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Lord Smeargle's Vault - The VHS Surprises, Episode 8: Never Buy Ever Again

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Don’t worry, people. The title has nothing to do with Sean Connery’s unofficial bond movie; it more or less has to do with a movie that I’ve technically bought… twice. However, unlike Spinal Tap, both copies are real. And this time, it is an Australian movie in We of the Never Never (1982 film), a film that took place near the beginning of the 20th century, which does play loyal to the novel. However, according to the lead actress in Angela Punch McGregor, ‘Australia has yet to learn how to make a movie’, given that (according to Wikipedia) only half of the movie was filmed from the novel. This really doesn’t help the movie’s situation, does it?

…The VHS Surprises…

Credit goes to FLEMISHDOG for the rather rare logo. The logos shown in question during the mega-corporative logo are in the spoiler below:
Spoiler

Seeing that I’ve mentioned PBV earlier, I’ve decided to talk about one of its sub-divisions: Australian Video. The said company debuted the same year PBV came out in 1983, and it focused on distributing films from the South Australian Film Corporation, hence the small text on the medallion. Amongst We of the Never Never, the company had focused on Australian movies such as The Man From Snowy River, Storm Boy, My Brilliant Career and Breaker Morant (which all coincidentally appear, not only on the previews on the VHS of the movie today, but also amongst my expanding library). The company’s last year remains a mystery; iMDB states that the company ended in 1988, whilst Closing Logo Group claims that the logo ceased in 1985, despite the fact CEL would use the mentioned logo for one or two years. A thing that is certain is that CEL picked the division up for a few years before it ended altogether, so it did end in the 80’s.

Despite being the same movie, unlike the two rental movies in the previous episode, almost everything seems to be different. The first (which I’ve found at The Opportunity Shop as early as 2014), was packaged in a clamshell, which is evidently broken and the slick, faded. The clamshell came with a ‘VHS High Quality’ seal (which was poorly removed), amongst other stickers, such as one from ‘Rabbit Video’, and one that says ‘$1 Weekly’. The second (bought at St. Vincent’s Shop in Brookvale), is packaged in a black big box VHS cover, with the slick in surprisingly mint condition.

The videotapes also carry the same story; both black and carrying a tape brown spine, the top and front stickers intact (albeit the Op-Shop one’s top sticker popped off sometime after a few watches), the (rather ironic) ‘Made in Japan’ engraving, and even the side sticker. Even so, the first one carries two extra stickers; the first with red text being “Please Rewind Tape”, which is somewhat useful since at the time, there was rarely or even no indication to do so when it cut to black, and the second predicting the date of my birth: The 23rd of August… 1984. Okay, so while it is off by exactly 10 years, it is right the day and month, so two out of three ain’t bad. The date of the VHS being released is also notable for being two weeks and a day off when my parents had first met.


Credit goes to Night of the Trailers. It seems to be very boastful, despite the fact the movie has been nominated for a handful of awards.

Nonetheless, I might as well compare the two on the TV screen. Both of them have something in common; despite being under the ‘PBV’ monarch, it does not feature the PBV warning (despite the fact that this company was carrying it); instead, it opts with the ‘South Australian Film Corporation’ Warning, which is white text on a black background, with no music. Disappointing, I know…

And then the logo appears; formed by six stars (channelling Orion Pictures, perhaps?), and a pewter medallion with the titular text, the Australian flag is crudely drawn with a red outline including the logo, accompanied by a synth theme including a rendition of the last lines of ‘Waltzing Matilda’. I have to admit, the visual looks subpar and cheesy even by its standards, though it is saved by the unusual theme, which sounds great on both Videocassettes!

And the differences proceed to continue from here on in, the first VHS begins with a series of movie previews, with ‘COMING SOON!’ appearing via transition during the first. The first preview is Kitty and the Bagman, a movie centreing on gangsters from the 1920s, before or during the great depression. The second is The Fire in the Stone; a movie that definitely looks like it takes place in South Australia, which has something to do with mining, I guess. The trailer also ends unusually, with an announcer making an appearance at the very end, as the movie poster (I think) appears, which is arguably bizarre to say the least.


