching the viscous, yellow-tinted medicine; the medic hastily worked as the other doctor dipped the ends of two towels into the bowl, once, twice, over and over, until they were completely soaked through, carrying a hefty amount of liquid. He sniffed one of the trails of vapor; the flower nectar barely smelled of its pungent scent, just like he'd copied down earlier today. His grin widened; he felt as giddy as a new medical student again, he never knew any of this back when he'd first started!

The elderly man stood up straight after a few more dips of the cloths, and he thrust one at Damien, a couple droplets flying onto the medic's coat. The explorer jumped slightly, slipping his notebook back into his satchel before even more dribbles fell from the cloth, and he pinched the dry end between his fingers, hot on his senior's heels as they both walked over to Skylar's petrified form.

“Now, from here... we need to use these to clean the wound that caused the petrification,” The doctor thought aloud, crouching down and tugging the torn hole in the swordsman's pants, opening it as best he could to display the small, deep wound. Damien knelt onto the floorboards, giving his full attention to his teammate's leg as the older man started to dab at it, the stone skin darkening from each wipe of the nectar-and-aloe mixture. He felt the clinic's caretaker nudge him, and he curled his own towel around the cut, pressing his hand onto it and squeezing as much of the liquid out as he could.

“Is that it? Back in the library I was worrying that I'd need to put stuff all over him,” Damien asked, rolling his palm all around, vigorously applying the medicine on his teammate's knee, and he glanced away for a moment to check on the other physician.

“Hoh! No, my boy, in my professional opinion, I doubt we'd need to go quite that far!” The elderly man quickly returned, treating the scorpion sting a third time as he answered the medic's question. “It's normally caused by venom, you see, the venom secretes into the blood and goes all through the body. So we apply the medicine to important areas, like the wound and spine. It'll take a little longer for this to get absorbed, since we're using these towels and not a stinger, of course, but once it does...”

Damien resisted the urge to start taking notes again as the doctor continued to prattle on; his hands sopping with the now-lukewarm liquid, and he tried to dry off with his towel, stopping after a couple seconds when he realized what he was doing. He stepped backwards and wet the cloth again, and the two men went back and forth, cleaning and medicating the wound in turns.

A bronze knob turned, and Hanae demurely slipped back into the clinic, holding a large coin pouch, gently closing the door behind her. She panted tiredly, her tail waving as she looked at the two physicians across the room, and Damien peered over his shoulder, eyes brightening when he saw her. “Oh you're back! I was wondering where you went, Hanae. Are you alright?”

“Mmhm... sorry about before,” She said, walking over to her chair and grabbing her own wallet, which she'd left behind, filling it up again and setting the other pouch onto the nearby bed. The older physician smiled in greeting, and she waved back at him. “I went to the cargo wharf and sold the food we had stored in the hold.”

“Oh! Oh oh oh, woah... wow, I'd totally forgotten about it in the commotion and all,” Damien stuttered in surprise, turning and staring at Hanae's wallet as she tied it back onto her katana. The bag was so heavy now that it slid down the scabbard until it plopped unceremoniously onto the floor. “It looks like you got some really great deals for everything! Good thing you remembered.”

Hanae nodded slightly, walking over and looking at her friend, tilting her head when she noticed the moisture all over the statue's knee. “What can do to help?”

“Ah, if you want to help us out, there's another towel over near that bowl, you could indeed help us with this. If you could get his neck for us, that would be good,” The older doctor replied quickly, gesturing towards the bowl filled with the nectar-and-aloe mixture. The beastwoman quickly grabbed the washcloth nearby and submerged it in the medicine, holding it in both hands to keep it from dripping onto her feet as she strode back over to the petrified explorer.
Hanae walked around Skylar's form, feeling herself blush a little bit again as she looked at his back, and she gingerly covered the warrior's neck with the towel, her fingertips lightly kneading the fabric against his skin, feeling a slight ridge of bone between his shoulders. She rolled the fabric up, then flattened it out again, moving it up and down the statue's spine.

“How long will the medicine take to work?” She asked, a mild nervousness creeping into her voice, but Damien managed to answer her before the other doctor could.

“A little bit, but not a very very long time or anything,” The medic said, and Hanae blinked when he frowned suddenly, thinking of something, turning towards the clinic's caretaker. “Hey doc, is there any quicker way to do this? Like something I could do while we're out exploring and everything, you know what I mean?”

“If you want something as simple as a medica, I'm afraid not.” The other man shook his head with a slight grin. Hanae let her washcloth cling damply to Skylar's neck as she looked over at the elderly physician. “This has to be boiled fresh, after all. Hoh, and I don't think you'd find forest aloe in a big stone library, hohoho!”

“Couldn't we use the nectar and therica we keep with us, sir?” Hanae suggested, wiping her hands on her dress, cringing at the feeling of the sticky medicine against her padded dress, but continuing until she was dry; it was a small price to pay to not feel quite so grimy. The doctor plucked at his beard, looking up at the ceiling and humming briefly under his breath.

“Well, I suppose you could... but of course you would still need fresh water,” He replied, gesturing lamely as he hobbled over and inspected Skylar's neck and back. A pleased smile graced his features at the bushi's work, studying it close, bringing his glasses nearer to his face. “But if there are scorpions out there that can cause petrification, I imagine we'll be seeing lots more cases soon enough... perhaps I should send a letter to my colleagues out of town.”

Damien nodded earnestly, reaching into his satchel and pulling out his journal, opening it up to the page he had previously been scribbling on, combing his brain to remember everything that the doctor had talked about. He ran a hand through his wild, unkempt hair as he decided to start from the beginning and recall what he could from there. The paper crinkled slightly, and he planted a thumb on it to hold it down, leaving an unnoticed pale yellow print behind on the page.

“Hey. I'm back.”

Everyone jumped. Damien swiveled around, nearly dropping his notebook, his shock morphing into enthusiasm as Sahra strolled over and leaned against the edge of an empty bed, her arrival having gone unnoticed during the conversation. Hanae waved hesitantly at the young girl, who let her bow and quiver drop onto the sheets, then folded her arms, content to watch them work.

“Did you find Naomi?” The beastwoman walked over to the bowl of medicine, only to blink and stop in her tracks when she saw that it was empty. Sahra sighed, resting a palm on her forehead.

“She was at the Dancing Peacock for a bit, then she went to the explorers guild and challenged one of the bushi to a duel. The bunny lady won, and said she would try and patch her up and then send her back here for us,” The sniper explained smoothly, her words carrying an indifferent tone, and both Hanae and Damien looked up sharply at the news, the former opening her mouth to reply, only to lose her trail of thought, her ears drooping as she shut her jaw. Sahra paused, pulling a flask out from behind her, and held it out to her teammate. “She did deliver the book to Kirtida and finish the job, at least. We'll need to make a proper report on it later, but this was our reward.”

