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Lord Smeargle's Vault - The VHS Surprises: Episode 3 - A Load of Bullamakanka

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With Australia Day coming and going, unfortunately when YouChew broke down, normally it would’ve ended all hopes of this series continuing. However, my optimism to continue this series for the better has made me thrive for the hopeful success, given that so far I have over 150 views and a featured blog article betwixt the two episodes. And now, here comes episode three, and this time, we have possibly one of the worst movies that I’ve ever seen on home video. But is it the worst movie ever made? Well, cue the Asia song, because “Only Time Will Tell”!

…The VHS Surprises…

And to start off the boastful saying, I have a movie that absolutely almost no one has ever heard of, outside of Australia, called “Bullamakanka: The Motion Picture”, with ‘At Last’ tacked on the top of it. But before I delve further into the history of this, the VHS came from Thorn EMI Video, a company that had moderate success in Australia during the early 80’s. However, they didn’t have the best previews for movies, nor did they have the best movies on offer at the time. Even the two logos that precede the ‘filmstrip logo in space’ were tacky, boring, and choppy (the second one, at least).


Credit goes to AussieRoadshow for the Thorn EMI logos. With both the opening warning and the closing post box number details, the second one is played first, as the first follows, with the filmstrip logo (featured on this VHS) playing soon after. It also features the international logo, and the 'cinehollywood' division logo.

The black clamshell is, without a doubt, one of the best things about this excuse of a film. It’s colourful, features pictures of the stars that were crazy enough to be in this said excuse, has quotes on the front and back, features a blue ‘VHS High Quality’ seal (remnants of another at the opening of the clamshell), with also a rather old ‘VHS’ sticker on the same spine, remnants of a pink sticker, and it even features a polaroid seal, boasting that it is giving you the ‘genuine Thorn EMI Video’. Given the horror that I witnessed was Bullamakanka (which is one of the strangest titles I’ve ever seen, heard or even saying out loud so far), I swear I’m going to be disappointed, because it claims that it is “Australia’s answer to Animal House and The Blues Brothers”, which, unless it features an abundance of car crashes and well-written humour, I just find insulting to boast.

The videocassette then actually eclipses the cover, by being the black videocassette, with a tape brown spine, which was relatively common in Australia during the 80s, whilst somewhat rare in the 90s. However, it also indicated that it was made in Japan, which somewhat does explain where they get the videocassettes (in part). The top and front stickers remain intact, but are in black, a rarity at the time! It also carries, amongst other things:
  • A square sticker at the front side that has ‘583’ written on it in pen
  • A ‘Genuine Thorn EMI Video’ polaroid seal (again)
  • Two square stickers on the left side of the VHS’s view, with the second sticker obstructing the first.
  • The second sticker has ‘1 1245’ on the top, and ’30 0795’ on the bottom of said sticker.
And when I put the video in, the quality was surprisingly stunning at first. There was a minor problem at the warning (which is black and bland, I might add) where it flickered once, and then showcased no problems with the opening logo at all. Speaking of the logo, the filmstrip logo features almost a dozen of movies, shows, etc, including Can’t Stop the Music (which was strangely popular in the land down under), a scene presumably involving Charles Bronson, and a scene involving Benny Hill sipping a pint, amongst other things. The announcer is even kind to tell us to ‘sit back, relax and enjoy' the film for us, which is a nice gesture.

But when a minute rolled in (the first time I put the Videocassette in at least; after using my mother's method of fast-forwarding and rewinding the tape, the second time it managed to last 16 minutes), a series of things would break loose, as it flickered just a minute in, which was coincidentally when Angry Anderson (that’s his name, not his character) applies shaving cream on his already hairless head, and shaves while talking on the phone. Speaking of the movie’s stars the movie actually does feature Countdown host Molly Meldrum, singer John Farnham, Angry Anderson and Frank Thring (both appear in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome), and a person who apparently goes by the name of ‘Woodrow’. Sadly, it’s not the man who looks a lot like Gordie Howe.

Also, the strangest thing about this VHS, is that the cover wanted me ‘not to laugh’ at this film. To be perfectly honest, I did not laugh at this movie for a single second, and it felt like I’ve been cheated of my 20 cents (I know it’s not much, but I already feel like I’ve blown $8.00 worth of videocassettes). And just to give everyone a minor lesson, this movie was ironically made on a slim budget to the point that it took a couple of years for the film to be made (hence the ‘At Last’ tacked on), and there were rumours that everyone involved in the film bar the director/writer Simon Heath had to make their own sandwiches, which is saddening to read about.

I also had a hard time trying to understand the plot, but it says that the main plot involves a small town mayor rigging an election with ‘hilarious and unpredictable results’. It also involves horse racing, a beauty contest, Rhino Jackson trying to get the member of the senate on his side, and a clockwork horse that is eventually exposed, just in case you needed to know. However, I am relieved that it is a short movie, clocking in at 89 minutes, with a so-called bonus feature at the very end of the credits, involving Rhino Jackson in jail, intending to ‘write his side of the story’ when he serves his time. And then when the movie cuts to black, we get to see the ‘filmstrip logo’ in space for one last time, with the announcer making a reminder about the Thorn EMI catalogue, which they give us after it cuts to said P.O. location. I doubt that they are still making VHS’s to this day, let alone 25 to 30 years ago, but their post office is Thorn EMI Video Australia – P.O. Box 402, Haymarket, New South Wales, 2001 if you’re really desperate.

In conclusion, while I am glad that I was able to encounter another rare Australian-based Home Video company, it had to be one of the worst movies that I’ve ever seen so far in my lifetime. The plot is incoherent, the acting feels artificial, and not a single laugh was given to this movie that night before Australia day (when I watched this film). I will say that the soundtrack is decent, even by today’s standards, but that’s really only one of the few praises that I can give to this Videocassette. Now listen to a song from the movie that was known as At Last… Bullamakanka: The Motion Picture!


Credit goes to humanjukebox1958 for the song. Yes, it is one of the best songs in that film.

Final Score
VHS Cover: 7.5/10. Colourful, interesting and boastful, the box is literally more interesting than the toy in this case.
Videocassette: 8.5/10. Virtually remaining the same over time, it is the cleanest videocassette that I’ve seen on the outside.
Quality: 1/10. I’ll give it one because the visual lasts for at least a minute, while the audio doesn’t give up until 10 minutes before the movie ends.
Warning: 1/10. Not very interesting at all, given that it’s on a black background…
Logo: 7/10. Featuring the music from Press Your Luck, and featuring a variety of movie clips, as well as a unique logo, it is one of the saviours of this film
Previews/Other Features: 1.5/10. With the catalogue the only thing feature-worthy about the VHS, I’m guessing that they only wanted 90 minutes for this.
Final Score: 26.5/60. Below average, though it felt burdened more by the movie itself and lacking any previews.

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