Credit goes to plainsvideo for the trailer. I'm not joking; the announcer's voice only appears at the tail end of the trailer.

Things get strange with the third trailer (based on a David Williamson play in Don’s Party) containing coarse language and adult situations. At this point, I found it especially baffling when this movie which was rated G was showing that R-rated trailer. This sort of practice wouldn’t have been allowed in the 2000s, even if the film didn’t deserve to be rated G. After a reminder for more previews to come on a rather unique background with Ken Sparkes as the announcer, this is where the movie begins.

The second VHS begins with the same warning (15 seconds later than its counterpart), has the same opening logo, and it brings us straight into the movie. Well, you gotta give credit where it’s due. Also, the second actually gives the movie some free space; unlike the first (which appears to be the ‘pan-and-scan’ format, the movie is presented in its original condition for the most part, with the exception being in the opening and ending credits, where they are stretched out as if they were back in the cinema.

And then comes the talking point of the movie… the quality. The first VHS (and by now, it’s becoming confusing to both you and me) managed to have fluctuating tracking control; the first is where it lasted virtually throughout the movie, with a slight flicker during the end credits, and then it would get worse from there, as it would gradually weaken watch after watch (which would explain how the top stickers popped off). The second VHS doesn’t even try; it lasts 30-odd minutes before it gives up and constantly flickers, as the audio gradually got worse and worse.

The movie, meanwhile, is disappointing. While I haven’t read the novel, I can say that it is unusually slow-paced for a film that was amongst others, selected for preservation as part of the National Film and Sound Archive of Australia's Kodak / Atlab Cinema Collection Restoration Project. And given that the movie contains two scenes of animal torture that PETA would find offensive would make the given ‘G’ rating arguably unjust at best. It also contains minor subtitles when the Aborigines and even Jennie Gunn say the native language, though they only appear during the second half of the film.


Credit (again) goes to plainsvideo for the trailer. Maybe he might've picked up the same copy I've first picked up...

Finally, then comes the end previews. Whilst the second VHS has none, the Op-Shop VHS has four; The Man from Snowy River (which unusually explains with yellow Star-Wars-esque text instead of an announcer), Storm Boy (with the preview lasting less than 30 seconds), My Brilliant Career (a rather lengthy preview, featuring a then-unknown Sam Neill), and Breaker Morant (a film based on true events surrounding the man of the hour Harry ‘Breaker’ Morant). When the fourth preview finishes, the screen turns to black, but cuts to it rather than finishing the transition. Good thing the first one had the ‘Please Rewind Tape’ Warning sticker on there.

In conclusion… the sole reason I picked up the first VHS was that I wanted to collect a PBV tape long ago, since they are painstakingly rare to find nowadays. The second VHS, on the other hand, well, I thought it would be a back-up in case the first would fail. However, given that it has no previews and is inferior compared to the clamshell counterpart (although it does carry a unharmed slick and a movie with the correct aspect ratio) means that it won’t last very long in my house. This also means that the choice between the two is obvious.

Final Score
VHS Cover: 6/10 (Op-Shop), 8.5/10 (Vinnie’s) – Vinnie’s win this one convincingly, though the first slick definitely has a bigger story to tell.
Videocassette: 9/10 (Op-Shop), 7.5/10 (Vinnie’s) – The Op-Shop version carries an interesting birth prediction, and the ‘Please Rewind Tape’ sticker, unlike the Vinnie’s version
Quality: 7.5/10 (Op-Shop), 3/10 (Vinnie’s) – Even though the Op-Shop version lost a few marks due to its degrading quality, the Vinnie’s version is still the worst of two evils.
Warning: 4/10 (Both) – Unoriginal, uninteresting, and no music to keep you entertained.
Logo: 6.5/10 (Both) – Definitely cheesy even for its time, but carries a nostalgic charm and a good synth tune.
Previews/Other Features: 10/10 (Op-Shop), 0/10 (Vinnie’s) – The Op-Shop VHS carries seven previews. ‘Nuff said.
Final Score: 43/60 (Op-Shop), 29.5/60 (Vinnie’s) – The Vinnie’s VHS is a disappointment, whilst the Op-Shop is a surprise package and an on-par fortune-teller.

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