Damien took the bottle and opened it up, lightly spinning it before taking a sniff, flinching immediately afterward.

“Hehe... hehahahaha, it's nectar, really really strong nectar! Blegh... ech, very strong!” The medic started to laugh as he hastily closed the flask, steadying himself just enough to stuff it into his coat before snorting. “Ahah! We probably could have used this before when we were boiling, doc!”

“Really...? Well, I suppose it's already too late to try, hoh! We've used up all of the mixture we made, so now all we can do is wait, I'm afraid.” The doctor hurried over, chuckling quietly as he slapped the explorer's back.

“Are you sure?” Hanae asked softly. The clinic's caretaker nodded, and she bowed her head, her hands clasped together as she gave the elderly physician a grateful look. “Okay... thank you for everything, sir. Please, let us know when Skylar is... um... de-petrified.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All he could see was darkness.

Skylar's eyes felt like lead, grogginess gripping his mind so strongly that he found it difficult – too difficult – to think, only picking up on a mild throbbing in the back of his head. Silver motes of dust seemed to dance in his vision, despite the lack of light, and he attempted to lean forward for a better look, feeling an odd tingle through his joints.

Suddenly, there was a spark of life in his chest, and the swordsman's heartbeat started again, the sensation of touch returning to his nerves, an overwhelming feeling washing over him as he woke up fully, his unconsciousness vanishing in an instant. He gasped, eyes opening as wide as saucers as the world seemed to register in his brain as if it was all new to him. The still air around him, a chill running through his arms and body, a lingering smell of food, wooden planks under his boots, the thud of two heavy somethings as his fingers uncurled... where... where was he? Was he on-board the Procne?

The explorer tensed as something grasped his forearm, saving him from an inevitable fall as he lurched forward, his aches and stiffness no longer dulled by his clouded senses. The something spoke, whispering. “Woahoh there, steady on. Easy does it now, you've had a rough day and night...”

“Wuh... w-w-wuh...” Skylar's mouth refused to move at first, only letting him make incoherent grunt. It took a few minutes before he remembered how to speak properly. “W-w-where am... w-what's going o-on?”

“Here... come with me,” Was the only reply he got, and he found himself being tugged towards... somewhere. That made his legs finally respond, taking a clumsy stomp forward, staggering along until the friendly something pressed on his back, easing him onto a comfortable set of sheets. He fussed around, shivering against the rather cold linens.

“Where a-am I?” Skylar said, blinking rapidly as his eyes got used to the dark room, and he looked over at the something, which turned out to be a very tired-looking bearded old man, who had taken his glasses off to rub the sleep from his eyes. “This... this isn't the library...”

“Very perceptive of you,” The old man remarked, placing his spectacles back on his nose with a light cough. “You're back in Tharsis, my boy, you're in the Sahrimnir Inn's clinic. I imagine your mind is probably still more than a little muddled, so it'd be best if you just lay back and tried to sleep again.”

“Tharsis!? But we were at the Echoing Library, I heard Hanae yelli- agh...” Skylar blurted out, shooting up from the bed in confusion, but a headache quickly forced him back down onto the pillow with a groan. “Y-yeah... sleep m-might be good... what time i-is it?”

“I believe it's about two in the morning. Good night, hoho! Hawww... my, excuse me...”

The doctor hobbled away before Skylar could respond, and the warrior curled up, falling asleep sooner than he realized.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he woke up again, he found himself staring at a mess of blurry colors, half-shielded by his fluttering eyelids, and the swordsman lay prone on the downy mattress, resting his sore arms on top of the covers as he adjusted to the light streaming into the clinic. He could hear Tharsis bustling through the window behind him, the muted noise helping to keep him from drifting off again. He exhaled mightily, lifting a hand up to wick a line of drool from his mouth, but something soft and lightly fuzzy clasped the appendage. It was a little ticklish, and Skylar had to keep himself from letting out a quiet laugh.

“You're okay... you're okay, Skylar.” A cerise-eyed beastwoman suddenly appeared above him, cerise eyes locking with his, and he smiled, reaching over with his other arm and cleaning himself up. The two only got to enjoy each other's company for scant moments before a heavy plodding drew their attention away. Naomi burst into view, one of her cheeks red, swollen, and hidden by a wet bag of ice.

“So you're finally awake, huh? You took your sweet time, hahaha! You sure you're alright?” The fortress yelled with a laugh, smirking smugly at her teammate, who let his head loll around on his pillow. She walked up next to Hanae, resting her other elbow in her palm.

“I'm... huh?” The swordsman said, furrowing his brow. “What... happened to me? I remember... a little bit. We were at the library and that scorpion had managed to hit me with its tail...”

Both women looked at each other, Hanae uneasily, Naomi still smirking. The former was the one who broke the silence, her tail swishing around in the air, her concerned expression unable to mask the exuberant happiness she was feeling. “Skylar... that scorpion's sting petrified you somehow.”
“Petrified? You mean like... turned to stone?”

Hanae nodded gently, and Skylar ran his fingers through his dark hair, tousling it as the response sank in, letting out a low whistle. Naomi moved her ice bag to her other hand, wiping her drenched gauntlet on the side of her friend's dress; the beastwoman snapped her head over and frowned deeply, startling the knight into taking a shaky step backwards. The bedridden explorer chuckled, earning himself a short glare, and he shook his amusement away, looking back at his other friend.

“But... how? I'm guessing you all brought me back here?” He asked, a near-inaudible gasp escaping him as he tried to inch up into a sitting position, letting his neck bump against the back of the bed's frame. He cocked his head in mild confusion as Hanae bashfully turned away, idly twiddling with her thumbs, but there was a loud series of footsteps elsewhere in the inn that made them all perk up.

“Ah, ah... eh! There you are, Naomi!” Damien crowed as he slammed into the clinic, juggling a deep dish back and forth, Sahra following just a few paces behind. The medic quickly walked over, making a series of odd grunts as he tried to keep from burning himself, his wild hair bouncing with every step. “You didn't have a single bite of your breakfast and since you normally go for seconds and thirds anyway I was wondering if I could have your-”

He stopped when he noticed the swordsman, and he hastily set the plate – of Dalla's vegetable stew, Skylar saw, unable to keep his mouth from watering – onto a nearby chair. “Oh hey, Skylar! You're up, that's great, awesome!”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” The explorer smiled, nodding warmly at his teammate. Naomi trudged over to her food, snatching it up and shoveling some food into her mouth, exaggerating her chewing as she stared Damien down. The medic raised his hands defensively, grinning innocently at the armor-clad woman. Skylar chuckled again, then sucked in a breath as a twinge of pain rippled through his joints, particularly near one of his knees. “Egh... but shoot, I still feel really sore.”

“How the hell'd you even manage to get hit, anyway? Damien's the one who's bad at fighting, not you,” Naomi said crassly, flecks of vegetables flying onto her plate before she managed to gulp down her bite with a hunch of her shoulders. Damien nodded, not offended in the slightest by the knight's remark. “The old man said you'd be stuck here for a few days, so y'know, thanks heaps!”

