You ever been so pissed you didn't know what you were pissed at? ...no I don't mean drunk, I mean angry. My whole day has been consumed with thoughts of beating the hell out of everything except my wife and cat, because I'm pretty sure I'd have a lifetime of regret over it.
Uh, I mean.. feeling guilty if I were beating my wife and cat, not.. the other way around.. damned English..
I'll admit that I've been in fights before, but it's never been one I've initiated because for all intents and purposes of this shit I'm writing, I'm a fucking pussy. Okay, I lied, I decked a guy in sixth grade, but that doesn't count. Besides, he followed me after school for a few days and, because I'm faster, I ended up at my grandma's house faster than he could get to me, most of the time, which means soon as he caught me, he decked me back.
I was going somewhere with this.. RIGHT! Rage! It's not a feeling I normally get, because I normally don't feel pretty much anything. Believe I've mentioned my dysthymia before.. anyway, the reason this feeling is weird is because I have these weird spurts where one day everything snaps, and I feel some emotion so god-damned strongly, it takes everything I have to not give in to it. Today would be one of those days. I've gone through about seven keyboards now.
Okay, well, I was joking, sorry.. well, at least about the keyboards. The rage is definitely a thing though. And if, before I get to my points, you stop and wonder, "How is he so full of rage if he's typing?" HAVE YOU NO CONCEPT OF THE INTERNET, YOU PROLE?! That's where you vent, maybe are racist, and look up horrible videos that your family would no doubt chastise you about, if they knew you looked at them. I've been thinking about introducing my grandmother to the internet, because she still thinks Jesus was an actual thing and also that cell phones are horribly complicated, just so I can fuck her mind up, but, then again, I'm a terrible person, so.. I digress.
Anyway.. this rage thing.. I'm usually pretty good at the introspection thing, and especially the self-introspection variety, because it keeps my crazy from leaking out into the real world on days like today, where it's like I actually had a bacon sandwich I didn't like, and decided to murder the internet for lying to me - except there was no bacon sandwich, and no one lying to me, and obviously no murder because, hey, you can't blame fictional sandwiches for your problems.
I guess I can.. somewhat surmise what this might stem from, and it's just a metric fuckton of affronts, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with me. My wife had to go to Detroit yesterday and got back this evening.. been kinda thinking maybe we're co-dependent, no idea, but put up the idea and the fact we should probably get counseling, not just me, but both of us independently, and... she wasn't averse to it really, just.. I mean, we'd agreed before we should get counseling, not for our relationship, but for us independently, because we are both about two fries short of a happy meal.. and then the co-dependent thing came up and we both felt like shit and it was horrible all around because who likes facing their problems? Even when the toy is MLP shit and you've been wanting a new Fluttershy for months. ...fuck.
Then there's the fact my step-grandma is dying. She's got terminal cancer, has 2-6 months to live, and I haven't talked to her for about 3 years, because her dickhole of a son is one of the reasons I'm so fucked (physical and mental abuse), and while she's not DIRECTLY responsible, she was kind of a dickhole herself to my mom, who I'm terribly defensive of because when you grow up living with a shitload of abuse, you sometimes tend to get that way. So.. anyway, my sister, that's her actual grandma, because she's my half-sister, and if you understand first grade math, you get what that means. Well, she, my sister, called me a few days ago and told me about this and my first thought is NOOOOOOO because my sister's gonna be a wreck. Again.
That's mostly because I'm an asshole, but also partially due to the fact her uncle on that side died of cancer about a year ago, and her grandpa on that side died while she was still in high school, and she idolizes the fuck out of both of them for reasons that sometime escape me - it's mostly because she's the only grandchild that side and they treated her like a pretty pretty princess, but also because before she came along they were kinda dicks and got more sentimental and less dickish. So there's that I guess.
Anyway, while the wife was in Detroit last night, I ended up calling "Granny," and talking to her for a bit.. and promised if we were up thanksgiving time we'd visit. She still hasn't met my wife yet, and uh, well the whole her-going-to-die thing is kinda incentive to not be a cocksmash to her. She did apologize to both me and my brother at one point (not on this phone call) that she was sorry for the way he treated "us boys," as she often referred to us. So.. I get she's apologetic, but an apology does not appease over a decade of abuse, even if it wasn't from her. When we actually got the apology, which I believe was about.. 10 years ago?.. I pretty much dismissed it, because even back then, surprise of surprises, I was still an asshole. I basically felt like.. "Well, it's all right you can admit you were a bad mom to raise such a cockmangling fucktard."
When I first heard about it - I told my grandma and my mom both that not one single fuck was given. I don't care if she dies. Whatever, another chapter in my life closed. And then good ol' Catholic guilt descended upon me like a thunderous hailstorm. I'm not saying that guilt is the only reason I feel anything.. I think I honestly started to feel sad we don't talk, and angry at myself for being such a fucking bitch.