Skylar shrugged, unable to give an answer, and slumped back onto the bed with a slight moan, wrestling with the sheets as he curled up, pulling his legs towards him. Hanae gingerly seated herself on the side of the mattress, reassuringly rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb; he couldn't help but gaze warmly at the beastwoman in return.

“You got everything done while I was, er, petrified, right? Sold the food we'd picked up, filed a report on... wait, did you find that book that the researcher wanted?” He wondered aloud, relaxing when his friend nodded at him, her long hair shaking against her shoulders. Damien nodded, slinging his satchel around, the leather bag slapping against his stomach, and he dug through his disorganized supplies until he pulled out a small flask. He brandished it above his head with a 'tada!' and a victorious flourish, nearly smacking Sahra on the way up – the sniper stoically dodged under the medic's arm.

Someone coughed deliberately, clearing their throat, and the group of explorers glanced over at the clinic's caretaker, carrying a hefty medical book with a plate of his own on top of it; he was standing a respectful distance away, likely to keep from interrupting the group's discussion. As his friends voiced a hello, Skylar sat still for a moment, then narrowed his eyes, remembering the man as the older doctor from the night before. The swordsman lifted his free hand into the air.

The weak gesture prompted the bearded physician to hobble over to his side, wearing a thoughtful expression as he scanned over the explorer's form. Before Skylar could say anything, the doctor firmly tapped two fingers against his elbows, and he instinctively bent his arms; then he felt a tap on his knee and pulled his leg just a tiny bit closer. Satisfied, the elderly man stepped back and put his breakfast on the floor, letting his book flop open to a random section.

“Hohoho, well, if you're still sore, my boy, then I think you shouldn't really be fidgeting quite so much!” The man joked, clapping in good humor at his patient. Skylar sheepishly smiled; the advice rang true, after all.

“Is there anything else you needed, sir?” Hanae asked, turning towards the doctor, who was catching a quick glimpse into the pages of his book. He double-checked, then closed the cover over, shaking his head as he looked back at the beastwoman.

“Not at the moment, no, but I'll be here all day like I usually am,” He replied, bending down and picking up the plate of stew, taking care not to accidentally knock it over with his foot. He promptly held it out to Skylar, who blinked in mild surprise. “But I'll be testing his joints like that throughout the day every so often. Now go on, eat up before I decide to have it all to myself, hoh!”

“Er... thanks,” Skylar said. Hanae let go of his hand as he reached out and took the food, suddenly realizing just how empty his stomach was.

“You haven't eaten yet, doctor?” Sahra asked, staring sternly at the old man.

“Well, I was about to go and eat, actually!” He grinned back at the young girl, glancing over his shoulder at the five of them as he made for the clinic's door. “I suppose you're already eating, miss Naomi, but the rest of you are welcome to join me if you haven't either, of course!”

“Aw yeah, count me in!” Naomi exclaimed. Skylar's jaw dropped, though he kept his mouth closed, when he saw that the knight's plate was completely clean. Her appetite never ceased to amaze.

The other explorers all shared a mutual look as both the bearded physician and their teammate departed, and Hanae scooted back a little, her hair falling around her shoulders as she shyly bowed her head. Skylar ate a spoonful of stew, sighing as the inn's excellent cooking hit his tongue; Damien's stomach rumbled from the smell of the food, and he spun around the room in confusion, only noticing a few seconds later that he was the source of the sound. Sahra simply stood in silence, adjusting the strap of her goggles that hung around her neck.

“I'll stay here. You two can go on ahead, okay?” Hanae said.

The bushi nodded at Damien as he meekly scratched his neck, and the medic smiled, then bolted, heading off into the rest of the inn, his coat jostling around from the weight of the various medicines he carried with him. Sahra was the last to leave, the door's hinges squeaking as she swung it open, and the young girl stopped in the middle of the doorframe to take one last glance at her teammates. Skylar and Hanae both looked at her expectantly, the former pausing in the middle of his meal to lick his lips.

“Lovebirds.”

The sniper slipped away before either of them could protest, leaving the swordsman and the bushi alone in the clinic. Skylar slowly started to chew again, swallowing and laying his spoon to rest on the plate as he watched a flustered Hanae try to form a response and fail, wringing her fists in her lap. He reached out and playfully poked her belly, barking out a laugh when she yipped in surprise.

“So, uh... heh,” He started to speak, trailing off as his teammate gazed demurely at him, one of her ears twitching cutely. The warrior hid his awkward pause well by scooping up another quick nibble of stew, letting out a refreshed exhale as he finished. “...aren't you hungry, Hanae?”

“U-uh? Oh...” Hanae brushed her bangs back behind her, and Skylar thought he could see a deep blush forming underneath her cream-furred cheeks. “I... A little, I guess.”

The swordsman furrowed his brow, gathering up some food and offering the spoon to her. The beastwoman sitting near him gave him a small smile and took the utensil from his grasp, sending a pleasant, indescribable happiness through him. As she ate, he spoke up again. “Once... you said I got petrified, I figured that you did fine without me yesterday. What all happened while I was out?”

This time, he was the one to reach over and clasp her free hand, and she closed her eyes. “Well...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some days later...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skylar jumped as a round iron ball thudded into the floor where he had been standing mere moments before, throwing chunks of ruined tile up into the air. He cautiously watched the strange automaton, which wobbled towards him on tiny legs, the blue crystal embedded in its forehead shining a beam of light that almost perfectly tracked the warrior's movements. Raising his sword, he focused hard, hearing the blood pump in his ears, waiting until his weapon started to audibly spark with electricity before he readied a mighty blow.

Suddenly, with a fierce warcry, Naomi barreled into the fray, charging at the robot with her shield raised, knocking it off of the ground and pushing it until she could push no more. She hastily turned her head around, eyes widening as she stared back at her startled teammate, and the fortress jabbed out with her hammer, giving him a loud grunt. Skylar spun around and yelped at the scorpion's pincer aiming for his face, smacking it away with his shield; the monster reared up and whipped its tail forward, but the swordsman stepped out of the appendage's reach, waiting for a chance to strike.

The chance never seemed to come, however, as the scorpion continued a relentless assault with its tail and claws, hardened chitin clattering endlessly against the explorer's shield, leaving no safe opening for a counterattack. It fell into an easy, almost rhythmic pattern that he began to count off in his head: one sound of a pincer on metal, a second sound of a pincer on metal, then he took another step back, letting the creature's stinger hit the stone underfoot. First pincer, second pincer, a step back. One, two, step. One, two, step.

It was almost like dancing, he thought. Was this why Hanae seemed to be good at dodging and countering in the blink of an eye? Maybe there was more to her graceful movements than he realized.

Skylar was rudely flung out of his thoughts as the scorpion changed its tune, grabbing the bottom of his shield with both claws and throwing them up, and the swordsman cried out in surprise, his arm twisting at an awkward angle and flipping over his head. The man berated himself inwardly for getting caught off-guard, bracing himself as the monster scuttled forward, closing in for the kill.

“Sahra, now!” The yell accompanied an arrow that flew in from the left, piercing through the tip of the scorpion's tail with a sickening noise, the sacs of venom inside of it popping from within, practically exploding all over the monster's body. Skylar flinched at the sight of the mutilated stinger, turning away in disgust, and he glanced over at Hanae and Sahra, who dashed towards the wounded monster, the former drawing her katana and calling out to her friend. “Skylar, your sword!”

The explorer tightened his grip on his weapon and forced himself to look back at the scorpion afterward, biting back a retch as he kicked off, stabbing his electrified blade above his opponent's jaws; he felt more than a little satisfied as the monster started to hiss and buzz from the sparks that coursed through its body. He sidled away and watched as Hanae followed up his attack, swatting the scorpion with the flat of her blade, a lance of linked lightning hitting its underbelly and sending it flailing into the air, landing upside-down a short distance away. Sahra split off to flank the monster, one hand at her quiver.

Skylar stopped in his tracks as he bumped into Damien, and the wild-haired man carefully picked up his shield arm, giving it a quick checkup. It didn't feel like it hurt, and the medic seemed to agree, letting it drop back down to the warrior's side. “That was a pretty clever idea that it came up with, wasn't it? It's not sprained or broken or anything, though.”

“Yeah, I thought it was alright...” Skylar started to say, but Hanae waved to get their attention, and they watched as the scorpion managed to right itself, glaring furiously at the four explorers. Skylar shrugged his shoulders and walked to the beastwoman's side, nudging her and smiling before placing a palm on his sword.

Naomi's bellow took everyone by surprise, including the scorpion, which was abruptly crushed underneath the weight of an armored automaton as it tripped over the creature, the light on its forehead dimming until it had died completely. The knight that had stampeded into the robot yelped as she tripped along with it, metal scraping against its breastplate as she slid onto the floor, her tower shield turning into a makeshift sled. Sahra was the first to get her bearings back, circling around to survey both foes; Skylar and Hanae were next, and they ran over to their teammate, helping pull the fortress to her feet.

“Thanks, you two,” Naomi said with a nod, her armor clanking as she stomped around and retrieved her shield, taking a few seconds to dust it off. “If that's what these imperial assholes have guarding this place, then they better think about getting some better goddamn guards, hah!”

As Damien jogged over and started to patch the woman up, Skylar sat down on the tiled floor, looking around at the towering bookcases as he caught his breath – Hanae did the same, sheathing her blade before she lowered herself next to the swordsman, resting her head against his. Sahra called out to them from the pair of corpses, and they peered at the girl as she stood up, shaking her head.

“There's nothing I could possibly scavenge from either of them,” The sniper put plainly, shouldering her bow before she continued. “But in case any of you were still wondering, the scorpion is definitely dead.”

Skylar sighed, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Thanks for checking.”

Hi guys!

So, I dunno of you know this, but I am hosting "The Frozen YTP Collab" on my channel. It's also my first ever collab! I was wondering if any of you here would like to join.

If so, here are the rules:
1. Entry length must range from 0:30 -- 4:00
2. Video must have a watermark
3. Main source should be any clip from "Frozen" 2013
4. Use any video editing software EXCEPT WMM AND YTE
5. (Optional) Try to use a clip other than "Let it Go."
6. SpaDinner is allowed, but no more than 2 jokes.
7. All pooping styles are welcome! Just don't use so much ear rape.
8. PM to me when you're done.
9. The deadline is September 25th. I'll also accept any late entries by October 1st.

So far I have little participants here's who they are:
-RyanYTP (host) (done!)
-Tartorsauce
-EkremsYTPPalace
-ElkeChan (done!)
-Serra Ora
-Frozen Cereal (maybe)
-mattgtv
-MFC (done!)

Here's the link if you're interested in joining:


Join now!

So I was browsing the internet today when the news came that actor and comedian Robin Williams has sadly passed away. Like everyone who has seen his movies, TV shows, and/or stand-up, I was shocked, as I happen to think of him as a great actor and comedian in his own right.

He originally got his start as Mork on the TV show Mork & Mindy for Paramount Pictures in the late 1970s. It would not be until 1980 he would star in his first motion picture, Popeye, where he played the title role. Nowadays, the movie is considered cheesy as all fuck, but you can definitely tell that Robin was having a great time as the lead character in the movie.

After that, he had his fair share of mediocre movies, but then he rose to fame when he starred in pictures like Good Morning, Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, and Hook, and it was then people were starting to notice his true star power in the movies.

In 1992, he did the voice of the Genie in the Disney movie Aladdin, which was the first Robin Williams picture I'd ever see, and he was perfect for the part, as he served as a motivator, supporter, and comic relief for the main character, despite not appearing until at least 20 minutes into the movie. According to IMDB, it is said that he recorded over 6 hours of material for the character, some of which was deemed inappropriate for a G-rated film, however, he did not stop gushing out material. The same year, Steven Spielberg was working on the controversial film Schindler's List for Universal Pictures, and during the making of film, Spielberg would call up Mr. Williams to entertain the crew members via speakerphone to cheer them up from making a depressing, yet poignant movie.

A year later, he would star in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire as Daniel Hillard, a man who wants to be with his children whilst going through a messy divorce, and the only way he could see them is to become a female nanny. This was the second Robin Williams picture I'd see, and I was around 4 or 5 at that point, a bit too young for a PG-13 movie. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the film.

Pretty much every single performance in a Robin Williams film is practically solid to an extent, even if some of the movies he was in were shit (Patch Adams, Jack, Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest). He still managed to entertain audiences with his enthusiasm and good will, and a lot of his movies today are considered timeless gems of cinema, my favorites being Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire.

Robin Williams was also best known for his stand-up comedy, which was raunchy and entertaining. He wrote all of his material, and he would also improvise in front of a large audience, and let me tell you that he was one of the greatest, if not, THE greatest comedic improviser that ever lived. He loved it because he's making people laugh, and that alone made him feel great as a comedian.

Williams was a family man, too. He was married and helped give birth to three daughters. One of his daughters is named Zelda, which he named after Princess Zelda from...well...The Legend of Zelda obviously. He was a huge fan of the series, and he also happened to be a huge fan of the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, which was also interesting. Not only this, but he was a huge supporter of charities for disabled children and cures for cancer.

Today, all of Hollywood mourns the death of Mr. Williams, who, as I mentioned, is survived by his wife and three daughters. He died this morning from asphyxiation. Film and stage actor, comedian, and one great human being. He was 63.

My thoughts and heart go out to Mr. Williams' family, friends, and co-workers who were honored to have worked with him throughout the years. May he rest in peace, and God bless him and his family.