Then... to add to my anger.. my sister tells me she's going to try having a kid with this guy she's been with less than a year. Now.. I'm 12 years older than my sister, and I'm super-protective, but not to the point I interfere with her daily life. We talk maybe once a week or so, she tells me about problems at work, yadda-yadda. But when she told me that... followed by the fact my wife and I have been trying to have kids for a year now.. I had to repress REALLY HARD not to flip my shit. The thing is, my sister, and the current guy she is with, are both easily classified as rednecks. She doesn't even take it as an insult to say as much to her. Neither does her boyfriend. So, after she told me this, I wanted to talk to the boyfriend. I think that's pretty reasonable - and I basically laid everything out on the table. Hey, if you're gonna be doing this shit, you better be talking marriage - (not because I believe in that garbage that you gotta be married to have kids, I'm just hoping he's gonna be there and everything for the kids, and my sister too.).
He actually surprised me a bit. He's.. pretty old-fashioned for a lot of stuff, and that happens to be one of the things. He said that since they were talking about kids and such, he was wanting to talk to me to make sure I had approval for my sister's hand in marriage. He also said he was going to ask my stepdouche and my brother for the same thing. I was honestly floored. I still think it's completely ridiculously dumb to try starting a family now, for my sister (she's 21), but I'm not her, and.. well, if that support keeps up.. better for that I suppose. I basically told him if he's serious and I can tell he's taking good care of her, yeah, marry the shit out of her. But yet I still keep having that conniving feeling in the back of my head she's going to fall prey to yet another abusive cockwagon. Moving on..
I have an alcohol problem, which I've also talked about before, but.. I was off it for 2.5 weeks and.. then I got hit with the fact that the aforementioned problem with me and my wife not being able to have kids.. is my fault. I pretty much shoot blanks. Sorry for the mental image, it's not actual blanks and... maybe I should shut up about that. Point is - the reason we can't have kids is my fault. She previously thought she had some thyroid condition a few of her aunts have and some of her female cousins too, that makes conception extremely well.. hard. The good part of that is that there are medical remedies to that problem. ...not so much to mine. At least, well, I don't know until we get it checked out.. and I haven't been sober long enough really to actually confront her too much on the issue. I mean, she knows it... we just have to schedule an appointment and find out if I have.. I dunno, my brain goes crazy over this shit, chimerism? Where it's like I absorbed my twin and shit.. I dunno.
Just.. my mind is all over the place and while I can't really place why I'm feeling rage over this instead of the usual calm I have about things.. from a logical standpoint, me being fucking pissed makes total sense. I know I'm not going to flip out and toss my chair out the window or anything crazy, I just know what I'm feeling and.. I need some release. Before you go into masturbation jokes - my wife was gone for a day, what do you think I was doing? ...okay actually it was mostly looking at shit on the internet, petting kitty when she wandered by, and playing way too much pokemon.
Uh, I mean.. feeling guilty if I were beating my wife and cat, not.. the other way around.. damned English..
I'll admit that I've been in fights before, but it's never been one I've initiated because for all intents and purposes of this shit I'm writing, I'm a fucking pussy. Okay, I lied, I decked a guy in sixth grade, but that doesn't count. Besides, he followed me after school for a few days and, because I'm faster, I ended up at my grandma's house faster than he could get to me, most of the time, which means soon as he caught me, he decked me back.
I was going somewhere with this.. RIGHT! Rage! It's not a feeling I normally get, because I normally don't feel pretty much anything. Believe I've mentioned my dysthymia before.. anyway, the reason this feeling is weird is because I have these weird spurts where one day everything snaps, and I feel some emotion so god-damned strongly, it takes everything I have to not give in to it. Today would be one of those days. I've gone through about seven keyboards now.
Okay, well, I was joking, sorry.. well, at least about the keyboards. The rage is definitely a thing though. And if, before I get to my points, you stop and wonder, "How is he so full of rage if he's typing?" HAVE YOU NO CONCEPT OF THE INTERNET, YOU PROLE?! That's where you vent, maybe are racist, and look up horrible videos that your family would no doubt chastise you about, if they knew you looked at them. I've been thinking about introducing my grandmother to the internet, because she still thinks Jesus was an actual thing and also that cell phones are horribly complicated, just so I can fuck her mind up, but, then again, I'm a terrible person, so.. I digress.
Anyway.. this rage thing.. I'm usually pretty good at the introspection thing, and especially the self-introspection variety, because it keeps my crazy from leaking out into the real world on days like today, where it's like I actually had a bacon sandwich I didn't like, and decided to murder the internet for lying to me - except there was no bacon sandwich, and no one lying to me, and obviously no murder because, hey, you can't blame fictional sandwiches for your problems.
I guess I can.. somewhat surmise what this might stem from, and it's just a metric fuckton of affronts, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with me. My wife had to go to Detroit yesterday and got back this evening.. been kinda thinking maybe we're co-dependent, no idea, but put up the idea and the fact we should probably get counseling, not just me, but both of us independently, and... she wasn't averse to it really, just.. I mean, we'd agreed before we should get counseling, not for our relationship, but for us independently, because we are both about two fries short of a happy meal.. and then the co-dependent thing came up and we both felt like shit and it was horrible all around because who likes facing their problems? Even when the toy is MLP shit and you've been wanting a new Fluttershy for months. ...fuck.