R.I.P. Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Hi, it's me again, PapaGonzales, back briefly exactly one year after I left this site. I never really gave a reason as to why I left in the first place, so let me explain that I just became way to busy with college, and this forum was a huge distraction to me, so I cut YouChew out of my life and I've found that I've gained a lot more time to myself out of it--now that I'm no longer preoccupied with what goes on here. It's better for me if I don't come back and reintegrate myself on YouChew, because it's just not worth it. I am pleased to see that the community has remembered me fondly for the most part, even though I acted stupid many times. Although I don't care to be in the larger YouChew society anymore, I do miss my old circle of online friends here. I've gotten into Tumblr recently and it seems like the perfect way for me to stay updated on my old YouChew friends. I have a new account made: papagonzalez.tumblr.com ("PapaGonzalez", with a 'z' at the end, not an 's'). Follow me and I will follow back. I have nothing there right now, but I will definetely post there regulalry and interact with the people I follow. It'll be just like old times.

So really, that's all, I moved to Tumblr. Follow me if you want. My blog again is papagonzalez.blogspot.com. Adios, YouChew.

Oh brother, now we're getting into the juicy part of the list!

10. The Granite Family



I'm starting this part of the list with an episode from the Something You Know Whatever season again? Huh...anyways, the episode centers around a Flintstones-like show with the eponymous title which Master Shake doesn't enjoy because of how his environment doesn't resemble that of the show. So like any sane person, he goes into the president's office and launches nukes to Russia, starting WWIII. Most of the episode is with the Aqua Teens being with Carl in his bunker, as Meatwad finds himself scared and Carl continues to bring his aesthetic of hair metal and love for drinking even in the midst of an attack. Master Shake constantly references the show, making remarks like how he brings a dead bird and uses it as a recorder and how it should say something funny about it's day job. What's more amusing than the stab at the classic Hanna-Barbara production is when you bring in the character of Time Warner who has a Porky-Pig esque voice and a fox who mostly goes woo-hoo. The whole dialogue that Time Warner has with the characters makes this episode for me, and the ending itself is incredibly fitting for the situation.

9. Bookie



Something I've noticed is that when this show pins someone as the pain pinata, it's always a blast to see the misery that ensues. I mean they're food, you can't feel sorry for food. And much less Master Shake, because as much as he's a loveable dick, he's still a dick. How does he get himself in harm's way? Well, it all starts with Meatwad showing off his magic skills. Carl finds himself impresed by the sword-swallowing and the fact that Meatwad swallows beans and craps out a cup of coffee (teacup and all), squirts out some foam and a tip jar as well as projecting a bunch of darts to a spinning wheel with balloons and Frylock tied on to it. But at the same time he wonders where the sword went, making Master Shake continue to insist that Meatwad's trick is lame/gay/completely fake/etc. Carl says he has a trick of his own that he can do, but Master Shake thinks he's bluffing and bets Carl that he couldn't do the trick. And the rest of the episode is Master Shake making really bad wagers at a gambling center (not a casino mind you) and getting his ass kicked by some thugs. Along the same road, Meatwad is scoring big with the bets he's making and finally gets to prove to Master Shake what he's made of.

8. Zucotti Manacotti



The last episode from Season 9 to be on this list, Zucotti Manacotti really has only one reason for being here. Is it the great puppets? No. Is it the amusing intro? No. Is it because it's the "who's the imposter" scenario done in the style of the Aqua Teen show? Nope. It's because Zucotti Manacotti is voiced by a guy who sounds like Black Dynamite. I actually did talk to the voice actor on Twitter once I made the mistake of saying that he sounded like Michael Jai White, and it turned out that he does cover for him on the animated show. You might just say that simply because a character sounds like some really cool character from another property that it doesn't just make it a reason to be on the list. And while I think there's a lot more to the episode that makes it great, such as how obsessed Meatwad gets with the show, how Master Shake fucks with Meatwad with the Zucotti Manacotti handpuppet he gets for Christmas, and the tests that Meatwad uses to determine who's the real Zucotti, just think about it. Here we have a puppet character voiced by a damn good imitation of a badass blaxploitation parody/homage character. How can you not the deep voice and the way he talks back throughout the whole thing. It just brings a smile to my face to see the bizarre combination work.

7. Dumber Dolls/Rubberman



Now the last two times I had another episode lumped onto a spot it was because they had the same character and it was too tough to just separate it. In this case, it's that they have similar characters and it was too tough to separate it. I think everyone knows the Dumber Dolls episode for Happy Time Harry who, ironically, is this depressed, despicable has-been whose comedy works more on the anti-humor slant. No? Oh...then do you remember the episode because of Jiggle Billy? His hilarious design and how all he wants to do is commence the jiggling? Of course! Actually to be fair, I'm sure that people are also aware of Happy Time Harry as Harry is pretty integral in not only depressing Meatwad but also making Jiggle Billy doubt his self-worth and make him commit suicide. Again, there's a dark edge inserted but with the absurdity of the situation, your nervous laughter soon becomes more calm. The episode should have really just been just those two dolls because they hold it up so well with how they act, but the other character still keep in amusing with their remarks on the situation.



With that in mind, what makes Rubberman fit to be on this spot if it's less recognizable than Dumber Dolls? Well, aside from how the two involve Meatwad making a friend who's a bad influence on them, it's just as entertaining. Meatwad starts a recycling program and then decides makes a duck out of used condoms, needles, a crack pipe and empty bottles of beer. He manages to bring the creature to life by putting on a special hat-lamp that belongs to Carl (even though Frylock greatly warned him from doing so). And just like Frosty the Snowman, the being (named Lance Potter) is alive and a merry tune plays as they have themselves a wonderful adventure of buying crack on the street, killing a homeless man for his money and sawing off limbs so that Lance can become more human. Again, much like Zucotti Manacotti, what makes this episode great is the voice of the supporting character whom you tag along with throughout the whole thing. The voice being Donn Kennedy and he does a fantastic job of making Lance both a chummy friend of all as well as a disgruntled sailor-type psychotic. Along with that there's the music that plays which has some of the silliest yet greatest lyrics out of an Aqua Teen song ever...excluding of course the movie. For me to choose one over the other is a crime, both are worth it.

6. Larry Miller Hair System



Okay, I know what you're thinking. "You're going to say that this episode is great because of the voice of Larry Miller, one of your favorite comedian cameos, aren't ya?" For a minute, I'd say you pegged me from the start with this choice, but guess what? There was something more that made the episode for me. Now don't get me wrong, seeing an episode where Larry Miller introduces himself to Carl by talking about all the cameos he's done and Carl then talks about Martin Lawrence films is neat. Seeing one where Larry Miller uses a hair system scam to add more fire to his severe gambling problem and then bolts out of a van to get another fix from the casino is a gut-buster for me. That alone makes this great, but it's taken to a new level when you have Carl viewing an alternate universe version of himself where he is a wholesome family man with an innocent-as-heck wife and manages to sleep in different beds and also has a full set of hair. The utter pleasantness of the situation frustrates Carl to the point where he convinces his alternate universe self to become more assertive, aggressive and wild. So in fact, this episode has Carl making another Carl more like Carl. Not only is it ingenious to have a character view his alternate self and force that self to become more like him but it's also hilarious to see the polar opposite of Carl reflected to himself and seeing how Carl reacts to his bizarro. Larry Miller is a joy, but the plot is an absolute riot.

5. Dusty Gazongas



For number 5, I was going to do the same thing as number 7 and just have two episodes with similar concepts. This was going to also have Jumpy George in it, since both of them involve Master Shake and Carl unsuccessfully wooing a woman of the opposite sex. While I love Jumpy George for having the Mooninites and a good amount of funny moments, it felt a little too much for me. I have no problem with a lot more crazy shit happening in the episode but it doesn't have the same vibe as other work. It's hard to explain it...but what isn't is that the love interest in Dusty Gazongas is more interesting. I don't just say that because Dusty is the only character in the show that I would remotely want to bang (Tera Patrick is a close second and the mermaid's an even closer third), but because she manages to combine the stupid and slutty elements of her character very well.

With Jumpy George, the woman was just like a single mom who was really boring and as much as Carl and Master Shake would want to bang anything with a good figure, it just makes little sense. Sure, complaining about something not making sense in this show is illogical but consider how Dusty Gazongas is a lot more in line with the environment and appeal of the two characters. She's a social worker with a trashy outfit which seems typical of the destitute-of-class urban setting. She keeps forgetting to fix the issue and re-enacts her stripper routine. And she's got a lot more going for her if you know what I mean. It's absolutely perfect for Carl and Master Shake to fight for her and the ways the two try to get her in bed are delightful. From cutting power cords, to making a path of rose petals and having a baseball bat wang to tricking her into thinking the light is broken when really all it is off and she's not smart enough to notice it, all the tricks are beyond embarrassing if applied to a real life setting but knee-slappers in the episode itself. And of course we can't forget the integral part the wrench had in the whole thing.

4. Super Bowl



Ah, the Super Bowl. The one time people get all hyped up for some backwards event involving a ball going to one end of a field from the middle. How in the world are Aqua Teen going to tackle this? Hmm...why don't we have Meatwad win these tickets by eating a Doritos like snack and have Master Shake kiss ass to him to get those tickets? Why don't we also have Carl do the same because we all know that he practically breathes the sport and have the comedy ensue from how hard he's trying to play nice with a character that he very much can not tolerate under normal circumstances? And just to top it off, let's have the inclusion of Boxy Brown, a box with a foxy attitude similar to that of Shaft...because why not? It's pretty much the way that the episode should go and it delivers, especially how Shake has both a lot of restraint and yet none at all when it comes to seeing the Super Bowl. It has one of the best payoffs to the whole dilemma as it puts Shake in one of the most teeth-grating positions of his whole life.

3. Handbanana



Probably one of the most quoted episodes aside from anything to do with the Mooninties, the Plutonians or Jiggle Billy, Handbanana takes the Carlin approach to the touchy subject matter of rape. A dog whose made out of Master Shake's hand becomes the new pet of the Aqua Teens. Handbanana is adored by the Aqua Teens but makes a threatening remark to Carl along the lines of "when the sky is darkened by the approach of dusk, you". Carl doesn't understand the remark but when he's visited by him at his house unannounced, he realizes the meaning. It's such a fucked up episode because you're laughing at rape, one of the worst things in the world. Much like the Carlin bit though, the humor doesn't come from the act but the idea of something absurd raping something equally as absurd. The way that Carl finds himself in the rape situations as well as how he tries to prevent it and warn the Aqua Teens about the issue along with the things that Handbanana says, while creepy, are made funny by the cliche "slimy pervert" voice that oozes out of him are what keep this episode going. Carl's final resort is probably one of the best scenes with the character in the whole show.

2. Hypno-Germ



Hypno-Germ is a spectacular episode, you can just tell that by the fact that it's a very low number. Something that I find interesting about this episode though is that it's brilliance comes not from the Aqua Teens but from a completely irrelevant part in the episode. The concept is that Master Shake gets infected with hypno-germs, germs that make him hallucinate and tell him to do downright insane things. He talks to the wall, a file cabinet, files and a basketball in the typical non-sequitors the show thrives on and then does a show for a bunch of file cabinets as he breaks through the floor. He ends up on the middle of the street, as traffic goes by him and he has garbage all over himself. It would have been a fun episode but you'd just think it's too stonery to make a fuss about it. But before you leave, you then see a zoom into his eye. And then what ensues is an amateur production of Rapunzel with nose hair, Mexican jumping beans, missed lines, the Hulk (not the one you're thinking off), a wizard, a zombie and the voice of Dan Halen going through the mess of a story that is laid before you. At that moment you know that what you've witnessed was not only the most surreal moment of the episode and the most surreal episode of the show but also the most surreal thing in the whole of [as]. You find yourself laughing but also taken aback to how the choices made were not only incredibly questionable but worked so well to make the collage of mindfuckery that was bestowed upon you. Clearly, nothing can top this.

AND NOW FOR THE THING THAT TOPS IT.

1. Gee Whiz



I could just post a bunch of videos of laughter as well as type out a huge wall with nothing but HA repeated as nauseum, but I'm better than that...for now. As you can tell though, the main reason I choose this episode is because of how much I was chuckling throughout the whole thing. The story is that Meatwad gets pregnant around the highway and thinks that it was by the hand of Jesus since many people have sighted the son of god on the billboard. That's enough to make the story funny, but what's even better is how the episode is a big ol' fuck you to censorship by having George Lowe make a video about standard practices which involves shooting a nun and having her bleed a rainbow. This then makes any swears in the episode be replaces with a whole slew of sound effects (which isn't that strange for the show) and a giant red X when the sound plays. This gets highlighted when Meatwad overeats like mad and then fires off at his roommates for not getting any ice cream. It's not only what he says that puts me in stitches, it's the selection of sounds that fire off as he yells at them. I couldn't stop crying and when I did I had an indoor pool. And that's not even taking into consideration who's Meatwad's daddy, who was on the billboard and how the episode ends. It managed to summarize the idiosyncratic nature of the show but more than that, it was funny as fuck. That to me, is what makes this the greatest Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode.

So that's my choices. Please note that just because any other episode didn't appear on this list doesn't mean I didn't like the others. It was a tough choice and I really love a lot of the episodes. Which is to be expected for this show. Not necessarily because it's a great show (even though it is) but because there's very little you can do wrong with a show like this. Even TV Show Show, which I would say is the more weaker of the new seasons, has some brilliant moments. Sure, it's relatively cheap humor, but it's the good kind of cheap humor. See you later.