Then there's the fact my step-grandma is dying. She's got terminal cancer, has 2-6 months to live, and I haven't talked to her for about 3 years, because her dickhole of a son is one of the reasons I'm so fucked (physical and mental abuse), and while she's not DIRECTLY responsible, she was kind of a dickhole herself to my mom, who I'm terribly defensive of because when you grow up living with a shitload of abuse, you sometimes tend to get that way. So.. anyway, my sister, that's her actual grandma, because she's my half-sister, and if you understand first grade math, you get what that means. Well, she, my sister, called me a few days ago and told me about this and my first thought is NOOOOOOO because my sister's gonna be a wreck. Again.
That's mostly because I'm an asshole, but also partially due to the fact her uncle on that side died of cancer about a year ago, and her grandpa on that side died while she was still in high school, and she idolizes the fuck out of both of them for reasons that sometime escape me - it's mostly because she's the only grandchild that side and they treated her like a pretty pretty princess, but also because before she came along they were kinda dicks and got more sentimental and less dickish. So there's that I guess.
Anyway, while the wife was in Detroit last night, I ended up calling "Granny," and talking to her for a bit.. and promised if we were up thanksgiving time we'd visit. She still hasn't met my wife yet, and uh, well the whole her-going-to-die thing is kinda incentive to not be a cocksmash to her. She did apologize to both me and my brother at one point (not on this phone call) that she was sorry for the way he treated "us boys," as she often referred to us. So.. I get she's apologetic, but an apology does not appease over a decade of abuse, even if it wasn't from her. When we actually got the apology, which I believe was about.. 10 years ago?.. I pretty much dismissed it, because even back then, surprise of surprises, I was still an asshole. I basically felt like.. "Well, it's all right you can admit you were a bad mom to raise such a cockmangling fucktard."
When I first heard about it - I told my grandma and my mom both that not one single fuck was given. I don't care if she dies. Whatever, another chapter in my life closed. And then good ol' Catholic guilt descended upon me like a thunderous hailstorm. I'm not saying that guilt is the only reason I feel anything.. I think I honestly started to feel sad we don't talk, and angry at myself for being such a fucking bitch.
Then... to add to my anger.. my sister tells me she's going to try having a kid with this guy she's been with less than a year. Now.. I'm 12 years older than my sister, and I'm super-protective, but not to the point I interfere with her daily life. We talk maybe once a week or so, she tells me about problems at work, yadda-yadda. But when she told me that... followed by the fact my wife and I have been trying to have kids for a year now.. I had to repress REALLY HARD not to flip my shit. The thing is, my sister, and the current guy she is with, are both easily classified as rednecks. She doesn't even take it as an insult to say as much to her. Neither does her boyfriend. So, after she told me this, I wanted to talk to the boyfriend. I think that's pretty reasonable - and I basically laid everything out on the table. Hey, if you're gonna be doing this shit, you better be talking marriage - (not because I believe in that garbage that you gotta be married to have kids, I'm just hoping he's gonna be there and everything for the kids, and my sister too.).
He actually surprised me a bit. He's.. pretty old-fashioned for a lot of stuff, and that happens to be one of the things. He said that since they were talking about kids and such, he was wanting to talk to me to make sure I had approval for my sister's hand in marriage. He also said he was going to ask my stepdouche and my brother for the same thing. I was honestly floored. I still think it's completely ridiculously dumb to try starting a family now, for my sister (she's 21), but I'm not her, and.. well, if that support keeps up.. better for that I suppose. I basically told him if he's serious and I can tell he's taking good care of her, yeah, marry the shit out of her. But yet I still keep having that conniving feeling in the back of my head she's going to fall prey to yet another abusive cockwagon. Moving on..
I have an alcohol problem, which I've also talked about before, but.. I was off it for 2.5 weeks and.. then I got hit with the fact that the aforementioned problem with me and my wife not being able to have kids.. is my fault. I pretty much shoot blanks. Sorry for the mental image, it's not actual blanks and... maybe I should shut up about that. Point is - the reason we can't have kids is my fault. She previously thought she had some thyroid condition a few of her aunts have and some of her female cousins too, that makes conception extremely well.. hard. The good part of that is that there are medical remedies to that problem. ...not so much to mine. At least, well, I don't know until we get it checked out.. and I haven't been sober long enough really to actually confront her too much on the issue. I mean, she knows it... we just have to schedule an appointment and find out if I have.. I dunno, my brain goes crazy over this shit, chimerism? Where it's like I absorbed my twin and shit.. I dunno.
Just.. my mind is all over the place and while I can't really place why I'm feeling rage over this instead of the usual calm I have about things.. from a logical standpoint, me being fucking pissed makes total sense. I know I'm not going to flip out and toss my chair out the window or anything crazy, I just know what I'm feeling and.. I need some release. Before you go into masturbation jokes - my wife was gone for a day, what do you think I was doing? ...okay actually it was mostly looking at shit on the internet, petting kitty when she wandered by, and playing way too much pokemon.