I've already posted about this over in the Poop Talk forum, but I figure I may as well go on another semi-tangent about it here.

So if there's one thing I will never understand, it's how this one particular video of mine got such a ridiculous amount of views and likes in a matter's time.



Every time I look back on it, I always think, "How does something so stupid and hastily made get that big a following?"
Literally, all I did was just take a Green and Purple mashup I did (with help from me mate, HerrVarden, I should note) and slapped together a quote/unquote music video for it. Granted, I at least like how I edited it all together, but I still don't think it's anything worth raising a glass too.

Part of this also has to do with my misunderstanding of this Internet's fascination with Donkey Kong/Dink/whatever the hell these people call him; that, and the similar meme-ification of Shrek. Like, what is it about those two entities that's brought on such phenomenons? If someone could educate me, I'd gladly give that man/woman/thing props.

But hey. I guess I shouldn't bitch much about it; after all, the aforementioned video is at least the most viewed on my channel, and most of the comments it gets are amusing to read. So I s'pose I should just cherish its fame while it lasts.

And 'fore I sign off, I'm also going to run some adspace for Varden.
https://www.youtube.com/user/HerrVarden
G'won and drop a sub his way if ya can. He deserves it, and I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

Cheers for now,
Shadzify~

I should have posted this up a while back but due to a string of circumstances beyond my control I never got the chance to do so. Anyway, a while back I went to Brickfair 2014 and I took some photos of some of the awesome creations people put up for display. Here are some of the pictures:

Well, thats all of them. Sorry if some of them were really blurry but I'm not that much of a camera man. T_T
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this very very very late blog entry and I hope you all liked some of the pictures too!

Cheers,
-VentXekart

EDIT: Forgot to post a few more (For some reason the image media HTML isn't working for these images):
https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/468x624q90/540/9flLEH.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/468x624q90/910/cdTA85.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/468x624q90/905/5pjXgR.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/832x624q90/540/Gb9CrB.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/832x624q90/661/wZG6Ll.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/468x624q90/538/BnrwYd.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/832x624q90/540/lsh5xO.jpg

https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/832x624q90/904/S03LvF.jpg

Right, let’s start from the top
So you say that you were here before
Well, no one else was aware of this
No matter, we can help you
So what is it that you’ve lost?
Wait, back up for a moment
Again, please I have to be sure
Stop it, you can’t be serious here
Oh, this is not good
Right, rewind this a bit
So you’re telling me that it happened
No one has been affected before
Well, a first for everything
Again, revisit the scene
Stop, could you repeat that again?
Oh, so it was the big man?
No way, now you are joking
Wait right here, I’ll be with you again
Again I must think you are insane
Oh, it seems I’m wrong
No good can come of this
Well, I’ll take your word for it
So be careful out there
No one is safe out there I guess
Oh, how the times have changed
So lost have we become
Again, we’re in barbaric times
Right is no longer existent

I've been straightening up my room recently, and I found another report I made for a college writing course. I've gotten an A for this report, and my teacher, who also teaches American Film history, was very interested in reading this, and I pretty much have him to thank for getting me interested in film history in general. So here's the report I did.

DISCLAIMER: This analysis report may contain spoilers on different movies and cartoon shorts that I bring up herein, so if you haven't seen a particular western film or western-themed cartoon I talk about, you might as well stop reading. Otherwise, if you don't care about all that, go right on ahead. Just don't bitch and moan to me if a certain movie moment is ruined for you.

An Analysis on the Western

by Tom Newton

Motion pictures have been hailed as a celebrated art form for generations, and it served as a new form of storytelling that allows experienced filmmakers, and even newcomers, to create movies based on their imaginations dating back to the 1890s and the invention of the motion picture camera. More and more people have made it to the big Hollywood studios like Warner Brothers or Universal, or just made it to independent studios to create many different movies and shorts in different genres, from slapstick comedy to the gripping drama. One of the earliest genres of film is the good ol' fashioned western.

What is a western?

A western is a genre of film that usually takes place in the late 1800s in a small suburban town or a farm in the middle of the desert where anyone would carry a revolver pistol, bandits and thugs were commonplace, and the only forms of transportation were horseback, wagon train, or one of the first locomotives ever invented. The invention of the western dates back to 1910, when films were starting to become recognized as a true art form. The formula of a traditional western goes like this: A bad guy appears terrorizing people, and a hero, usually a sheriff-like figure or bounty hunter, steps in to save the day, they duel in the middle of the town by drawing their guns at high noon (12:00 PM), and the hero claims victory and rides off into the sunset, all while facing conflicts and following a storyline audiences can follow. Three examples I can think of that follow this formula include Robert Bradbury's Rainbow Valley (1935/Monogram), John Farrow's Hondo (1953/Warner Brothers), and George Stevens' Shane (1953/Paramount). However, western movies tend to change in terms of formula, such as inserting more romance, action, or suspense if the story calls for it. Westerns would normally be filmed in the Southern United States, Mexico, or with Spaghetti Westerns (next section), Italy or Spain. Westerns of any kind have depicted heroes we as a na audience we can relate to and villains we just love to hate time and time again, and even to this day, audiences continue to watch the classic all-American hero fighting for the rights of others and for justice whether it was in the middle of the town or in the middle of a New Mexico desert, to name some examples.

In the 1950s, filmmakers, critics, and audiences alike would debate on what really makes a western and what makes it qualify as one. To the average viewer, a western involves the hero battling against thieves and scoundrels in order to save a town or a farmer's land. Paramount's 1953 classic Shane would be an example of the all-true American western since it follows these qualities to a T, because it follows a storyline in the old west that involves a farmer being extorted for his land, and the main character, Shane (What'd you think his name was? Gerald?), sticks with the farmer and his family and plans to fight off the men who are trying to get their land through mortgage loopholes. This would further the debate on what makes a western and what makes it a take-off of one.

Take Fred Zimmerman's High Noon (1952/United Artists) for instance. What makes it different from other western films is that the only gunfight in the entire picture happens at the near end of the movie, while the rest of the film involves a sheriff questioning himself whether he should leave the town to the newly-appointed sheriff and go on a honeymoon with his newlywed wife, or stay and fight off the bad guy at...well...high noon. At the time the movie was released, John "The Duke" Wayne himself stated that the film was not a true western like Shane or his movie The Searchers (1956/Warner Brothers), but more of a romantic drama that takes place in a western setting to hide its true colors. As a response, he and director Howard Hawks made the film Rio Bravo (1959/Warner Brothers). Even with all that, I personally feel the late John Wayne has missed the point of a western when he made that statement. The reason why I say that is that a western (and pretty much any movie in general) must have one main ingredient: CONFLICT. In Shane, the main character comes across the antagonists, who are several men who want to take over a homesteader's land. In The Wild Bunch (1969/Warner Brothers), a group of bandits are being chased by a posse arranged by a railroad company. Finally, in High Noon, a retired sheriff learns that a notorious bandit thirsty for blood is arriving in his town and he has to decide whether to stay or not. These three films illustrate conflicts that westerns are known for. Not every western had to have several gunfights in it to qualify, and that's what gave the genre variety. To this day, High Noon has been hailed as one of the greatest films of the genre for this reason. However, westerns really began to change in content later in the 20th century. Newcomers came into the helm, stars of classic westerns would eventually become film directors, and westerns started to become more gritty and violent, and in this case, it all started with the spaghetti western.

The Spaghetti Western

The spaghetti western is a sub-genre of the western genre where the films are made by Italian directors. They would mainly be filmed in Italy or Mexico, though the stories themselves would most of the time take place in the southern United States, with some taking place during place during the Civil War or Mexican Revolution. A spaghetti western would follow similar traits to a standard western; however, the director would attempt to try something different with the formula that American filmmakers haven't tried yet (keep in mind the Hays code was still active throughout the 30s, 40s, 50s, and the early 60s). Spaghetti westerns would often depict the main character as a bounty hunter, a gang of ruffians, or a professional gunfighter hell-bent on revenge against his enemies, or hunting down a bandit with a hefty reward on his head. A most common change in a spaghetti western is how the gunfights and duels are played out on-screen. A duel in a spaghetti western would be slow and/or highly suspenseful, a la Sergio Leone's The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly (1966/United Artists)., while a gun duel in a standard would be quick and no holds barred a la Zimmerman's High Noon. While gunfights in both types of westerns look similar when seen on screen, the difference is that spaghetti westerns are more gritty and graphic, such as more blood being shed or seeing the killing shot on a newly-made corpse. However, in an American-made western picture, thanks to the Hays code, we see little to no blood. We just see the bad guy (or bad guys) fall straight to the ground. Eventually, after the abolition of the Hays code, the American western would become just as graphic and gritty, starting with Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch, which had more bullets fired in it than Ronald F. Maxwell's Civil War epic Gettysburg (1993/Warner Brothers). The movie was notorious for its violent content and massive amounts of bloodshed throughout the picture. In fact, at the time of release, when the MPAA film rating system was just implemented, the film was considered for an X rating, but was toned down to an R rating. But even in the 1990s on its re-release, it was threatened with an NC-17 rating (the highest you can go, and one over an R rating), but filmmakers like Martin Scorsese prevented that from being carried out. But that's another story.

Spaghetti westerns gave the genre some variety and unique examples in pacing, and it had audiences question whether these were classified as classic westerns or just blatant examples of violent cinema, despite the fact that a good amount of these films were released under American studios such as United Artists or Paramount Pictures for U.S. distribution and star American actors like Clint Eastwood (the Dollars trilogy) or Charles Bronson (Once Upon a Time in the West [1968/Paramount]) in the leading roles. Today, they serve as some prime examples of their respective genre.

The Prize or Goal of a Western

In any western, there are normally several goals that the main character has to accomplish depending on how the story is played out. These goals include bringing a bandit to justice, saving the town or farmland from a group of vandals, and claiming a fortune, just to name a few examples. The films would usually end with the hero getting the girl, celebrate with the town's residents on justice being finally served, or riding into the sunset. Even an homage to movie westerns like Gore Verbinski's Rango (2011/Paramount) would usually bring these elements to the table. The goal of any movie, western or not, is to attract and entertain an audience, while at the same time, tell a story that keeps the audience's attention. If a movie doesn't do any of these, the film is not doing its job and the director may not know a damn thing about what it is he's supposed to be doing. Thankfully, with most westerns, directors know how to bring suspense and tension to an audience through careful camerawork, executing an emotional storyline through planning and organization, and expertly choreographed gunfights that gets one's adrenaline pumping as they sit in the movie theatre or living room. Not to mention, the excellent cinematography when you see panning shots of deserts, canyons, and mountain ranges.

The Music

If there's one thing a moviegoer would automatically know about westerns, it's that one can tell a film is one by just listening to the musical score. Whether it'd be renditions of old western folk tunes like "Bury Me Not On the Old Prairie" or "Red River Valley" (with the exception of The Grapes of Wrath [1940/Fox]), one could identify a western by listening to the notable musical cues in the overture at the beginning of the picture or by identifying the instruments that are emphasized more in the musical score (i.e. harmonica/accordion, solo trumpet, etc.). Composers like Ennio Morricone have been well known of defining what types of music fits a certain scene. If it was an epic gunfight, a composer would incorporate more trumpets, guitars, and a vocal chorus into the score. If it was romantic, a composer would throw in more violins and pianos into the mix. Or in the case with the opening credits or epic hero moments, the emphasis of an upbeat tempo and energy. Numerous tracks have become famous using this concept. In the case of Ennio Morricone, the heavy metal group Metallica would perform certain excerpts from his music in concert performances, such as the tune entitled "The Ecstasy of Gold" from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. An audience would know that a movie's musical score is mind-blowing if the music comes at them at full force. What I mean by that is that the music is so triumphant that it feels like you're watching an epic movie like Quo Vadis (1953/MGM) or Ben-Hur (1959/MGM).

Spoofs and Tributes

From the 1930s to the 1970s, westerns became popular enough to garner a huge following, and each successful western made the studios more money in the box office more than an MGM musical or a 3-4 hour epic. To this day, filmmakers pay homage or spoof the classics by making a feature-length spoof/tribute film, most notably Blazing Saddles (1972/Warner Brothers), Rango, which I just mentioned earlier, and, in the case with kids movies, An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (1991/Universal). They would also take the music of a western and apply it to a dramatic scene in another movie, such as Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004/Miramax), or make a cartoon short that takes place in a western setting and mimics numerous moments found in western films such as gun duels and saloon fights. For example, the Warner Brothers shorts featuring the character Yosemite Sam is mostly seen as a classic stereotype of the tough western outlaw with a big mouth and itchy trigger fingers. Some other examples include Homesteader Droopy (1954/MGM), which parody the constant attacks on settling homesteaders or claimers, and Hot Noon (or 12 O'Clock for Sure) (1953/Universal), which parodies the idea of a sheriff and a notorious bandit dueling at noon in the middle of town.

Conclusion

The western genre has evolved as time went on, and has since been more gritty, violent, and epic altogether. This could be the reason why films like Shane, The Wild Bunch, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, among others are regarded as classics in the movie industry. Many a director has taken inspiration from these films at least once and applying one of the key aspects of a western into their own films, such as Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas, Sam Raimi, or even the great Akira Kurosawa. The western is a key genre in the movie industry, and to this day, it continues to grow with new titles and storylines, and it also continues to garner new generations through re-releases and broadcasts on channels like Turner Classic Movies. As a filmmaker, you can learn a lot from these films, such as pacing, suspense, tension, and character development. With that in mind, pop in a classic western and see what makes most of these films memorable.


So that's my report. Feel free to share your thoughts.